Other People Can Screw Up Your Sex Life

By Damon Brown

Our Samantha Scholfield did a great post on Facebook Flirting 101

facebook-flirting-101 and it made me think of the reasons why we do some things publicly and other things privately. Why post on someone’s wall or respond to his or her Twitter versus sending them a private email or text? It depends on what we want from the person – and what we want from other people, too. Not being real about this can screw up your sex life, or lack there of.

Think about the many reasons why we would have sex with someone: 

*You are attracted to them

*They are nice to you

*You don’t want the night to end

It’s cool because it actually has to do with your potential partner. Now think about the many reasons why we would have sex that has nothing to do with our lover: 

*You want to get over an ex

*You want someone else to get jealous

*You want bragging rights tomorrow, so you have to seal the deal

Most of us have a story about angry sex or awkward sex or whatever, but even in those situations sex is best when all people involved are honest about why they are doing it. The problems happen when it eventually comes out why you were doing it in the first place – and the person getting hurt the most could be you.

(Credits: Image by: Ted Percival)

Shyness Is Sexy

By Damon Brown

When someone hears I write about sex, the first response often begins like “I once knew a guy who had a foursome…” or “I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom…” or whatever. It may be based on the assumption that I’ve seen everything under the sun - which I definitely haven’t, but my friends certainly have! - and this need to impress, shock or horrify a sex writer. I’m also told I have one of those “tell all” faces.

I’ve heard a lot, though, but every once in a while someone will tell me some truly crazy shit. And guess what happens? I blush. People can seem straight flabbergasted when I’m actually embarrassed. Surprise! Sex writers are human, too. 

And get this: I’m actually proud of my shyness. Actually, having a little “reserved” streak can be quite fetching. For example, have you ever had sex in a public place? Part of the rush is the fear and embarrassment associated with being caught. You could try to play it off that you’re not even a little apprehensive, but that genuine feeling shared between lovers adds to the excitement, drama and, ideally, pleasure you experience. It is honest, true and real.

It is also sexy for you to push the envelope *despite* your shyness. It is one thing to do a new sex position when you are already comfortable with all the variants. It is entirely another to let your partner or partners know your shyness about the new moves and still be interested in pushing towards another level of ecstasy. 

I’m not advocating risky behavior, but I am advocating being yourself in the bedroom. And a little real shyness can be much more sexy than a know-it-all facade.

Credits: Image by andriux-uk

Want More Sex? Don’t Sleep With Every Body

By Damon Brown

Single people, we have a problem. The assumption is that every nice, attractive person we meet must, eventually, come to our bed, or any built relationship becomes an empty fallacy, a farce, based on the ecstasy that might have been.

Let me put aside the journalism degrees for a second. Real talk: You shouldn’t fuck every attractive person you feel a connection with. 

Why? It’s not for chivalry, as you can be a chivalrous Lothario or Lolita, nor for physical protection, as two (or more) smart adults can have an open relationship and practice safer sex. No, it’s more selfish than that. 

Simply put, you need quality coconspirators in creating a great single life. Create a great single life and your sex quotient will go up dramatically. 

True story: Most of my friends are women. Some I went out with at one time, more I met through my travels and many are interested in the same nerdy, pop cultural goodness that rules my world. As Samantha pointed out earlier this week, “the friend zone” can be a gift and a curse (See: Escaping the “friend” zone). For me, it’s usually been a gift when I consciously created different types of relationships in my life.  

There are three big benefits to having beautiful, platonic relationships with beautiful people. We can call them the 3 Ps: 

• perspective
•  patience
•  persistence

First, perspective. Here’s where the gay, lesbian, bisexual and trysexual among us have the advantage, as you personally know the equipment! For every one else, I’ve heard countless brothers say that the coochie has magical properties, just as women have confided to me that they can’t think rationally post-dick. Hang out will cool, attractive friends - that you AREN’T trying to bed - and you realize that even [insert fantasy sex slave here] is human, flawed and interesting. You’ll be less intimidated the next time you meet someone you really want to sleep with - increasing your chance of actually getting some.

Second, patience. A friend of mine once told me that she would be slower to jump in the sack if she had some way of getting regular human contact, like a hug, a platonic kiss or a hand to hold. Friends can provide you with human touch. It will help you not push too hard on a first date, set appropriate boundaries for lovers and be less desperate to get naked.

