God Is Women

By Jackie Summers


‘God gave men two heads, but only enough blood to run one of them at a time.’
~~Robin Williams

The phrase ‘it’s funny because it’s true’ was never more apt than when applied to the words above. More complex than any supercomputer on earth, the number of synaptic connections in the average human brain outnumbers the total number of stars in the universe.  In addition to monitoring all of your autonomic systems, your brain gives the sublime capacity for higher reasoning. ‘What a piece of work is man’ Shakespeare exclaimed under inspiration. ‘How noble in reason, how infinite in faculties, in form and moving, how express and admirable. In action, how like an angel; in apprehension, how like a God!’

Until he gets horny that is. Then all of the blood drains out of his lovely brain and into his lovely cock. It’s a known fact that the hornier men get, the dumber they get, and no man is immune to the sheer stupefying power of sex. A beautiful woman walks by, and the smartest men on earth become imbeciles. Some of the most idiotic things that have ever been said or done in the history of man, are likely the direct or indirect result of a good hard-on.

It’s a complete misnomer, however, to say that  men ‘think with their dicks.’ We may have two heads but only one of them has a brain in it. The rule of thumb is: wherever the flow of blood goes, so goes the decision. In this way, all manner of logic and reason in men are subjugated to the raw power of lust.
But what if it were reversed?

What if men did have brains in their dicks? What if, every time blood went rushing down to a man’s cock, he got smarter, instead of dumber? What would happen if sexual arousal in men actually enhanced the ability to make sound decisions?
It would be the end of life as we know it.

Every man at some point in his life has had an argument between his brain and his dick. In essence, it consists of the following debate:

Brain, arguing for the cons: She’s not over her last boyfriend. She drank enough tequila to embalm a horse. Her apartment smells like raccoon poop. She hasn’t shaved her legs since the paleozoic era. She might be clinically insane. I’ll bet she’s in violation of her parole right now. I liked her friend better anyway. If I sleep with her, there will be no end of recompense.

Dick, arguing for the pros: But she’s HOT.
This is usually where the discussion ends. HOT is the ultimate equalizer.
This is why the blood drains out of a man’s brain when he’s horny; if he can’t drown out all the white noise (common sense) coming from his cerebrum, he’s never going to get laid. It’s the reason why men lose the ability to form rational thoughts or complete sentences in the presence of a woman they are sexually attracted to.

It is also the reason the instant he achieves orgasm and the blood begins to flow back to his brain, his first thought is often ‘oh my god, what the hell was I thinking?’ Now he’s either scrambling to find his shoes as you wonder if you’ll ever hear from him again, or contemplating the end of his bachelorhood, as you snore loudly on his chest. And if he chooses to do the former; if he realizes nanoseconds after climax that it was all a hormone-driven mistake gone horribly wrong, he’s an arrogant, selfish, asshole-douche.
Who could have devised a system so utterly perverse, so diabolical, so… nefarious?
Only a female. Therefore, God must be a woman.

Now I know some people out there are thinking that if God were female, the world would actually be a much better place. However I’m on record as saying ‘bitches is crazy’ (and I don’t mean that in a disrespectful way). If the world is a fucked up place, it’s because we’re made in her image, and clearly she’s off her fucking rocker.

Some (but not all) of the things a cock might say if it could think, are:

God, I love Brazil.

Dude, did you see her incisors?  Are you sure this is a good idea?

Dude, seriously? Condom.

But she poops from there…

This is a whole human being who’s more than the sum of her luscious lady parts, and I need to acknowledge the plethora of emotions that may be a direct result of this encounter, accepting full responsibility for my actions and any ramifications. Otra vez.

All kidding aside, I honestly wish men could think with their dicks. We’d probably make a lot smarter decisions about who we sleep with, and it would cause a lot less heartache in the world.

Learn From Your Teenage Self

By Damon Brown

Remember when you were 15? Sex was this strange, mysterious event that could be considered a right of passage, a way to get your rocks off or just a scary idea in general. Even those of us who were already sexually active were still trying to figure things out. 

