Anniversary Determination

By Samantha Scholfield

For the coupled up who aren’t married, what event marks the beginning of our relationships (and the date of which determines our anniversaries)? Is it the first date? The first sexual encounter? The DTR talk ? The first “I love you” day? 

If you were friends or knew each other for a period of time before you actually started dating, do you count your anniversary as the day you met, especially if sparks flew and you knew you liked that person, even if circumstances prevented you from making a move? Is it the day you first hooked up? The first official romantic, non-friend date? The day you admit your feelings for each other? 
In my informal conversations with people, it appears that the most common way the anniversary date is determined is to retroactively use the date of the first romantic date, after the DTR has occurred. This makes sense: if you were to use the first date as the anniversary marker prior to any DTRing, the chances of totally freaking out your date by celebrating your “anniversary” of your “relationship” with them are pretty high. After all, I think most would agree that anniversary (in a romantic situation), implies that both parties are fully aware of what’s being celebrated — when it’s one-sided, it’s obsession or stalking. 

Another benefit of using the first date (retroactively) as the determination of the anniversary, assuming the DTR happens about three weeks to a month into dating, is that you automatically get to add a month or so to your coupledom. This gives you street cred with other couples and at parties, since the question of “How long have you guys been together” is always one of the first things asked, is one of those questions we use to measure each other up when we’re getting to know one another and the answer to which lets the questioning party assume volumes about you: how solid are you as a couple, how well do you know each other, how serious it is and, how likely it is to last. 

In the beginning of a relationship, each month together marks an exciting milestone and an accomplishment, since so many things fizzle after just a short time. Recognizing each month you still like each other and want to be together is a big deal and is cause for celebration, whatever event you choose to mark the beginning.
Yours in anniversarating, S
Credits: Image by istolethetv

F&$# the “Should”

By Samantha Scholfield 

 

Our very own brilliant Damon Brown wrote a fantastic post last week  about not being pressured into thinking your sex life should be something, when if it makes you and your partner happy it’s great as is. I’m going to continue on that same theme and argue that the same theory applies to dating. 
There’s so much “should” propaganda out there telling us that our dating lives should be these raging, always exciting, non-stop, somewhat drama-filled roller-coasters of emotion. It comes from ads, movies, celebrities, and closer to home, from our friends, families and occasionally the barista who makes our lattes in the morning. We end up feeling like we “should” be  going out more, sending more emails to hot people in our online dating forays, or making more of an effort to get set up by friends. We feel like we “should” be in a relationship when we’re not or either getting out of one or pushing it to the next level if we’re in one.  And when we start getting into our late twenties and early thirties, the pressure to not only date someone seriously but get married, find the white picket fence and have babies starts coming from our families, and also from random acquaintances at weddings, coffee shops and well-meaning co-workers. The pressure never lets up. 

I say f&$# the pressure. 

If your dating life is making you happy, ignore the gentle but relentless pushing to do whatever it is that friends, family and the big ad agencies think you should be doing. If you’re happy on your own right now, own it. If you’re happy with the 15 dates you aim for each week, rock it. If your plan for no kids/no wedding is right for you, ignore the nay-sayers and follow your dreams. 

The only reason to change it up is if you’re not happy and/or you’re not meeting your personal dating/relationship goals. If this is the case, all you have to do to find that happiness is to make the changes necessary to meet those goals and get where you want to go. Although that’s kind of a “duh” statement, it can be easy to forget how simple it is to make changes for the better. We forget because sometimes it’s easier to keep doing the same thing because it’s familiar, even if we think we might be happier doing something else. Or we rule out the possibility of owning our lives and making changes because we’re scared of the unknown. The courage to make those changes is what makes us strong and grows us as people. Making changes because it’s what YOU want — and not what someone else told you to do — is extremely powerful. 

For example, if you’re in a relationship that’s sucking your soul, get out of it and focus on you for a while. If you’re single and don’t want to be, get yourself involved in classes or with groups of people that enjoy the same things you do (the more co-ed, the better). Then, you’ll be enriching your own life and at the same time, meeting new people you already have something in common with (and if it doesn’t work with them, they all have friends who have friends who are probably awesome). 

