A Guys Guide to Surviving Sex and The City 2 

By Blake Townsley

Howdy, friends, and happy Memorial Day Weekend to all of you. I’m hoping everyone’s getting ready for the official start of summer, and planning on getting out there and safely enjoying yourselves. Unfortunately, I think that too many guys out there are unknowingly headed towards a catastrophic disaster of a weekend, and I want to take some time to warn y’all before it’s too late. 

I’m speaking of course about the Sex and the City 2 movie that opens this weekend. I don’t know how much attention the fellas have been paying, but if my Facebook feed is any indication, this is going to be the highest grossing movie of all time in about four days. I’ve been getting notices for four weeks in the vein of, “OMG, just bought my SATC2 tickets for a night out with the girls. Can’t wait!!!” That way lies damnation, gents.  

Like most of you with the Y chromosome, I am utterly baffled by the excitement surrounding this movie. The critical reviews are nearly universal in panning everything about it, and with what seems like good reason. To me it looks like a cross between Ishtar and a drag show produced by the mentally infirm, with a plot written by an English class of gay racist tweens. As near as I can tell, however, Sex and the City has two things going for it as a franchise, shoe porn and female bonding. Those are some powerful forces at work. That means the ladies are going to see it, and you’re probably going to be forced to talk about it, or hear about it in the near future. In order to help you survive this ordeal, I’m going to provide the greatest public service I possibly can, The Guy’s Guide to Surviving SATC2, in easy to read question-and-answer format. As always, all questions and answers are totally made up.  

Q: Blake, I’ve never heard of Sex and the City. What is it?

A: It used to be an HBO show about four women living in New York City, and their relationship travails. The four women can be loosely categorized as the romantic, the workaholic, the sexually voracious one, and the one who wore a flowerpot on her head to the premiere of the first movie. 

Q: It sounds…weird.

A: It sorta was, but it didn’t really start out as horrendously as its current incarnation. The show used to be somewhat entertaining, and sometimes you’d get to see some boob. Or the chick from Mannequin proving how flexible she was.

Q: So why does this girl I’m interested in want to see the movie so much if it’s as terrible as it sounds?

A: It’s kind of like a high school reunion. It sounds like a good idea at the time. You’ll get to see old friends, and reminisce about what things were like in the good old days. Also, as I mentioned above, ladies love shoe porn and stories about tightly-knit friendships amongst women who will always love each other. 

Q: Wow! Both of those things sound hot, but what is shoe porn exactly?

A: Neither is exciting as it sounds. Shoe porn, much like real porn, is the gratuitous display of ridiculous things you would never do in real life. In the case of SATC2, this involves ridiculous shoes that cost more than a monthly mortgage payment, and $20,000 dresses. It’s basically a shopping fantasy. 

Q: BORING!

A: I’m with you on that one, pal. Believe me. 

Q: So what if this girl I’m dating asks me to go see the movie with her?

A: Make up any excuse you can think of to get out of it, my friend. Tell her you’d rather she share that experience with her girlfriends. Tell her you’d rather have a Memorial Day barbecue. Tell her you’ve suddenly become really interested in watching the Stanley Cup Finals, and can’t make it. Tell her your dog drove your parents off a cliff, Toonces-style, and you have to preside over three funerals this weekend. Basically, tell her anything you can to get out of it. 

Q: What if she says she really wants me to go see it with her, and she’ll have sex with me afterwards?

A: Ouch, that’s a real Sophie’s Choice right there. I mean, you’d think the no-brainer choice would be sex, right? WRONG! I’m telling you right now there is no way you’ll feel like having sex after having gouged your eyes out with the popcorn bucket.

Q: I’m scared, Blake.

A: Me too, buddy. Me too.  

Q: So what should I do?

A: The best thing you can do, fight fire with fire. If this is a girl you’re serious about, tell her the truth, that you’re not really interested in seeing the movie, but you will anyway because you like her. And then make plans to see a movie of your choice later in the year. I’m recommending the A-Team. If she likes you, she’ll appreciate that you’re thinking about your future together. If she doesn’t, she’ll probably dump you right then, and then you won’t have to go see the movie. Everybody wins!

