365/24/7 Halloween

By Samantha Scholfield

Halloween is my favorite holiday, as it is for a lot of people. Besides the spooky factor, the candy and the ubiquitous availability of pumpkin lattes, it’s a night (or day, or weekend) that gives us all a pass to be anyone we want. We can show off our cleverness with a costume that makes everyone around us think “Why didn’t I think of that?” (Double Rainbow, anyone?) and we have full freedom to insert “Slutty” in front of almost any costume, wear as little as possible and get away with it, because it’s not only expected — it’s welcomed and applauded.

Why don’t we do this more often? 

This freedom feels fantastic, and I think the vast majority of us would agree that that’s why Halloween rocks. But why should we only get to take a hit of it one or two nights a year (like this year, yeah!)? This post serves as a call to happiness to encourage us to have costume parties year-round; to remember that being ourselves (whether that self channels Slutty Red-Riding Hood, Donatello the TMNT or The Situation) is something we should focus on, nurture and fully enjoy; and to live in a constant state of non-judgment — is there a non-judgier night than Halloween? 

Yours in preserving the trick or treat spirit, S 

(Image by greyloch)

Flying Solo Wins

By Samantha Scholfield

Think about the last time you fell into one of those random but awesome conversations with someone: maybe it was at the coffee shop, the bookstore, at the farmer’s market or at happy hour. Chances are good that both you and the random-conversation-someone were both cruising solo (or at least were temporarily separated from your respective groups.) 

This is because it’s waaaaaaaaay easier to talk to people when they’re not surrounded by a huge group of their fifteen closest friends (or even just plus one or two). And while your new crush hanging in a large group is not an insurmountable challenge, it’s a hell of lot easier to engineer a “random” conversation with them when they’re separated or are by themselves. Conversation itself is a lot less intimidating when it’s one on one, versus trying to engage two or three or ten other people at the same time, and most of us are far more comfortable with random conversation with attractive people we don’t know when there’s just one of them. 

So, in the interest of making it easier for those who may want to talk to you, consider flying solo the next time you want to be out and about. Or, if that seems totally crazy, separate yourself from the peeps for a while the next time you’re out with them and give the 98% of the population who shudders at the thought of approaching a large group a chance to talk to you. Friends rock for lots of reasons, but can unfortunately act as a giant deflector shield when there’s someone cute who wants to talk to you. 

Coffee shops, bookstores, farmer’s markets, happy hours, concerts, festivals — all are great places to meet cool people without deviating from your normal going-out patterns. And snagging another microbrew, latte or giving in to your truly epic need to continue the search for the perfect kumquat are all great excuses to be on your own for a bit (and make yourself available to awesome conversation with attractive people you don’t know yet). 

Yours in random awesomeness, S
(Image by: John Althouse Cohen)

Why Coffee Shops Rock

By Samantha Scholfield



I have a theory: Coffee shops may be the new bars, in terms of finding your next date. My job requires me to write for several hours a day, and so coffee shops are my office. There are lots of others who also call my office their office, both during the daylight hours and at night. My favorite coffee shop has several community tables, and conversation abounds when we get bored (which happens quite frequently). Because we’re all usually by ourselves, it’s ridiculously easy to start (or join in) a conversation with those in the vicinity, also clicking away at their variously branded laptops. Even on those days when I’m occupying my own table, there are always people within two or three feet of me at other tables, so it’s an equally talkative situation.

The conversations are random, and usually quite entertaining. Today, for example, I got into a conversation about the merits of pedicures with two guys, one of whom swore by the weekly pedicure as the most relaxing two hours he spends every week and was trying to convince his (doubtful) friend to jump on the bandwagon. I want to know where he’s getting a two-hour pedicure, and also am now very curious about what percentage of the male population has their feet groomed on a semi-regular basis. Entertaining, interesting and random = awesome.  

Everyone is friendly, and because coffee shops are not (yet) labeled as meat markets where we actively troll for dates, people are open to conversation and usually quite happy to talk. Friendly atmospheres are conducive to making connections more than sexy atmospheres, because there’s no pressure — after all, we’re not immediately judging one another by how hot we find the other person, but rather by what they say and how we interact. This is so much easier, comfortable and less intense than trying to talk to people in bars. There’s no need for elaborate pick-up techniques in coffee shops either — complimenting someone on their choice of witty t-shirt is more than enough to start a fun conversation. Win. 