In short, f&$# the “should” and focus on doing what’s right for you. Your dating life is YOUR dating life — it should reflect what you want. 

Yours in damning the man, S

(Credits: Image by kevindooley)

The Agency Review

By Jackie Summers

Advertising is a trillion dollar business. The science of separating suckers from their hard-earned income is a cornerstone of capitalism, and the client-agency relationship is a tenuous beast at best. The process by which high profile clientele is acquired and retained is pertinent to today’s dating discussion.

Typically there are three phases in the life of the agency/client relationship. It goes something like this:

First up is the pitch. This is the part where you convince a perspective client that no one can represent their interests better than you. You do research, present a list detailing the wealth of your resources, the skill of your craftsmen, along with awards and testimonials from other satisfied clients. This can take months, and no effort or expense is spared.

If you’re fortunate enough to be awarded the account, you pop a bottle of champagne, because you’re about to be hugely compensated. The bubbly serves as the precursor to settling into the actual day to day work. This is what you asked for, and it can be taxing. The work doesn’t stop with the win, it’s just beginning. Clients can be hard to interpret, they may not know what they want, they may have difficulty articulating their desires, they may ask for one thing and then change their minds at any time for any reason. This part of the relationship requires maintenance, as you’re constantly trying to better understand and please the client. During this stage there is usually lots of bitching, and all of the pretty promises made during the pitch stage are long forgotten.

At least, until the account comes up for review. Contracts have a preset expiration date, at which point a client will analyze how well you interpreted and actualized their needs. They examine quantifiable growth, and the nature of your communication. ‘Here’s what you did right, here’s where you fell short, here is what we were hoping to see from you, and here is the direction we’d like to take.’ It is bluntly set before you: now that our original agreement is coming to a close, persuade us why we should continue to reward you with our business. Other agencies are willing to bend over backwards to prove they can represent our interests better than you. Please, present evidence that you are deserving of being awarded this account, again.

Relationships should work with such ruthless efficiency.

We’ve all seen this game play out in our love lives. During the ‘pitch’ stage, many men (and some women) will say or do anything to convince you they are ‘the one’ for you. They will leap tall buildings, promise to bring democracy to Cuba, nationalized healthcare to America, and an NBA championship to the New York Knicks. No effort or expense is spared, every ounce of charisma is expended, and grandiose dramatic gestures are made. If successful, the compensation package is significant: you get a friend, a confidant, a companion, a lover.

Once you’ve ‘won’ the business, the real work begins. Anytime you try to meld two lives into one, you’re facing significant challenges. Men and women bring their heritage, their relationship history, their sexual predilections and their idiosyncrasies into relationships. Communicating needs and desires isn’t always clear, and fulfilling them requires honesty, dedication and commitment. This is usually about the part where all the bitching comes in.

But what would happen if you knew your account was coming up for review? What if partners could sit each other down and say ‘you went out of your way to persuade me to be with you. Now, you are failing to live up to expectations. There are others who (pointing to heart and/or crotch) desire this, and are willing to do anything, to get what I give to you. I’m putting your account up for review. Please, convince me why I should continue to reward you with my attention, my affection, my love, my sex.’

Okay maybe that’s a bit draconian. The client/agency dynamic tends to be one-sided, and few people respond well to being scrutinized. In a healthy, functional relationship, the desire to continually please each other is based on love, not fear. Complacency however, kills relationships. Often once people become involved, they either cease doing the things that attracted a partner in the beginning, or they become unresponsive to change. Open, honest communication is required to keep a relationship vibrant, to make sure your needs and those of your partner are being met.

An agency who fails to correctly interpret the needs of a client will have their account terminated. A lover who fails to adore you for who you are, who is unable to present evidence they are deserving of your time, your affection, your love, your sex, should be summarily dismissed. One person’s inability to appreciate you does not diminish you, and (pointing to heart and/or crotch) there will always be another willing to go to the ends of the earth to demonstrate they are deserving of being rewarded with the gift of you.