Finally, persistence. If you’re like most of us, meet someone new and attractive and your first instinct is to figure out their stats: What’s their orientation, are they available and are you their type. Next time you read from this script, just stop for a moment (go to the bathroom if you have to!) and think about what function this person could have in your life aside from being your love toy. You may suddenly see all these dimensions to this person that go beyond sex. However, chances are high that THEY are checking YOU out, too, which is why it requires discipline and patience to steer the relationship how you like. You may both be surprised where your relationship ends up.

The misconception is that thoughtful romance takes the fun out of hooking up. It is actually the opposite, as you know that you’re not hooking up with someone just because they own a warm body. And when you find someone you REALLY want, the message will be loud and clear.

(Credits: Image by egor.gribanov)

Jean-e-ology

By Scherry Momin

“Honey, do these jeans make me look fat?”  Ok seriously, if you have to ask then they probably do.

Jeans are a cultural revolution and pretty important in dating.  Seriously guys, who doesn’t wear jeans? From hipsters to socialites, everyone partakes in the denim revolution to some extent. Unfortunately, bad jean choices can make you look outdated and dare I say…fat (gasp).   The good news is, they can also help you look modern and compliment your body type.  Luckily, you don’t have to rely on your parents for good jeans.  You have the power to make good denim decisions! 

During the last five years, jeans went through a very rapid evolution through the fashion portal.  This means many of you probably have many outdated and unflattering pairs.  But wait! Some of the most influential people in fashion including Sally Singer, Anna Wintour, and Julie Gilhart have recently said that the future of fashion is slow.  Meaning that styles will evolve at a much slower rate so you won’t look like a blast from the past if you’re wearing last season’s jeans.  Muffin tops and ass cracks are NOT in you guys!  I don’t care what Lil Wayne says! 

Investing in a great fitting pair of denim can help you in many ways.  It’s better to buy one good pair that fits (even if they are a tad more pricey) instead of five pairs that don’t fit but were on sale.   Also, jeans can become a part of you.  The more you wear a great pair of jeans, the more unique they become.   

One of the most flattering denim styles for women is the skinny jean.  They come in several variations.  Warning: choosing the wrong type of skinny leg cut can make you look like you have chicken legs.  If you have larger thighs, choose a skinny cut that isn’t “super skinny” and more relaxed.  This way, you’ll still get the modern skinny jean look without it being unflattering.  If you have slim legs, you can pretty much wear any cut, as long as it doesn’t fit too snug on the waist.  This will “cinch” you and give you the muffin top look.  Totally not sexy.

Speaking of fit - absolutely do NOT buy jeans that are too tight on the waist.  They will make you look fat, even if you’re not.  If you’re a size 27, don’t try to boost your ego by buying a size 26.  It will backfire. 

Guys, fit is important for you too.  Too large just screams old school Puff Daddy and too small may reveal too much of your “mini me”.  Straight-leg relaxed denim is your best bet. 

Here’s an example of how bad jean choices can affect a date.  So you guys are out dancing and things get a little touchy feely.  Ladies, if you’re jeans are too tight on the waist, your entire midsection will feel like a glob of fat.  Total turn off.  And guys, unless you want the girl to find out too much about you, do not wear tight jeans to go dancing in.  It’s very possible that your little one will have no room to grow and poke out very obviously.  We don’t usually like that.  I said USUALLY. :)

So now it’s time to stiff through the old denim pile in your closet and figure out which ones you would actually wear on a date.  Remember, date worthy denim is the best denim! 

(Credits: Image by Rob Beyer)

Sole Searching: How to use shoes to attract the opposite sex

By Scherry Momin

Never underestimate the power of shoes.  Shoes will definitely make or break an outfit, but even more importantly, shoes can either attract or repulse the opposite sex.  No seriously.  I look at someone’s shoes and use it to determine whether or not I want to talk to them.   Bad shoes are almost as unsexy as pulling out a Motorola Razor at the bar hoping to get someone’s number.  How uncivilized.  

Here is some insight on how to use shoes to mesmerize the opposite sex.  

Women:

First of all, the notion that flat shoes are more comfortable than heels is a bunch of hodgepodge.  Flat shoes don’t equate to comfort.  I can’t count the number of times that flat shoes have given me some super annoying blisters.   I do like flat shoes.  I really do.  But let’s face it.  They are just not as sexy as heels.  Take this example.  I was recently at a video game launch party where I observed this very attractive girl wearing what seemed to be a very bad version of some kind of vintage prom dress.  Usually, a straight guy wouldn’t notice the pure fashion fail.  But what he would notice is that she was wearing it with tennis shoes.  It hurt my eyes just to look at.  Moreover, it was extremely difficult for me to resist the urge to slap her.  I tried to look at the horror again after paying several visits to the open bar.  My conclusion: even beer goggles aren’t able to cover up the pure unsexiness of bad shoes.       

