Elvis Has left the Building

By Blake Townsley

Howdy folks, and happy Friday. As a few of you may have noticed, the regularly scheduled update from last week was skipped in favor of an early holiday weekend in mosquito heaven. But I’m back, a few pints lighter, and fired up to discuss the monumental week we just had. 

First up, the impressive news that Lindsay Lohan is going to jail for violating her probation. I’d guess this is a good thing for Lindsay, normally falling on the side of the argument that jail is enough to cause a person to think about their life choices. I would guess that, except I don’t think Lindsay has enough self-awareness to reflect on any choice she makes except which tweet to delete when she sobers up the next day. She certainly doesn’t seem to think this jail stint is anything but a grave injustice, or as she would probably put it, fucking bullshit. To be fair, she also sees this fucking bullshit as an opportunity to make a million dollars for her first post-jail interview. Gotta keep that prescription med money coming in somehow, I guess. 
 

Ms. Lindsay went so far as to google “torture” on her smartphone, tweeting several quotes from an article by Erik Luna, one of which was Article 5 of the U.N. Universal Declaration of Human Rights: “No one shall be subjected to torture or to cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment.” For once, Lindsay, I totally agree with you. It’s been inhuman and degrading punishment watching the trainwreck that is your life these past two years. I’m sure the UN is relieved you’ll be ceasing your torture of us for the next 90 days. 

Finally, after the court’s decision was announced, the obsessive scandal barons over at TMZ got out the magnifiying glasses and found out that Lindsay had written Fuck U on one of her fingernails. When it was postulated that this was directed at the judge in this case, a round of cries went up suggesting that Lindsay would be held in contempt of court. I’ve got news for you, people. If the judge didn’t think that Lindsay’s whole life since her last court date was enough to be held in contempt of court, writing FU half a millimeter high on her fingernail ain’t gonna do it either. Fare thee well, Ms. Lohan. I wish you the best of luck for your jail stay, and hope someone converts you to Islam while you’re in there. 

Shifting topics only slightly, some of you may have heard about this LeBron James announcement from last night. ESPN certainly tried to do its best impression of an Orwellian entity, doing everything possible to make sure you knew about it, cared about it, and would watch breathlessly, sitting through every commercial. It reminded me a lot of the social commentary subplot to The Cable Guy, when the nation sat transfixed by the verdict in a murder trial that ultimately had no bearing on anyone’s day-to-day life. After The Decision was over, I had a strong mental image of the closing scenes where Jim Carrey’s death knocked out cable across a wide area, and people realized ultimately the insignificance of the event, and returned to whatever they were doing before. Boy, do I certainly hope that’s true. 

While the absurdity revolving around the event reached levels previously only seen in the wildest imaginations of satirists, what grabbed my attention was how uncomfortable LeBron looked sitting in front of Jim Gray. He had the look of a man who knows he’s made a series of bad decisions, but committed to following through and is gritting his teeth to get it over. It reminded me of the fact that he’s only 25, and people have been telling him for probably the last 13 years of his life that he’s the best and greatest thing to walk the earth. It sure seems like it took last night, and the surrounding backlash by the media, for LeBron to realize that he is fallible after all. 

The weirdest thing about the whole spectacle is that LeBron’s team undoubtedly orchestrated the entire thing, yet by the end you could tell that LeBron would rather have been anywhere but there. In his long-stated desire to become a global icon, this was the masterstroke of the grand scheme, the coming-out party that would provide the level of hype truly deserved by the best basketball player alive. LeBron was going to make the announcement that he truly only cared about winning, taking less money to go somewhere with the best chance of winning a championship, and he was going to make that announcement in a way that showed his charitable side, with $2.5 million dollars going from the proceeds of the telecast to the Boys and Girls Clubs of America. 

What a colossal fuckup by LeBron’s team! In their scramble to achieve the widest possible level of exposure on the path to global iconhood, they failed to consider the ramifications of their actions. That an hour long tv special was the height of egotism, and no amount of charity that resulted would remove the stink of arrogance that Americans love to hate so very much. That the backlash from jilted teams and fans, especially in Cleveland, would overshadow a simple decision on which job to take. That the sports media is an uncontrollable beast intent only on selling the best story, getting the most clicks, garnering the most eyeballs for its sponsors. 

LeBron seems like a pretty good dude. By all accounts, he’s loyal to friends and family, and he seems to have a genuine passion for entertaining his fans. The vilification in the media right now is hysterically hypocritical, considering the buildup perpetrated by them leading up to this summer. While LeBron bought into his own hype, and focused perhaps a bit too much on the ridiculous goal of iconhood, it’s nothing that any 25 year-old with the world on a string wouldn’t have done in the same position. Because I’m not sure if anyone in the media remembers this, but 25 year-old males are all kinds of arrogance and cocksure douchebaggery wrapped into a simmering vat of insecurities. Hell, if he’d made this decision quietly, and released a press statement with all his reasons neatly laid out for the press, and a gracious thanks to the people of Cleveland, the media would have broken their backs praising him for his work in Cleveland, willingness to take less money to win, and charitable actions. 

