God Is Women

By Jackie Summers


‘God gave men two heads, but only enough blood to run one of them at a time.’
~~Robin Williams

The phrase ‘it’s funny because it’s true’ was never more apt than when applied to the words above. More complex than any supercomputer on earth, the number of synaptic connections in the average human brain outnumbers the total number of stars in the universe.  In addition to monitoring all of your autonomic systems, your brain gives the sublime capacity for higher reasoning. ‘What a piece of work is man’ Shakespeare exclaimed under inspiration. ‘How noble in reason, how infinite in faculties, in form and moving, how express and admirable. In action, how like an angel; in apprehension, how like a God!’

Until he gets horny that is. Then all of the blood drains out of his lovely brain and into his lovely cock. It’s a known fact that the hornier men get, the dumber they get, and no man is immune to the sheer stupefying power of sex. A beautiful woman walks by, and the smartest men on earth become imbeciles. Some of the most idiotic things that have ever been said or done in the history of man, are likely the direct or indirect result of a good hard-on.

It’s a complete misnomer, however, to say that  men ‘think with their dicks.’ We may have two heads but only one of them has a brain in it. The rule of thumb is: wherever the flow of blood goes, so goes the decision. In this way, all manner of logic and reason in men are subjugated to the raw power of lust.
But what if it were reversed?

What if men did have brains in their dicks? What if, every time blood went rushing down to a man’s cock, he got smarter, instead of dumber? What would happen if sexual arousal in men actually enhanced the ability to make sound decisions?
It would be the end of life as we know it.

Every man at some point in his life has had an argument between his brain and his dick. In essence, it consists of the following debate:

Brain, arguing for the cons: She’s not over her last boyfriend. She drank enough tequila to embalm a horse. Her apartment smells like raccoon poop. She hasn’t shaved her legs since the paleozoic era. She might be clinically insane. I’ll bet she’s in violation of her parole right now. I liked her friend better anyway. If I sleep with her, there will be no end of recompense.

Dick, arguing for the pros: But she’s HOT.
This is usually where the discussion ends. HOT is the ultimate equalizer.
This is why the blood drains out of a man’s brain when he’s horny; if he can’t drown out all the white noise (common sense) coming from his cerebrum, he’s never going to get laid. It’s the reason why men lose the ability to form rational thoughts or complete sentences in the presence of a woman they are sexually attracted to.

It is also the reason the instant he achieves orgasm and the blood begins to flow back to his brain, his first thought is often ‘oh my god, what the hell was I thinking?’ Now he’s either scrambling to find his shoes as you wonder if you’ll ever hear from him again, or contemplating the end of his bachelorhood, as you snore loudly on his chest. And if he chooses to do the former; if he realizes nanoseconds after climax that it was all a hormone-driven mistake gone horribly wrong, he’s an arrogant, selfish, asshole-douche.
Who could have devised a system so utterly perverse, so diabolical, so… nefarious?
Only a female. Therefore, God must be a woman.

Now I know some people out there are thinking that if God were female, the world would actually be a much better place. However I’m on record as saying ‘bitches is crazy’ (and I don’t mean that in a disrespectful way). If the world is a fucked up place, it’s because we’re made in her image, and clearly she’s off her fucking rocker.

Some (but not all) of the things a cock might say if it could think, are:

God, I love Brazil.

Dude, did you see her incisors?  Are you sure this is a good idea?

Dude, seriously? Condom.

But she poops from there…

This is a whole human being who’s more than the sum of her luscious lady parts, and I need to acknowledge the plethora of emotions that may be a direct result of this encounter, accepting full responsibility for my actions and any ramifications. Otra vez.

All kidding aside, I honestly wish men could think with their dicks. We’d probably make a lot smarter decisions about who we sleep with, and it would cause a lot less heartache in the world.

Should a Woman Ask a Man Out?

By Jackie Summers

Legend has it that Cleopatra introduced herself to Julius Caesar by having herself rolled up into a carpet that was then unfurled at the Roman emperor’s feet. Her bold antics brought the gala affair to a screeching halt; when she arose scantily clothed before this young ruler he was thoroughly unstrung. The most powerful man on earth was instantly smitten.

While technically this might not count as ‘asking a man out,’ it serves to illustrate a point in dramatic fashion: secure, powerful men appreciate audacious women. Power is the greatest aphrodisiac, and the woman who understands how to combine her tenacity without sacrificing her femininity will wrap men around her dainty little fingers.

The dynamic of power will shift many times over the course of a relationship, as gender roles continually redefine themselves in this modern age. Female aggression will absolutely intimidate an unsure man, so use your power judiciously. If a man tends towards timidity, being approached by a woman might make him feel effeminate, thus disqualifying him for anything useful. I’m wont to believe the more secure a man is in himself, the more he will crave an equal, not a subordinate. True alpha males appreciate a woman with (metaphysical) balls.

5 Steps to Dating Like a SuperWoman

By Jackie Summers

You’re intelligent. You’re ambitious. You combine charisma and character, and command respect, all in your four inch stilettos. You can deflect BS off your magic bracelets, leap tall douche-bags in a single bound, and never lose your femininity. You’re a SuperWoman, you’re spectacular, and you’re single.

Okay, maybe that part about the magic bracelets only really exists in the comics. But just because you don’t have super powers doesn’t mean you can’t date like a hero. Here are five steps to help you date like a SuperWoman; mere mortals, please shield your eyes. 