What Women Want

By Magic

Women are not looking for a specific personality in a man and each woman is attracted to different, ever-evolving qualities. Just like women, men go through different phases where the type of woman to whom they are attracted changes. Attraction to body type, hair, personality, features, etc. changes. Many men, including myself, have varying definitions on what is attractive in a woman. One day I may be into a blonde; the next a brunette. I may desire large breasts, long legs, or a curvy shape. On some days there isn‘t a particular preference and every person goes through these natural changes.

Women experience the same evolution. One day she may want a skinny rocker, the next a body builder. She may want a man with a wild side in her twenties and become more attracted to a conservative personality in her thirties.

Do not build your personality based upon what you think is attractive to the opposite sex. You should be yourself, do what makes you feel good, and do what you like. Your looks and personality should be for you and should match what‘s inside you, be infused with what allows you to meet your personal goals –called congruence. Incongruence –the opposite of congruence –is a sign of insecurity and a complete turn off for women. It is guaranteed that there will be many women attracted to your body and personality type. Be comfortable in your skin and the women will follow.

However there are certain traits that spark attraction in women. There are the traits that every Casanova possesses. You do not have to possess all of these traits but try to incorporate as many as you can without completely altering your lifestyle. This will make seduction much easy.

Here is the list of some very important traits that attract women:

• Confidence
• Exceptional grooming
• Humor
• Humility
• Being a challenge
• Creativity
• Boldness
• Thoughtful
• Laid back
• Social
• Positive Attitude

If you could incorporate these traits in your lifestyle and display without being too obvious, you will successfully turn on women’s attraction switches.

(Credits: Image by Niccolò Caranti)

Pal + Kate Plus Eight = Bad Ideas

By Blake Townsley

Howdy, folks. Welcome back to the humble Friday installment of the Pickv bloggers’ corner. As you may recall from last week, my mission here at Pickv is to scour the tabloids, internet and otherwise, to find the pop culture nuggets that make for an interesting discussion. What you choose to do with those nuggets is up to you. I promise I won’t judge.  

Today, I was all set up to discuss the pop culture phenomenon of Glee. I’ll admit that I’ve been hooked on it since Fox premiered the pilot last spring as a teaser for the full season. It’s even caused me to break my very strict rules about never, ever watching a musical. When I got home last night and hopped on the internet, however, I saw an article that made me cackle with glee for a different reason. The article? The latest from Kate Gosselin’s camp, regarding her plans for achieving A-list status in Hollywood. I guess that review of Jane Lynch paying tribute to Madonna’s Vogue video will have to wait until next week. For now, I can’t wait to dig into the hubristic train wreck of Team Gosselin.  

Setting aside a moment for full disclosure, I’ve never seen one minute of Kate Gosselin’s show about her and the kids and the chain-smoking husband-douche. I don’t watch Dancing With The Stars. My only real contact with the Gosselin family has been through those most reliable of sources, Internet celebrity gossip websites. While those are far from unimpeachable, firsthand founts of information, I feel like I’ve been reading long enough to get as good a grasp on her life as any other random blogger. Which is to say, none whatsoever. Let’s proceed with the judgment! 

For those of you that didn’t see it, one of Kate’s “pals” was quoted over at Popeater spouting the following: “Kate is serious about going Hollywood and thinks dating a celebrity is a great idea. When Kate sees how Tom Cruise changed Katie Holmes life, it became clear that she needed to do the same. Obviously, she knows she’s not yet ready to date a George Clooney, but she thinks she would be the perfect partner for a Jeff Goldblum or someone like David Hasselhoff.” 

After I stopped laughing, two things became immediately clear. First, Kate’s “pal” the publicist is either the logical heir to Steven Wright’s killer deadpan style of humor, or a community college dropout with delusions of grandeur. Second, Kate Gosselin just got a whole lot more interesting, if only for the tragedy that lies down this path.  