My only hope for King James is that the entire experience taught him to consider his actions carefully, and to make sure he justifies this by winning five championships in Miami. 

And finally, to my friends in Cleveland, sorry about this whole charade. Things will turn around someday. Try not to set your river on fire again burning those LeBron jerseys. 

(Credits: Image by miamism)

2010625 SCRAM!

By Blake Townsley

Due to the World Cup, Blake Townsley has taken the day off from his regular duties, but has promised us that he’ll return for next week’s regularly scheduled blog. In his stead, PickV.com is proud to present his replacement for the week, guest blogger SCRAM Bracelet #26349, better known as the Lohan alcohol monitoring bracelet. 

Hey. So I guess I’m supposed to fill in for Blake or something this week, since he’s off watching soccer and drinking beers outside. Man, do I wish I could be there with him. I know what you’re thinking. “Wait, you’re an alcohol monitoring device, are you even allowed to drink alcohol?” I get so tired of that question at parties. That’s just my job alright, it’s not who I am.  I can get out there and rip it up with the best of ‘em. Whiskey shots? Fine. Irish Car Bombs? Bring it on. Just not while I’m working. If anything, six straight months of having to be the responsible one in my relationship du jour just causes me to go off the deep end once I’m off duty.  Believe me, I’d much rather be watching the World Cup with Blake, rooting for my home country, South Korea, to make it to the finals and doing some good, old-fashioned day drinking. Just do me a favor, ok, if South Korea’s already out of the running don’t tell me. I’m Tivoing all the games and saving them up for when Ms. Lohan and I part ways. 

So I’m hoping to be done watching them a few weeks before the next World Cup starts. 
 

I’ve never had a job like this. It’s driving me crazy. This girl is up partying all hours of the day, bending rules to the breaking point, and generally daring the judge to discipline her in a way her parents never could. Don’t get me wrong, at first I was the envy of all the other SCRAM bracelets. I was more than a little excited about it, going to all these Hollywood parties, meeting famous people and sharing a joke about my job. It was gonna be great. Instead, what do I get? A spoiled brat wasting her talent on cocaine and painkillers, , living off the glory of a few Disney movies and one job with Tina Fey, and working mall openings for cash. Johnny Depp won’t talk to us, hell, even Jeremy London just looks at me pityingly when we see him at Lindsay’s dealer’s place. Makes me wish I was #36872, riding around with Tracy Morgan. At least Tracy is funny as all hell. Lindsay just spends all her time erasing tweets from the night before and asking Ali, “Sister, sister, skinny as a wall, who’s the freckliest of us all?” before taking approximately four disco naps a day.

Don’t even get me started on that “false” alarm from a few weeks back when Lindsay was at a party where “someone” “spilled” a drink on me. Everyone with half a gram of tech savvy knows alcohol bracelets don’t go off just because someone spilled a drink on them. My parents programmed me better than that. But did anyone believe me that Lindsay had a drink, then spilled one on me when I did my job? Nope. Not even a little jail stint to teach her not to disrespect the court. What is this world coming to?

I just wish there was some way my programming allowed me to alert the authorities for willful and delusional arrogance. I mean, I’ve tried to make the argument with my software that this poor girl is drunk on her own image, but there’s just no getting around it. Sigh. I guess I’ll have to tough it out until that scotch-swilling guy from the Blue Collar Comedy Tour plows through a school bus of tourists in front of Tom Cruise’s next movie premiere. 
 

Uh oh, wish me luck, Lindsay just woke up again, and apparently it’s time for the dinner of champions, by which I’ll assume she’s going to mix the coke in with Bisquick. If anyone sees #36782, you tell that SOB how lucky he is. Time for me to go underneath the godawful goat boots again. Go South Korea!!!
 

(Credits: Image by azrainman)

When Heidi Montag Beats Lindsay Lohan

By Blake Townsely 

Howdy folks, and welcome back to another edition of the Pickv pop culture corner.  This week at Pickv a theme developed among the bloggers, albeit not necessarily on purpose. In addition to some great advice from Magic and Samantha on how best to behave, Scherry and Damon had some excellent tips on things you should avoid in your dating life. So continuing with the advice-on-behavior theme of the week, I’m here with some more advice for a very specific person, one who’s been in the tabloids a LOT this week, Miss Lindsay Dee Lohan. 