There is a certain comfort in knowing what you like. I know what turns me on and, perhaps more importantly, what turns me off! The foreplay, the positions and the conversations that make me the happiest sexually can run through my mind like a flipbook. My desires come across in the language I use, the clothes I wear, the way that I touch and the way that I direct the people I am with. All these messages, whether conscious or unconscious, have been built over my years as a sexually active person.
 

The problem, however, is that we can know ourselves too well and still not well enough! We know our type is the reformed bad boy or the sexy librarian, so we don’t give a potential hottie a second look. We prefer missionary or reverse cowgirl, so the plethora of other positions aren’t even explored. There are hundreds of sexual positions and literally billions of potential partners out there. Why limit yourself?
 

Trust me: I have no desire to relive my teenage years which, probably like yours, were filled with nutty, uncomfortable, and crazy sexual experiences. However, remember that it was also a time of unusual, exciting and amazing discoveries. I remember saying “I didn’t know it worked like that?!” a record number of times. It was a wonderful time of exploration.
 

Now we are wiser about ourselves, our bodies and of others, so there is no better time than now to start exploring again. It will even be more fun the second time around.

(Credits: Image by greyloch)

Reach Out and Touch Someone

By Damon Brown 

I’m spending my last of several days nerding out at the Electronic Entertainment Expo @browndamon, the big, often decadent playground with lots of free booze, semi-sexy presenter attire and, well, video games. The big deal here is the Microsoft Kinect , an XBox 360 add-on that let’s you control the screen with your body. No controllers necessary. You know where I’m going with this. 

It is one thing when a company comes in and tries to make sexy tech, but it is a whole ‘nother thing when a straight-laced company unintentionally makes it easier for us to get our groove on. I think it’s funny when that happens. 

How will this change how we hook up?

*It removes the joystick, making our actions feel more realistic in sexy games and software

*It looks like it will allow us to surf the web, and perhaps use dating sites (ahem) in an intuitive way

*It enables video chat with other XBox 360 owners (all 40 million) as well as users of Windows Live, a popular chat service available on all PCs

*It will allow long-distance relationships to thrive or, when duty calls, for virtual booty calls to happen easier. 

Just last week I argued that Sony should allow porn on its PlayStation 3 and now, with Kinect, I’d love Microsoft to do a cool suite of hook-up software using the new device coming November 4. 

Would you guys use your video game system to hook up?

(Credits: Image by { denise ramone })

Are Women Who F*ck on the First Date Slutty?

By Jackie Summers

Before I respond to the question du jour, let me make this perfectly
clear: I am not pro-feminist. I’m anti-bullshit, which in my mind
means requiring adults of both genders to own responsibility for their
behavior, sexual and otherwise. 

As I’ve already devoted at least a thousand words to the question of
whether women who fuck on the first date are sluts, this time around
I’ve decided to augment my theories with the use of pictures. Using
the most advanced tools available I’ve compiled the following
absolutely scientific data.

Exhibit A: Are Women Who Fuck on the First Date Sluts?

The answer is: sometimes. Let’s do the math: some women have sex on
the first date. Some women are sluts. Technically that means some
women who have sex on the first date are sluts. Choosing to act on
sexual chemistry instead of postponing overpowering desire doesn’t
constitute promiscuity. If you weren’t a slut before you got down and
dirty the first night, you won’t wake up magically transformed into a
woman of ill repute the next morning.

You have to say the things and do the things that really matter to you
today without hesitation, because you don’t know if you’re going to
get another chance. Sometimes, tomorrow never comes. At the same time,
you have to live with the awareness that every stone thrown into a
pond sends ripples across the surface, and every choice you make today
reverberates into your future. If you don’t want to deal with the
repercussions of your actions tomorrow, you should consider the
consequences of your decisions today carefully.

So why does this antiquated notion that women who “put out” are easy, persist?