While I’m on the subject, I do have one minor question to throw out into the universe about the ambient temperatures of coffee shops across the world: I know that some coffee places don’t enjoy us freelancers hogging their tables all day (and I try to be sensitive to the vibe of a place before I settle in for a few hours), but is it really necessary to keep the interior temperature at an icy 60-65 F? My hands are turning blue as I write this… 

Yours in rice milk chai lattes, the occasional americano and witty conversation, S

(Image by: Ballistik Coffee Boy)

Anniversary Determination

By Samantha Scholfield

For the coupled up who aren’t married, what event marks the beginning of our relationships (and the date of which determines our anniversaries)? Is it the first date? The first sexual encounter? The DTR talk ? The first “I love you” day? 

If you were friends or knew each other for a period of time before you actually started dating, do you count your anniversary as the day you met, especially if sparks flew and you knew you liked that person, even if circumstances prevented you from making a move? Is it the day you first hooked up? The first official romantic, non-friend date? The day you admit your feelings for each other? 
In my informal conversations with people, it appears that the most common way the anniversary date is determined is to retroactively use the date of the first romantic date, after the DTR has occurred. This makes sense: if you were to use the first date as the anniversary marker prior to any DTRing, the chances of totally freaking out your date by celebrating your “anniversary” of your “relationship” with them are pretty high. After all, I think most would agree that anniversary (in a romantic situation), implies that both parties are fully aware of what’s being celebrated — when it’s one-sided, it’s obsession or stalking. 

Another benefit of using the first date (retroactively) as the determination of the anniversary, assuming the DTR happens about three weeks to a month into dating, is that you automatically get to add a month or so to your coupledom. This gives you street cred with other couples and at parties, since the question of “How long have you guys been together” is always one of the first things asked, is one of those questions we use to measure each other up when we’re getting to know one another and the answer to which lets the questioning party assume volumes about you: how solid are you as a couple, how well do you know each other, how serious it is and, how likely it is to last. 

In the beginning of a relationship, each month together marks an exciting milestone and an accomplishment, since so many things fizzle after just a short time. Recognizing each month you still like each other and want to be together is a big deal and is cause for celebration, whatever event you choose to mark the beginning.
Yours in anniversarating, S
Credits: Image by istolethetv

Friends First

By Samantha Scholfield

When trying to figure out if those you meet online, in person and at Jimmy’s rager of a party last weekend are long-term relationship compatible, one question that I think gets overlooked in the “Definitely” vs. “Not sure” debate is whether or not you would be friends with this person if you took away the sexual component of your relationship. 

Do they make you laugh? Do they get you? Do you have a good time with them? Are you comfortable around them?Can you talk to them?Do they have your back?

Don’t get me wrong: sexual chemistry is extremely important in a relationship and is something deserving of major consideration when determining compatibility and, if things go well, exclusivity. But having someone to hang with that you dig as a person as well as wanting to rip their clothes off? That’s awesome. 

When in the dating game, we’re often faced with so many different packages of personality, looks, likes/dislikes, sense of humor, dreams/goals and hobbies, that it becomes overwhelming. It’s such a challenge to sort through and figure out who, if any, of the people we’re currently dating, hoping to date or looking for are right for us. As a result, we look to sexual chemistry to guide us because it’s easy. You KNOW when you think someone is attractive. It doesn’t require deep, introspective thought. However, great chemistry can be overwhelming, hard to see through and blind us to anything but sex. Plus, finding the perfect person(s) for each one of us is a challenge, and it’s incredibly enriching and a helpful to date people who are not entirely right for us so that we can better figure out what is right for us. We learn a tremendous amount about ourselves and how to navigate a relationship each time we have one. 

However, letting our decisions about relationships be guided solely by great chemistry can make it difficult to see the whole picture and, more often than not, if we chase only the sex and don’t think about whether or not the person in question is fun to hang with when we’re not having sex with them, making it long-term can be challenging. My point is that when we’re over being involved in things that don’t work out and we’re serious about searching for our next big relationship, it’s worth it to take a minute and figure out whether or not this person has potential as both a friend and as someone who frequently pushes our sexual chemistry buttons.

Yours in BFFs (with benefits), S

Credits: Image by  pedrosimoes7

Want to meet someone? Leave the house.

By Samantha Scholfield


A total “duh” answer, I know, so bear with me: this is one that crops up again and again even among those of us who swear we go out ALL THE TIME. Lethargy, feeling disenchanted with the whole dating scene and being just plain tired of trying, all sit securely in the “there’s no point, so why try” cheering camp. Before we know it, we’ve spent both weekend days inside our apartments — reorganizing the closet and/or spice rack, playing video games or just chilling in our own company. And the days? The days are when it happens. People are more low-key and relaxed during the day and so it’s much easier to have those awesome, random conversations that can turn into more than just “that fun guy/girl I met in the coffee shop/bookstore/park.”