Until next week, kids, take care!

(Credits: Image by lorenzinhos)

The Agency Review

By Jackie Summers

Advertising is a trillion dollar business. The science of separating suckers from their hard-earned income is a cornerstone of capitalism, and the client-agency relationship is a tenuous beast at best. The process by which high profile clientele is acquired and retained is pertinent to today’s dating discussion.

Typically there are three phases in the life of the agency/client relationship. It goes something like this:

First up is the pitch. This is the part where you convince a perspective client that no one can represent their interests better than you. You do research, present a list detailing the wealth of your resources, the skill of your craftsmen, along with awards and testimonials from other satisfied clients. This can take months, and no effort or expense is spared.

If you’re fortunate enough to be awarded the account, you pop a bottle of champagne, because you’re about to be hugely compensated. The bubbly serves as the precursor to settling into the actual day to day work. This is what you asked for, and it can be taxing. The work doesn’t stop with the win, it’s just beginning. Clients can be hard to interpret, they may not know what they want, they may have difficulty articulating their desires, they may ask for one thing and then change their minds at any time for any reason. This part of the relationship requires maintenance, as you’re constantly trying to better understand and please the client. During this stage there is usually lots of bitching, and all of the pretty promises made during the pitch stage are long forgotten.

At least, until the account comes up for review. Contracts have a preset expiration date, at which point a client will analyze how well you interpreted and actualized their needs. They examine quantifiable growth, and the nature of your communication. ‘Here’s what you did right, here’s where you fell short, here is what we were hoping to see from you, and here is the direction we’d like to take.’ It is bluntly set before you: now that our original agreement is coming to a close, persuade us why we should continue to reward you with our business. Other agencies are willing to bend over backwards to prove they can represent our interests better than you. Please, present evidence that you are deserving of being awarded this account, again.

Relationships should work with such ruthless efficiency.

We’ve all seen this game play out in our love lives. During the ‘pitch’ stage, many men (and some women) will say or do anything to convince you they are ‘the one’ for you. They will leap tall buildings, promise to bring democracy to Cuba, nationalized healthcare to America, and an NBA championship to the New York Knicks. No effort or expense is spared, every ounce of charisma is expended, and grandiose dramatic gestures are made. If successful, the compensation package is significant: you get a friend, a confidant, a companion, a lover.

Once you’ve ‘won’ the business, the real work begins. Anytime you try to meld two lives into one, you’re facing significant challenges. Men and women bring their heritage, their relationship history, their sexual predilections and their idiosyncrasies into relationships. Communicating needs and desires isn’t always clear, and fulfilling them requires honesty, dedication and commitment. This is usually about the part where all the bitching comes in.

But what would happen if you knew your account was coming up for review? What if partners could sit each other down and say ‘you went out of your way to persuade me to be with you. Now, you are failing to live up to expectations. There are others who (pointing to heart and/or crotch) desire this, and are willing to do anything, to get what I give to you. I’m putting your account up for review. Please, convince me why I should continue to reward you with my attention, my affection, my love, my sex.’

Okay maybe that’s a bit draconian. The client/agency dynamic tends to be one-sided, and few people respond well to being scrutinized. In a healthy, functional relationship, the desire to continually please each other is based on love, not fear. Complacency however, kills relationships. Often once people become involved, they either cease doing the things that attracted a partner in the beginning, or they become unresponsive to change. Open, honest communication is required to keep a relationship vibrant, to make sure your needs and those of your partner are being met.

An agency who fails to correctly interpret the needs of a client will have their account terminated. A lover who fails to adore you for who you are, who is unable to present evidence they are deserving of your time, your affection, your love, your sex, should be summarily dismissed. One person’s inability to appreciate you does not diminish you, and (pointing to heart and/or crotch) there will always be another willing to go to the ends of the earth to demonstrate they are deserving of being rewarded with the gift of you.