Exhibit B: Society and The Double Standard

Most men will not pass up the opportunity for sex on the first date. Or the second. Or ever. Some people however, are judgmental assholes. If a man stigmatizes you because you are sexually attracted enough to sleep with him, or is
narcissistic enough to believe a woman doesn’t have the same sexual
needs-slash-desires as he has, this man is a hypocrite.

The invasive nature of the sexual act means that men and women have
different reactions to the aftermath. When to have sex for the first
time is a tricky question. Some (but not all) of the many factors that
go into this equation are: How long have you known this person? Are
you looking for a serious relationship or a fling? Are you both
emotionally mature enough to deal with the consequences of entering a
sexual relationship? Do you feel safe, desired, respected, and will
you continue to, post coitus?

This complex set of variables forms a unique fingerprint for every
couple; hard, fast rules don’t apply. The best sex is based on
connection, and that which is worth having is worth waiting for. If
that determination can be made within hours instead of weeks, both
parties should feel free to indulge, with no guilt or loss of respect.
Know what you’re getting into and who you’re getting into it with,
feel the flow of energy, and go with it.

Exhibit C: Does Having Sex on the First Date Disqualify Me for a
Serious Relationship?

Of the healthy adults who maintain an active sex life, only a fraction
manage to do this inside the boundaries of a happy monogamous
relationship. If you are lucky enough to find yourself in one of these, it probably has very little to do with early intimacy and everything to do with
chemistry, hard work, and commitment.

There’s a growing camp that believes that making a man wait for sex—be
it ninety days or a predetermined number of dates—increases your
chances of landing a mate. I would have done a venn-diagram
representing these people, except it would have been a single circle
with the word ‘delusional’ in the center. Grown ass folks, fuck. If
you’re intent on you enforcing a coochie embargo in the (vain) hopes
you’ll be taken more seriously, you’d best make peace with the reality
that your prospective partner is probably indulging in adult behavior with someone else in the meantime. If you’re not fucking him, somebody else is (see
exhibit A).

Waiting to ensure chemistry and allowing tension to develop naturally
is a wondrous thing. It is also no guarantee the sex will be good. Few
things are more disheartening than spending time and energy in an
individual, only to discover you’re sexually incompatible after you’re
 emotionally invested.

This I know from experience.

Just because we don’t live in an ideal world doesn’t mean we should
abandon our ideals. Sluts, judgmental assholes, hypocrites and
delusional people have existed since the dawn of time, and don’t seem
to be vanishing. Try not to have sex with them, and more importantly,
don’t allow their view of you to color your view of yourself. After
all, what is the real reason women get called sluts in the first place?

Exhibit D:

What’s My Favorite Word?

By Damon Brown

Is there another activity that has more euphemisms than sex? Masturbation alone has more politically correct terms than a presidential campaign. Add in intercourse, oral sex and other activities, and I’m surprised we don’t carry around a dictionary to figure out what our new partners want.  

There are countless folks that argue this is a problem with our society: The more blunt we are about sex, the more open our dialog. Believe it or not, I think this is bullshit. Language is very powerful, but forcing ourselves to use uncomfortable terms can be more damaging than not discussing things at all. 

Here’s an example: Author Joan Price recently told me that she’s had to educate the media in how it talks about her specialty: Sex over the age of 60. Journalists would review her book Better Than I Expected: Straight Talk About Sex After Sixty , usually in a positive way, but the reviewers used language much harsher than the terms in the actual book. The older audiences tend to be more conservative, so you might say “pleasure yourself” instead of “masturbate” or “get off”. Any mature adults reading the reviews, however, may think that it is the language Joan herself uses – and end up missing an opportunity to learn more about their sexuality.  

I used to laugh inside when people would say they spent some “quality time” with their partner or they had to “take care of themselves” because their partners couldn’t quite finish the job. “Why not just say ‘You guys fucked’ or ‘You masturbated’? That’s silly,” I’d think. Now I’ve grown up a little and realized that people’s word choice when describing their sexual activity isn’t about me, but about them. They are expressing themselves as they see fit. 