If y’all have been paying attention as closely as I do, it’s been quite the week for our ginger friend. Her dad showed up at her place with the cops in tow threatening a Spearsian conservatorship, which led to a bitchy exchange of commentary on Twitter, and an utter lack of follow through by her famewhoring (and let’s face it, also a bit of regular whoring) dad. Lindsay’s mom, Dina, arrived in LA to make sure her little moneymaking trainwreck attended a court hearing after missing the first two, knowing that a third absence would mean an automatic judgment against Lilo and an end to the halcyon days of that sweet, sweet Disney money. Good news, right? You would guess those are the actions of a responsible mother making sure her offspring behaves in a socially acceptable manner, huh?

Wrong. 

Lindsay and her mom were spotted drinking at an LA club until two in the morning the night before the hearing was supposed to start. I’m guessing Dina didn’t pick up the tab. While some progress was made in that Lilo actually showed up for this one, I’m not exactly impressed since the heavy odds are that she’s going to lose the case even if she shows up for every hearing. Hell, she could go dressed as a nun with Michelle Obama, Oprah and a miraculously-recovered Bret Michaels in tow and I’d still bet against her winning this case, even if the judge was a Democratic book-club member with a fondness for the upbeat message of Unskinny Bop. 

I’m actually hoping Lindsay does lose the case, since I think it’ll be fascinating to see how she’d pay off a civil judgment of any significant size. If the rumors can be believed, Lindsay’s racked up credit card debt in the six figures, which is never a good sign when your last project was a straight-to-TV movie for Lifetime. Appearance fees for her aren’t exactly rolling in since word got around about what a pain in the ass she is to work with. I’m guessing the residuals from Mean Girls and The Parent Trap ain’t what they used to be either. It’s gotta be awkward for Disney and the TV networks to screen those for the public, since it’s impossible to watch one of her movies and not see today’s spoiled Hollywood brat with a Kirstie Alley-sized sense of entitlement and a problem holding her liquor. It just absolutely ruins Herbie Fully Loaded for me every time I pop in the DVD. 

So at this point you might ask, gee Blake, is there any good news for Lindsay on the horizon? Your answer? Of course there is! An actress as talented as Lilo surely won’t go unemployed for long! Her IMDB page looks to have a steady amount of work on it over the past few years! She was on Ugly Betty! And the good news is this, kids. Lindsay did announce a new role this week. She’s gonna play porn star Linda Lovelace in a friend’s indie movie about the making of Deep Throat. 

The bad news is this: I’d bet this week’s paycheck that there is no way this movie ever sees the light of day. Between the lack of studio backing and the fact that Lindsay’s track record for recent projects is less than stellar, I’m guessing this is another publicity stunt designed to convince her creditors to back off for another couple of weeks. 

At this point, I think Lindsay would probably be better off actually doing porn. At least she could command a tremendous sum of money for very little time out of her partying schedule. Hell, a Playboy shoot alone would probably net her somewhere in the high six figures. Somebody’s gotta pay those bills, and there’s no way in hell she’s getting a real acting job until she hits rock bottom and cleans herself up. 

You know what the sad thing is? I’m not really serious about suggesting Lindsay pose naked, but it certainly feels like it’s headed that way doesn’t it? I mean, even Heidi Montag, that brainless, vacuous dolt, has a more credible career at this point. Come on, Lohan! Did you see what I just wrote?! Heidi Montag is beating you in the game of life! Pull yourself together! Prior to your decision that the world exists to serve at your whim, your acting ability garnered the highest praise from Meryl Streep. Meryl Streep thinks that at one point you were in command of the art form of acting! Stop wasting your talent! 

Unfortunately, I don’t think Lindsay has the self-awareness to realize anything is wrong. She was quoted a few years ago as saying that she wants to end up like Marilyn Monroe, an icon who died before her time. It was this sort of idiotic thinking that caused me to use a very high selection on Lindsay in my annual friends-and-family celebrity death pool. At the time I congratulated myself on a savvy pick, but now it just feels dirty, and this is coming from the guy who picked Patrick Swayze with no remorse whatsoever. 

So what’s the takeaway here, loyal readers? Lesson number one, don’t do cocaine. There’s a reason Rick James couldn’t handle it, and if Rick James can’t believe how destructive it is, just shout “Amen!” and move on. Lesson number two, if you happen to run into Lindsay on the street or at a bar, give her a hug from me and tell her it doesn’t have to be like this. Then knock her down, take her cocaine and run for all you’re worth, for you will have awakened the fury of hell and she will chase you to the ends of the block to enact vengeance. If you can get Ali out of there to a shelter of some sort in the process, so much the better.  Lesson number three, don’t mess with me in a celebrity death pool, for I have no conscience whatsoever, and I really like winning stuff. 

Until next week, folks. Have a good one. 

(Credits: Image by Hot Rod Homepage)