I don’t understand what’s up with all of the heelophobia.   Walking comfortably in high heels is not some kind of natural talent that only a handful of us were blessed with – it’s a learned skill.  With practice and picking the right type of heels, they can actually be comfortable!  I hope you realize that you’re getting sexier by just reading this.       

Wearing high heels properly can make you stand so that your legs look longer and slimmer and your stomach flatter.  Plus it’ll do wonders for your derriere.   If you’re new to wearing high heels, start small and work your way on up – but know when too high is too high.  If you’ve never worn heels before, do not try to step into five inch stilettos.  You may very well look like you’ve spent a night or two in prison when you try to walk in them.  Instead, start with a low broad heel.  Broad heels are not sexy, so I recommend starting with a low wedge.  You’ll look more modern and less matronly that way.  This will help you train your feet and develop your ankles so that you can withstand higher heels and walk gracefully (and safely) in them.   

Once you think you can start wearing stilettos, you can try this neat trick to see if your feet are ready.  Stand in your heels with your knees straight and raise your toes.  If you can’t raise yourself one inch from the heel of your shoes, then they are much too tall – but don’t worry.  You’ll get there eventually.    Take small steps to start.  It’s just like learning how to walk for the first time.  Putting the weight on balls of your feet will feel more natural and force your weight to shift forward in a natural way.  So put your heels down first.   Also keep your legs closed and your toes pointed forward.  Now just keep practicing.  Wear high heels in your house and learn how to turn and pivot.  You can also buy gel padding to put on the toe part of your shoes from a local drugstore.  They will make your transition into heels much more comfortable.     

Now, just a little warning.  These types of shoes are OUT girls: pointy toed pumps and peep toed slingbacks.   Do not try to bring them back.  Trust me, it’s too early.  Instead, go for a mary-jane pump or gladiator wedge.   

Picking the right type of shoe for your foot is key.  You spend a good amount of your life on your feet, so invest accordingly.  In my personal experience, I’ve found Italian made heels to be consistently the most comfortable and most durable.  The great thing about nice shoes is that you can get them re-soled and re-heeled, so you don’t have to keep replacing your shoes.     

Time to go get heel-ed up.  Pretty soon men (and trannys) will start drooling over you.  If the latter happens, then you know you’ve become a black belt heel wearer!   

Men:

Shoes are important for you too.  Women will look at your shoes.  So let me break it down for you.  Hopefully this will help you bring some sexy back.   

Ah.  The shoe-pant dilemma.  How do you pick shoes that look halfway decent with the bottom of your pants?  Pants that bunch up above the shoe are a total buzz kill.  Do not let this happen.   Half of the battle is not buying pants that are too long.  Just resist the urge.  Plus, baggy pants are not only out, but they’re unflattering.  The thug-grunge thing is 90s/early 2000s.    If you buy designer denim that needs to be hemmed, make sure you take the shoes you plan to wear with them to the tailor.  The pant should fall nicely on shoe.  The other half of the battle is not buying overly wide shoes.  Do not buy shoes that are wider than your physique.  If you’re tall and skinny, wear skinny shoes.  If you’re on the hefty side, get to the gym.  Just kidding, although that may not be too bad of an idea.  If you’re on the hefty side, or have a wider than normal foot, or just want to make your foot look shorter, choose a shoe with an opening closer to the toes.  This will make your feet look much smaller.  If you want to make your foot look longer, do the opposite.  Pick a shoe with an opening closer to the heel.   This will elongate your foot and possibly make it look slimmer.      

Since large, wide leg pants are out, your shoes will be exposed.  The most important thing about men’s shoes – more so than being “fashionable” is that they MUST be clean.  I see guys rolling up with some dirty ass shoes and it makes me wonder about their lifestyle.  Even if you’re a slob at home, you can easily hide it by wearing clean shoes.  See?  It fixes everything.    

If you’re a sneaker junkie, you’re pretty effing sweet.  Sneakers will never go out of style and can be a great window into your personality.  So wear them, but just make sure they’re clean.   Just a helpful cleaning tip for sneakers.  After every wear, wipe them down with some Windex on a paper towel.  This will keep them clean and spankin’ new looking.    

With these simple, and easy to follow tips, you will definitely get one step closer to finding your sole-mate.  Good luck!

(Credits: Image by Nikita Kashner)