So the next time you want to take someone in, hide the pickle or churn the butter, be proud that you found a language for sexual expression that works for you. The goal is to communicate clearly to yourself and your partners, and it’s a million times better than not communicating your needs at all. 

On that note, what’s your favorite sexual expression? My favorite – this week – is riding the elevator. You can guess what that means.

(Credits: Images by chadawg24)

Do Men Only Want Sex?

By Jackie Summers

In today’s discourse, we’re going to address an age old question: do men only want sex?

The answer (yes) seems too obvious to warrant an entire essay. So, let’s rephrase: do men only want one thing?

No. Usually we want at least two, maybe three things, depending on how freaky you are. And then, we’d like a sandwich, please.

All kidding aside, all men go through a period when all they want is sex. For some men, this period is called ‘adulthood.’

I refuse to defend this. Who am I to argue with millions of years of behavioral programming?

According to Kinsey, 54% of men think about sex several times a day, and that study was done before the advent of the internet. Personally I find this statement grossly underestimated. In the time it takes for me to formulate this sentence, I myself will have conceived of no less than seven scandalous scenarios, fondly recalling recent raucous romps and fantasizing over future salacious shenanigans; a veritable cavalcade of carnal cravings, a… wait, what was I talking about?

Oh yes: sex. Of course we want it all the time, and (news flash) so do women. The idea that men only want sex and women only want love is an antiquated concept I’d love to see go the way of the dodo. We’d like to think we’ve evolved beyond base desires, but let’s not kid ourselves. We’re not humans trying to embrace our animal nature. We are animals, trying to embrace our humannature. And that, with limited success.

I have a good (female) friend who’s a biologist, who makes a compelling argument for the evolutionary directive behind our seemingly genetic imperative to love, and be loved in return. Human babies take longer to wean and bring to maturity than any other mammal. It takes us longer to learn how to walk, talk, and fend for ourselves than any creature on earth. Love creates a bond between partners that gives them a reason to remain together, post coitus. A parental or family unit has a much greater chance as seeing it’s progeny survive to adulthood.

The problem is, sex is comparatively easy to come by, whereas love, real love, is hard to find, and even harder to sustain. Sex, in it’s many wondrous forms, is singularly the most pleasurable act a man and woman can engage in. Love however, is frequently accompanied by pain. Despite this, most men at some point will realize that, as overpowering as the urge to pass on your genetic material may be, sex, in and of itself, is insufficient.

Because ultimately sex is about more than just biology. An endless stream of new sexual partners will (eventually) get boring, and it won’t make you a better lover. It’s far more challenging, and more satisfying, to attempt to seduce one woman, night after night, than a different woman every night. No matter how strong primal urges issuing forth out of our limbic back-brains are, it is our enlarged frontal lobes that put us on top of the evolutionary food chain. Our capacity for reason reminds us there is more to life than satisfying animal instincts, more than preserving your bloodline by trying to inseminate as many females as possible. Life is growth and growth is change and we’re evolving, albeit at a glacier’s pace. We may struggle with our bestial natures, but we are men.

And we are trying to embrace our human nature.

Unfortunately there is no mystical, sexual bodhi tree you can sit under until you are struck by epiphany; each man has his own unique path to enlightenment. Usually this comes after a man has done ‘enough’ fucking around, and gotten the desire to cross-pollenate like a lawn sprinkler in summertime, out of his system. Just how much fucking this takes varies from man to man, and some men obviously never reach this plateau. For those who have indulged their passions, arrant lust gives way to something that is beyond understanding, beyond reason: the desire to overcome many is replaced, by the desire to be overcome, by one.

We just hope she can make a damn good sandwich.

It’s Not About The Frequency

By Damon Brown

We’re often pressured to fuck. I don’t mean in a violent, forced way, but in a subtle, societal way. There are the racy print ads and porn star TV shows and whatever, whatever, but the real pressure comes from others and, more importantly, from ourselves. 