Don’t get me wrong — there’s nothing wrong with a little self-imposed hibernation now and again. If anything, it’s needed and healthy to take a staycation from our lives and put aside some time to do that weird stuff that occupies our time when we live alone (or at least have our own room in a shared house). However, staying in ALL the time is bad news for our love lives because unfortunately, rarely is the pizza or sushi delivery guy or gal as sexy (and willing and available) as we dream them to be (or as they always seem to be in porn). 

The excuses for not leaving the house are plentiful and easy to come by, largely because it’s must easier to chill at home in our Snuggies or Slankets than it is to get dressed, find a reason to leave and go out. The next time they try to seduce you into yet another Project Runway marathon, give these excuses the finger. Weekend morning coffee drinker? Bring a book or your favorite newspaper and go sit at your local coffee shop for a couple hours on Sunday. Bored? Peruse a bookstore or check out that new art gallery down the street. It’s not necessary to have a point every time we go out — we can simply be out for the sake of being out, and for the sake of interacting with other breathing, warm-bodied (hopefully attractive and cool) fellow humans. And if the peeps aren’t available? Go without them. Being out by yourself is a fantastic way to make new friends, and who knows — you might just meet your next date.

Yours in avoiding spice-rack organization, S

Credits: Images by  Infrogmation

Happy and Tenacious Wins the Race

By Samantha Scholfield

(I’ve been running (okay… jogging) a lot recently, so please bear with my dating-as-a-footrace metaphor.)

Dating, if your goal is to find a long-term, awesome-for-you someone, isn’t a sprint-until-you-hurl situation. It’s way more a jog/run/walk ultra-marathon that will take a lot out of you in effort, but for which the end result is worth it. (Not that sprints don’t have pay-offs as well, but puking is never pleasant. I’m trying to make the point that slow and steady is a better way to go.) 

There will be ups and downs. Yes, it’s going to suck at times (enough that you’ll want to hurl), and yeah, sometimes it’s going to make you feel like you just did the world’s best feel-good upper. The point is that it’s a long haul, and if we sprinted through it, we’d get burned out. Burning out and giving up are not ideal places to be when you’ve got an end-goal of finding your perfect-for-you person in mind. So, while we’re on the emotional roller-coaster of crushing, dating, crying and crushing, finding our happy place to finish the race is completely necessary. Even when you’re in the throes of rejection-induced depression (or it-didn’t-work-out-AGAIN rage, or why-do-I-keep-dating-the-same-type ennui), try to remember that you can crawl out of the current hole and keep going. 

And for the record, I live in the camp of taking a break to get your head back where you want it and find your good attitude is not the same as giving up. Sometimes these breaks last a day, sometimes six months. Go at your own pace, give yourself time to catch your breath (there’s that running metaphor again), and keep the end-goal in mind. 
Having a good attitude is key not only because it makes the whole process more fun, but also because it helps you let the bad stuff roll over you. If you’re already in a place where you think that you’ll NEVER MEET ANYONE and an internet date turns out to be a disaster, it’s going to suck way more than if you subscribe to the “I know I’ll meet my perfect-for-me person someday” mantra. Plus, bad attitudes can breed desperation, cynicism and depression — none of which rock for finding and cultivating a healthy, happy relationship. The next time things suck, remember to banish the bad attitude and focus on the good — and maybe the finish line will be closer than we think. 

Yours in streaming a dating, jogging Pollyanna, S
Credits: Image by 666isMONEY ☮ ♥ & ☠

Whatever Turns You On

By Damon Brown

What makes your toes curl, your eyes widen into saucers or tighten down in anticipation, and your lips quiver? I love plenty of mental and emotional stimulation, but when it comes to the physical, one of my favorite body areas is the notch right above a woman’s hip. The little curves just ask to be kissed, bitten and adored. The pair can keep my attention for a long, long time. I have a pretty damn long list of fetishes, but that’s the first thing that comes to mind.

Wait – scratch the word “fetish”. I actually dislike the word as that, in itself, often means we’re normalizing one thing and judging another. A person who likes big boobs? He, she or ze is considered normal. A person who likes to be spanked? He, she or ze has a fetish. See what I mean? The only difference between the two desires is what society decided. Everyone loves big boobs! Spanking is weird! Fuck that. You should work hard to kick society out of your bedroom.
 

I definitely respect my brothers and sisters who have taken the word fetish and used it to representcutting edge sexuality, not unlike blacks, gays or other groups flipping derogatory terms put on them and taking ownership of the meaning. However, we have to be aware that the judgment is happening before we can stop judging ourselves. 