How many things are wrong with that three-sentence paragraph? I will agree that dating a celebrity is a great idea. What’s not to like about it? I’m sure it’s a rush to associate with someone that everyone knows, and potentially likes. It’s the equivalent of dating the head cheerleader or varsity quarterback in high school. It automatically makes you cooler by association, unless I totally misinterpreted the plot of She’s All That. And I understand that Mrs. Gosselin certainly has acquired a taste for easy money after her reality show. If someone wanted to pay me for doing pretty much nothing all day, I’d get used to it in a hurry as well. It’s the same reason you’re not supposed to feed bears in Yellowstone. It makes them lazy and unable or unwilling to find their own food.  

We haven’t even gotten to the part about which celebrities Kate is ready to date. Obviously she’s not ready for a Clooney, so she should probably start at the bottom of the celebrity food chain, and work her way up like a minor league ballplayer. I can only imagine how bad Jon Gosselin must be as a husband if The Hoff seems like an upgrade. All I can see is that video The Hoff’s daughter put on YouTube of him on the floor, drunkenly eating a cheeseburger with no shirt on. There’s only one possible conclusion: Jon Gosselin must be the spawn of the devil.  

Obviously, once Kate’s proved that she can handle a German heartthrob with alcohol issues, it’s only a matter of time before she convinces Intern George that she is what’s been missing from his fairy-tale existence of winning Oscars and sleeping with beautiful Italian women and Las Vegas cocktail waitresses, who as we all know are the American equivalent of beautiful Italian women.  

Where was I? Oh, right, YOU LEAVE JEFF GOLDBLUM OUT OF THIS, KATE GOSSELIN! THAT MAN IS A NATIONAL TREASURE! 

Whoops, the powers that be here are telling me it’s time to wrap up. So here goes… 

I’m sure it’s not easy to raise eight kids with an absentee father, and I don’t begrudge Kate Gosselin the chance to provide the best possible life for those poor kids. The therapy bills alone are going to run into the hundreds of thousands of dollars before high school graduation hits.  

So, good for you, Kate, for pursuing the American dream for your kids, if that’s really the reason you’re doing this. I hope it is, because otherwise this whole thing smacks of self-serving egotism, and misguided and amateurish attempts to get famous. If you’re gonna date someone, do it because you like them, and they really love all eight of your kids, and it’s the right thing to do for your family. At the very least, fire your publicist, because she’s pissing off Jeff Goldblum. Don’t make him send Sally Struthers over to your house to smack your nannies around.  

“Won’t anyone think of the children!?!”

(Credits: Image by Grant Neufeld)

The Trick of Dating

By My So Called Love Life

What I’m listening to: “I’m only going to break your heart” by Taio Cruz

Hello Pickv community, as the weather changes as does my dating situation. Sweet fireman has been sending me texts inviting me out and I can just feel the “please!” in each text. I just don’t have the heart to tell him, ”no, really it’s me not you!”  I hate saying or hearing that sorry for an excuse, over played reason. So, instead sweet fireman I bet feels very sorry for this over scheduled girl; since I gave him any and every reason not to meet up (except for I have to wash my hair).

Dr. ego, after our first date, was very attentive about checking the pulse of our blooming “relationship.” No sign of malpractice was in sight and Dr. ego was being the utmost professional, until he made a trip to southern California. This brought out the dark side of  my “perfect” Doctor. After a very pathetic attempt of a Skype conversation, I concluded that he had lost interest and was still on a high of some girl he met down there. This was Monday, by Saturday evening close to midnight I received a very surprising Skype from you guessed it Dr. ego “hey, what are you up to?” Confused and a little hoping he had been in a comma for the week, I replied with a very calm and collected “hey not much.” Ya I know I didn’t really “give” it to him, but hey I was willing to hear out the guy; I’m a reasonable person…phones fall into toilets, laptops can explode, and an orphanage in some remote village in Haiti can always use an on call doctor, right?