Like we touched on a few weeks ago with the Vanilla Is Still Sexy post vanilla-is-still-tasty, your sex life should be reflective of you – of your cycles, your ideas and your body. 

Let’s say you haven’t been laid in a minute, perhaps because you’ve been focusing on other things, perhaps because you just haven’t been horny. The common belief is that there is a) something wrong with you, b) you’re doing something wrong or c) you’re in some form of grieving. The problem with this train of thought is that it assumes that your life isn’t good enough. The assumption is that your life needs to be “fixed”. The question really is, if you are happy with the amount of times you have sex, which may be twice a day or once a year, why do things need to change? 

Your very best sex life is the one that makes you and, ideally, your partner or partners happy. Masturbating once a day is a sex life. Making love with the hubby once a week is a sex life. Making out without intercourse can be a sex life, too. Define your own sex life. 

(Credits: Image by eyesogreen)

How to Please Women in Bed

By Magic

  Women love good sex. In fact most women will stay in a bad relationship if the sex is good but will walk away if sexually unsatisfied. Most men  do not understand sexual needs of women. This is exactly the reason why we have studies which show that a small percent of men end up having sex with the majority of women. To be one of the few men you must learn how to please a women in bed.

Most people do not understand the importance of sex. Sex is the number one driving force for all romantic relationships. If it weren’t for sex we would prefer to stay alone and single. The topic of sex and how to please women needs thousands of pages. Here are three things that will surely help you stand out and have her craving for more sex with you.

1. Rough Sex: Most women enjoy rough sex. Love making and being sensual has its moments as well but nothing compared to rough bone crushing sex. On an average you should have 2 love making sessions for every 10 rough encounters. Rough sex makes women feel like you were losing control. Women see rough sex as a sign of passion for them. Most men are uncomfortable with this idea. Master the art of pleasing a women in bed and women will worship you.
2. Add variety: Many men practice wham bam bye bye mam.  They are boring and unoriginal. Most men usually like to please women in the bedroom night after night for sex. This gets boring soon. Get more creative. Next time have sex in the living room or kitchen sink. Sex outside of bedroom seems more spontaneous. Women enjoy that feeling. Add foreplay, mix it with quickies and occasional fetishes. You now have a satisfying sex life that most women enjoy.
3. Multiple Orgasms: Most men don’t care whether  woman have achieved orgasm or not. I confess to being guilty of this myself. Make sure your woman always gets an orgasm. Try giving her more than one orgasm, if not more. There are lots of resources online that can teach you how to make this possible. Multiple orgasms are the key to pleasing women in the bedroom.

Spend some time watching videos on sex education. Read some books on women’s body. Do not hesitate to communicate with your sex partner to have better sex. These few measures will drastically improve your sex life.

(Credits: Image by joanna8555)

A Guys Guide to Surviving Sex and The City 2 

By Blake Townsley

Howdy, friends, and happy Memorial Day Weekend to all of you. I’m hoping everyone’s getting ready for the official start of summer, and planning on getting out there and safely enjoying yourselves. Unfortunately, I think that too many guys out there are unknowingly headed towards a catastrophic disaster of a weekend, and I want to take some time to warn y’all before it’s too late. 

I’m speaking of course about the Sex and the City 2 movie that opens this weekend. I don’t know how much attention the fellas have been paying, but if my Facebook feed is any indication, this is going to be the highest grossing movie of all time in about four days. I’ve been getting notices for four weeks in the vein of, “OMG, just bought my SATC2 tickets for a night out with the girls. Can’t wait!!!” That way lies damnation, gents.  

Like most of you with the Y chromosome, I am utterly baffled by the excitement surrounding this movie. The critical reviews are nearly universal in panning everything about it, and with what seems like good reason. To me it looks like a cross between Ishtar and a drag show produced by the mentally infirm, with a plot written by an English class of gay racist tweens. As near as I can tell, however, Sex and the City has two things going for it as a franchise, shoe porn and female bonding. Those are some powerful forces at work. That means the ladies are going to see it, and you’re probably going to be forced to talk about it, or hear about it in the near future. In order to help you survive this ordeal, I’m going to provide the greatest public service I possibly can, The Guy’s Guide to Surviving SATC2, in easy to read question-and-answer format. As always, all questions and answers are totally made up.  