When it comes to your bedroom behavior, no matter how different it may seem, you don’t have a bunch of fetishes or strange rituals. You just have preferences. And considering how long it takes some of us to figure out what we like, you should be proud 

Credits: Image by Annie Mole

Learn From Your Teenage Self

By Damon Brown

Remember when you were 15? Sex was this strange, mysterious event that could be considered a right of passage, a way to get your rocks off or just a scary idea in general. Even those of us who were already sexually active were still trying to figure things out. 

There is a certain comfort in knowing what you like. I know what turns me on and, perhaps more importantly, what turns me off! The foreplay, the positions and the conversations that make me the happiest sexually can run through my mind like a flipbook. My desires come across in the language I use, the clothes I wear, the way that I touch and the way that I direct the people I am with. All these messages, whether conscious or unconscious, have been built over my years as a sexually active person.
 

The problem, however, is that we can know ourselves too well and still not well enough! We know our type is the reformed bad boy or the sexy librarian, so we don’t give a potential hottie a second look. We prefer missionary or reverse cowgirl, so the plethora of other positions aren’t even explored. There are hundreds of sexual positions and literally billions of potential partners out there. Why limit yourself?
 

Trust me: I have no desire to relive my teenage years which, probably like yours, were filled with nutty, uncomfortable, and crazy sexual experiences. However, remember that it was also a time of unusual, exciting and amazing discoveries. I remember saying “I didn’t know it worked like that?!” a record number of times. It was a wonderful time of exploration.
 

Now we are wiser about ourselves, our bodies and of others, so there is no better time than now to start exploring again. It will even be more fun the second time around.

(Credits: Image by greyloch)

5 Steps to Dating Like a SuperWoman

By Jackie Summers

You’re intelligent. You’re ambitious. You combine charisma and character, and command respect, all in your four inch stilettos. You can deflect BS off your magic bracelets, leap tall douche-bags in a single bound, and never lose your femininity. You’re a SuperWoman, you’re spectacular, and you’re single.

Okay, maybe that part about the magic bracelets only really exists in the comics. But just because you don’t have super powers doesn’t mean you can’t date like a hero. Here are five steps to help you date like a SuperWoman; mere mortals, please shield your eyes. 

Never Go Shopping When You’re Hungry
If you shop for food when you’re stomach is rumbling, everything in the supermarket looks good. Everything is appetizing when you’re dying of starvation.  If you’re hungry enough, you will eat  junk; things that are entirely devoid of nutritional content. Dating is similar, in that when you’re unhappy with who you are, you’re more likely to date junk, and conduct entire relationships that are devoid of emotional content. We all make better decisions about who to love when we aren’t starved for affection. Liking yourself is the start to being liked by someone, and being happy with who you are is the only way to become part of a happy couple. So before you go love someone else, fill up on love for yourself!

Pick Strawberries
It’s important to live and love with as little fear as possible. Life is short, and often painful.  You can’t predict the future and you can’t change the past. Try not to allow past pain or future uncertainty to keep you from enjoying the present.  Ideal circumstances rarely happen to people, but ideal people can happen to circumstances. Say and do the things that really matter to you today without hesitation, because you never know if you’re going to get another chance.  Your life is now. When strawberries present themselves, pick them.

Recognize Your Teachers
The Universe has a twisted sense of humor. Whatever blessing you ask of it, it will present you with the appropriate tools needed to develop in you the qualities you require to attain that which you seek.  Ask for love and The Universe will laugh, and whisper ‘Are you ready?’, knowing full well that you are not. It will scrape away your preconceptions, strip you down to your bare essence, and then it will point, and laugh.  The Universe wants you to become an individual worthy of it’s greatest gifts, so it will send you teachers. When relationships don’t work out, try to learn the lessons well enough not to repeat your mistakes, and then forget it all just enough to be open to making new mistakes. Remember, the Universe is preparing you to be part of something delicious.

Don’t Settle For Less than You Deserve
You accept only the highest standards for your job, your friends, your home. Why enforce a lower standard for your love life? Not everyone can afford a BMW, and not every man can be with you.  Be reasonable, be realistic, but never underestimate your intrinsic worth. The second you settle for less than you deserve, you deserve what you settled for.

Great Sex Reinforces Love
Great sex is to a relationship as oxygen is to air, in that it is a necessary, but not dominant component. Prolonged exposure to pure oxygen causes brain damage, but deprive the body of oxygen for even a few minutes and you’d die. Similarly, a relationship comprised of nothing but sex is ultimately toxic, but without it, relationships lose their fire and begin to die. Sexual chemistry is a powerful thing, so try to only form those kinds of bonds with someone you genuinely care for. The best sex in the world will isn’t reason enough to become romantically involved with someone who’s not right for you. Remember, it’s not what’s between your legs, it’s what’s between your ears.