So, Doctor ego very bluntly told me that he was offered a job down in Southern California and was moving down there in two weeks. He admitted he hadn’t attempted to contact me sooner because he didn’t know how to handle the situation. So, ignoring me really makes it even more ok? Honestly, I had written him off as that guy…after only the one thing your mother warns you about that boys want. Fine, some boys are like that. Though, this is worse; not only did he say he didn’t want me to become too attached but he didn’t want to break my heart. (so thoughtful this guy, right?) Well, I gently explained to him that my heart is fully intact, and he hadn’t even put a scrape on it. No bandage needed, but thanks for the extra follow up exam. So, then he proceeds to ask me if I wanted to come over for a massage. This guy has boulders here, now I remember how he got his nickname. I told him there was no way I would be a  booty(Skype) call. This must have chipped at his very large ego since he went on to say, that I wasn’t even experienced enough for him. Sorry Dr. ego, I didn’t know you were so delicate or so slutty… 

So, exit Dr. ego and enter Mr. Houdini. Mr. Houdini is the master of making himself disappear at the most surprising moments and at one big swoop of his wand he reappears with a great applause and a gasp of the crowd. Mr. Houdini  and I have been “seeing” each other for a couple of months. Every time I say well that was a great show where’s my parking ticket? He comes back for an encore performance. We both agreed to a non-committal commitment. Meaning, I’ll see you when I see you kid. This keeps our dates fun, exciting, and frustrating for the both of us. He is very good with his magical seduction, but when it comes down to it, it’s all screen and mirrors and the “fun” stuff in a relationship. Mere distractions to the meat and potatoes of the real meal.  Is casual dating cheating? Am I just having my desert and ignoring the real good meals out there?  Does it always have to be between cupcakes or roast beef?

While we ponder these questions I’ll be heading to Las Vegas where there is always a buffet for everyones’ cravings.

(Credits: Images by free2beesmees)

The Perfect First Date Follow-Up

By Samantha Scholfield

You’ve had the first date, and it rocked. Maybe hands were held, maybe there was a kiss, maybe there was even sex — it doesn’t matter. Bottom line, it was great and you want to see this person again.

How do you go about creating the perfect follow-up so that you: 

1. Maintain the awesome, totally chill but fun persona you had going on the first date (to prove that it wasn’t a fluke)?
2. Don’t seem too desperate (because looking desperate supersedes any points you got on the rockin’ first date)?
3. Make it clear you like them (because nobody likes to be kept in the dark with mixed signals), while hiding the fact that you’re REALLY into this person and you’ve already thought about your future together (something to keep hidden so that you don’t freak them out)?

There are many differing opinions about how long you should wait to call a person after you’ve had the first date, varying from the no-games/heart-on-sleeve ASAP to making them wait a week. Like Goldilocks, I’m a fan of the middle option - 2 to 3 days. As in, if you went out on Saturday, Tuesday mid-morning is a perfect follow-up time.  

What form should this follow-up take? Again - the opinions range from 64 long stem roses delivered to the office with a note professing your love to maybe sending an email or a text a week after the fact. I’m a big proponent of the voicemail — not just any voicemail — but a carefully crafted, short and sweet message conveying your hip lifestyle, endearment through sassiness and most importantly, a reason that you require their company as a certain time. 

Here’s the three-step breakdown: 

1) The ideal follow-up voicemail mentions what a good time you had (so as to indicate your interest and appreciation of the good time you had, but tempered to keep your total excitement under control about your future life together — there’s time for that on date three and beyond:  “Hey! It’s [your name here]. I had a great time with you on Saturday.” 

2) Then, you mention an event that you must attend, real or created for the sole purpose of the voicemail (a friend’s birthday party, your cousin’s art gallery opening for which you require a co-pilot, or a concert you have two tickets to but your friend just bailed and you need a date) — “So, I need a date for this thing on Thursday night….Do you want to be my plus one for the evening?” 

3) Wrap it up with a short and sweet ending: “Call me back. [your number here].”