Q: Blake, I’ve never heard of Sex and the City. What is it?

A: It used to be an HBO show about four women living in New York City, and their relationship travails. The four women can be loosely categorized as the romantic, the workaholic, the sexually voracious one, and the one who wore a flowerpot on her head to the premiere of the first movie. 

Q: It sounds…weird.

A: It sorta was, but it didn’t really start out as horrendously as its current incarnation. The show used to be somewhat entertaining, and sometimes you’d get to see some boob. Or the chick from Mannequin proving how flexible she was.

Q: So why does this girl I’m interested in want to see the movie so much if it’s as terrible as it sounds?

A: It’s kind of like a high school reunion. It sounds like a good idea at the time. You’ll get to see old friends, and reminisce about what things were like in the good old days. Also, as I mentioned above, ladies love shoe porn and stories about tightly-knit friendships amongst women who will always love each other. 

Q: Wow! Both of those things sound hot, but what is shoe porn exactly?

A: Neither is exciting as it sounds. Shoe porn, much like real porn, is the gratuitous display of ridiculous things you would never do in real life. In the case of SATC2, this involves ridiculous shoes that cost more than a monthly mortgage payment, and $20,000 dresses. It’s basically a shopping fantasy. 

Q: BORING!

A: I’m with you on that one, pal. Believe me. 

Q: So what if this girl I’m dating asks me to go see the movie with her?

A: Make up any excuse you can think of to get out of it, my friend. Tell her you’d rather she share that experience with her girlfriends. Tell her you’d rather have a Memorial Day barbecue. Tell her you’ve suddenly become really interested in watching the Stanley Cup Finals, and can’t make it. Tell her your dog drove your parents off a cliff, Toonces-style, and you have to preside over three funerals this weekend. Basically, tell her anything you can to get out of it. 

Q: What if she says she really wants me to go see it with her, and she’ll have sex with me afterwards?

A: Ouch, that’s a real Sophie’s Choice right there. I mean, you’d think the no-brainer choice would be sex, right? WRONG! I’m telling you right now there is no way you’ll feel like having sex after having gouged your eyes out with the popcorn bucket.

Q: I’m scared, Blake.

A: Me too, buddy. Me too.  

Q: So what should I do?

A: The best thing you can do, fight fire with fire. If this is a girl you’re serious about, tell her the truth, that you’re not really interested in seeing the movie, but you will anyway because you like her. And then make plans to see a movie of your choice later in the year. I’m recommending the A-Team. If she likes you, she’ll appreciate that you’re thinking about your future together. If she doesn’t, she’ll probably dump you right then, and then you won’t have to go see the movie. Everybody wins!

Until next week, kids, take care!

(Credits: Image by lorenzinhos)

Other People Can Screw Up Your Sex Life

By Damon Brown

Our Samantha Scholfield did a great post on Facebook Flirting 101

facebook-flirting-101 and it made me think of the reasons why we do some things publicly and other things privately. Why post on someone’s wall or respond to his or her Twitter versus sending them a private email or text? It depends on what we want from the person – and what we want from other people, too. Not being real about this can screw up your sex life, or lack there of.

Think about the many reasons why we would have sex with someone: 

*You are attracted to them

*They are nice to you

*You don’t want the night to end

It’s cool because it actually has to do with your potential partner. Now think about the many reasons why we would have sex that has nothing to do with our lover: 

*You want to get over an ex

*You want someone else to get jealous

*You want bragging rights tomorrow, so you have to seal the deal

Most of us have a story about angry sex or awkward sex or whatever, but even in those situations sex is best when all people involved are honest about why they are doing it. The problems happen when it eventually comes out why you were doing it in the first place – and the person getting hurt the most could be you.

(Credits: Image by: Ted Percival)