You have a reason to be calling them besides confessing your undying love after spending such an amazing evening with them (always good), you’ve suggested the next potential activity, which saves both of you the awkward should-we-do-coffee-or-hiking conversation, and the fact that you were going to be going anyway and you’re inviting them along because you need a date (or need to give away a concert ticket), conveys with no uncertainty your lack of desperation. You’re clearly social, fun and busy — all good things.

If they happen to pick up the phone instead of you being able to leave your voicemail, the same rules apply - keep it short and sweet, pass along the invitation and have a reason to be getting off the phone: “I’m at work so I can’t talk long, but wanted to call and see if you were available for xyz on Friday - I need a date.”

Yours in second date bliss, S

(Credits:Image by Obie Fernandez)

Stand Out From The Crowd and Get a Reply

By Samantha Scholfield

Online dating can be fun, it can blow, and it can fall somewhere in between — all depending on how often your carefully crafted emails receive replies. Here are some tips to up that percentage and make every time you log onto your dating account a positive experience.

• Be honest on your profile. If you’re a grand-master King in your local LARP-ing league, shout it out. If you’re looking for someone to volunteer with at the local animal shelter and keep things casual, spell it out. If you’re ready to get married within the next 60 days and you’re desperately seeking a fellow Jimmy Buffet fan who loves piña coladas, hates yoga and loves getting caught in the rain, make it known. Passion and authenticity are sexy. Plus, the more honest and interesting you are, the more reason you give someone to email you. 

• Be original with your subject lines. Avoid the standard “Hi”, “What’s up?” or “You’re hot.” These are a dime a dozen in in-boxes and in all likelihood, won’t get a click. We’re all looking for that interesting, funny, awesome person to spend time with, and interesting, funny, awesome people don’t say “‘Sup” in their subject lines. For example, one of the best subject lines I’ve seen in my dating inbox is “Synesthete seeking mango-hater”. I’m deathly allergic to mangoes so clearly he’d read my profile (always a plus), and the synesthesia thing was an interesting, stand-out angle. 

• Use awesome pictures. The goal is to come up with 5-7 pictures of you that illustrate your life, including at least one close-up one that shows off your handsomeness to the max. You’ve got a great dog? Give Fido some love and use a picture of you two together — the happier-looking the better. Love going to costume parties? Post your favorite trekkie themed party picture of you and your five closest friends (being sure to point out which one is you, of course). The point is, when potential dates arestalking you checking out your profile to see what information they can glean about how normal you are, the more information you can give them to prove you’re a functional, friendly human being, the better. One caveat - avoid pictures with just you and your ex. Not only will this cause a flurry of questioning on the part of the person looking at your profile (Is he over her?), but you’re on the dating site to move forward and meet new people, not show off how hot your ex was.

Bottom line, use your profile as a tool to give the best, most honest picture of you as possible. If your top three bands are Hanson, Radiohead and Thrice and your favorite movie is “Anacondas”, you’re going to greatly up your chances of meeting a fellow Hanson/Radiohead/Thrice/Anacondas lover if you’re true to yourself on your profile. 

Until next time, yours in best-foot-forward-honesty, S

(Photo: Credits by Photomish Dan)

The Sweet and Sour

By My So Called Love Life

What I’m listening to: Lady Gaga (of course)  

As it’s the first time meeting me fellow Pickv’s, I will let you know a bit about myself. I work in promotions here at Pickv.com. I am the one who is going to try to make it out to all of those singles events. So if there is some major singling and mingling I will be there! 

Also, I am single myself, so is any one out there on the look out for a nerdy blonde girl who may or may not blog about our date? ;)  We’ll get back to that in a second. 

So, talking about first impressions… I myself had a couple of first encounters this week. 

I had two dates this week. One was with a sweet Fireman that was smoking hot and I can only imagine how he looks in his fire suit. Though, the chemistry was not even a fire hazard. Our date was sweet, we met at a frozen yogurt shop. I do have to say our conversation felt artificial and unsweetened. We talked about our family, work, and school. Though, there were some sparks of hope. Especially when the topic of music came up. He asked me who I was currently listening to at the moment. Since, I am unashamed to say Lady Gaga has been ruthlessly been put on repeat on my Itunes. I blurted it out like I was a musical rebel. Though, I know Lady Gaga has been everyones’ sweet addiction these days. He smiled and gave me a high five. Sadly, his response was a little to complacent. He said he listens to everything. This marked him in the box of people pleaser. Way to hose down my hope Fireman. I know I shouldn’t be so judgmental, but how can I like you when you don’t even know what YOU like. I like people who are passionate about themselves, this means being passionate about the foods they choose, the music they play on the long commute to work, that book that changed their life, or the movie that brought luster back into their souls.  

If you don’t have passion for life, why would I want to be passionate about you? 

So on to my second date with Doctor ego. Doctor ego looks great on paper. He’s smart, funny, and oh so good looking. I would definitely put on make up for my Doctor’s appointment with him. If Doctor McSteamy on Grey’s Anatomy had a little brother it would be Doctor ego. Doctor ego and I met at a frozen yogurt shop too (different yogurt places from mine and the Fireman’s). When I first saw him he made my stomach jump up with excitement. The conversation was light, he made me laugh and made me wonder. Though, a guy like this could be just playing me or he could be really interested. The worst part is he knows his best attributes and his worst. Yet why am I drawn to this man that is full of cockiness? Fireman was sweet and polite, where Doctor ego said whatever was on his mind, even if it wasn’t within the dating guidelines of proper etiquette. He knows what he likes; he likes The Killers which I had blasting in my “hoopty” Ford Taurus all through High School. He wants to take me out to Indian or Mexican food. My two top foods I want to have with me if I ever had to eat only two ethnic dishes until the end of time. Is this a match made in killer Bollywood movies heaven? Hmmm… stay tuned, from my experience on watching Grey’s Anatomy McSteamy is a real heart breaker….

(Credits: Image by sphilp1225)

The Real You

By Damon Brown

 

Earlier this year I had a long interview with Robert Greene, author of the awesome books The 48 Laws of Power, The Art Of Seduction and The 50^th Law. The whole interview is here http://bit.ly/5PPEPl, but this is one of my favorite excerpts:

-

One of the things I say in The Art Of Seduction is that many people want to separate emotions and sexuality from the mind, thinking that putting thought into things will take the romance out. But that’s bullshit! If you put more of your mind into it, it actually makes things better – and you can make smart decisions.

As a first law, if you’re young, don’t get married until you’re ready. You have a Kobe Bryant or a Tiger Woods who is getting married because they want children, but they don’t think about how they want to explore their youth. They want everything. A lot of people get married too early or for the wrong reasons.

-

Robert is focusing on marriage, but he’s really talking about honesty. And he’s not just talking about honesty with others, but honesty with yourself.

Sometimes we want to swing from chandeliers and hit kinky Eyes Wide Shut parties, and other times we want to walk on the beach and read poetry to someone (or someones). It’s OK to want all of it. Just be honest about it. The complications come when we allow social conventions to dictate our lives:

• We have to be straight or gay.
• We have to decide on monogamy or it isn’t a real, committed relationship.
• We have to want kids or, obviously, there’s something wrong.
• We have to be sexually active.
• We have to be married by age 30.

Dating can already be a pressure-filled test: Meet a person for the first time, share your hopes, your dreams and your sexual fantasies, and hope he or she longs (or lusts!) for the same stuff. It’s scary, which is why we’re told to ease into dating – don’t bring out the crazy too early! – and slowly get to know one another. The question is when the best foot forward self ends and when the real you makes an appearance. It’s much easier to stay behind the mask, which cheats both you and your partner: You don’t get to be yourself and your partner doesn’t get a chance to see you in all your beautiful, flawed glory.

What if your date also wants to have sex on the Eiffel Tower, have a romantic sleepover in pjs or, perhaps the most controversial, have a vanilla, wholesome existence? You may never know if you’re not real with them.

Have you ever tried being super honest on a first date? How did it turn out?

(Credits: Image by Emilio Labrador)