Never Go Shopping When You’re Hungry
If you shop for food when you’re stomach is rumbling, everything in the supermarket looks good. Everything is appetizing when you’re dying of starvation.  If you’re hungry enough, you will eat  junk; things that are entirely devoid of nutritional content. Dating is similar, in that when you’re unhappy with who you are, you’re more likely to date junk, and conduct entire relationships that are devoid of emotional content. We all make better decisions about who to love when we aren’t starved for affection. Liking yourself is the start to being liked by someone, and being happy with who you are is the only way to become part of a happy couple. So before you go love someone else, fill up on love for yourself!

Pick Strawberries
It’s important to live and love with as little fear as possible. Life is short, and often painful.  You can’t predict the future and you can’t change the past. Try not to allow past pain or future uncertainty to keep you from enjoying the present.  Ideal circumstances rarely happen to people, but ideal people can happen to circumstances. Say and do the things that really matter to you today without hesitation, because you never know if you’re going to get another chance.  Your life is now. When strawberries present themselves, pick them.

Recognize Your Teachers
The Universe has a twisted sense of humor. Whatever blessing you ask of it, it will present you with the appropriate tools needed to develop in you the qualities you require to attain that which you seek.  Ask for love and The Universe will laugh, and whisper ‘Are you ready?’, knowing full well that you are not. It will scrape away your preconceptions, strip you down to your bare essence, and then it will point, and laugh.  The Universe wants you to become an individual worthy of it’s greatest gifts, so it will send you teachers. When relationships don’t work out, try to learn the lessons well enough not to repeat your mistakes, and then forget it all just enough to be open to making new mistakes. Remember, the Universe is preparing you to be part of something delicious.

Don’t Settle For Less than You Deserve
You accept only the highest standards for your job, your friends, your home. Why enforce a lower standard for your love life? Not everyone can afford a BMW, and not every man can be with you.  Be reasonable, be realistic, but never underestimate your intrinsic worth. The second you settle for less than you deserve, you deserve what you settled for.

Great Sex Reinforces Love
Great sex is to a relationship as oxygen is to air, in that it is a necessary, but not dominant component. Prolonged exposure to pure oxygen causes brain damage, but deprive the body of oxygen for even a few minutes and you’d die. Similarly, a relationship comprised of nothing but sex is ultimately toxic, but without it, relationships lose their fire and begin to die. Sexual chemistry is a powerful thing, so try to only form those kinds of bonds with someone you genuinely care for. The best sex in the world will isn’t reason enough to become romantically involved with someone who’s not right for you. Remember, it’s not what’s between your legs, it’s what’s between your ears.

World Peace, Part 3

By Jackie Summers

The true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything~~Friedrich Nietzsche

If this is true, women are the ultimate weapon. We shouldn’t be bombing the fuck out of our enemies, we should be fucking the bomb out of them. Strategy dictates the best way to defeat an adversary is to make them a friend; can you think of a better way to accomplish this? Male hyper-aggressive tendencies come from an excess of testosterone, so if you want us to stop fighting, fuck us.

And then make us a sandwich, please.

Let’s do a quick summary. In World Peace part 1, we established that great sex reinforces love. In World Peace part 2, men were admonished to make a woman feel safe and beautiful, and provide constant mental stimulation, to make the bedroom boil. Ladies, today it’s your turn. Contrary to what you’ve been told, showing up naked is insufficient. Put down your Cosmo and pick up your notepads, because today we’re going to address how women can contribute to world peace.

Speak up
 Not long ago, a good female friend confided in me that she was disappointed in her new lover’s sexual performance. When I asked how he responded to her dismay, she confessed she’d said nothing, out of fear of hurting his feelings. I asked her frankly what was more important: protecting his fragile ego, or her sexual satisfaction?

When I was still a teenager, I was fortunate enough to have a lover inform me in no uncertain terms, how utterly pathetic I was in bed. This may have been the greatest act of kindness any woman has ever done for me. I swore a silent oath to myself to become a lover ‘ne plus ultra;’from that day forward, even if I was with a woman only once, I wanted to be a smile on her face when she was old and grey that her grandchildren wouldn’t understand. With my ego utterly destroyed, I was free to learn about myself, and about a woman’s body; I became versed in all manner of ancient Tantric technique. However, the most important lesson she taught me was this: it is the responsibility of the individual to inform (and if necessary, instruct) their partner the in best ways to please them.

How to broach the subject of unsatisfactory sexual performance is a matter of delicacy and diplomacy. When dealing with egos, I highly recommend the ‘Red Ball Maneuver.’ Visualize whatever issues you need to discuss with your partner, and form them into a small, red rubber ball that fits into the palm of your hand. Now, imagine yourself throwing it as hard as you can at his face. The reaction you’re likely to receive is anger, defensiveness, retaliation, and a fractured ego. Now take that same red ball, smile, say ‘here, catch,’ and gently toss it in your partner’s direction. Words tend to be received in the spirit they are given. Compliments are important but, honesty is more important. Men can’t hear what you don’t say.

Cultivate tension
Relationships are a constant cycle of conflict and resolution. As counter-intuitive as this might sound, it’s necessary, as without a level of tension there can be no release. This may be the trickiest aspect a woman can master in her quest to become a masterful lover, as you need to know how to create tension without becoming contentious.

It’s a common fallacy to believe that men want docile women, but nothing could be further from the truth. Here is where the myth that men love bitches is born, in that the woman who challenges you also presents you with the opportunity to assert yourself. Conversely, the mystique of the bad boy; there is something innately seductive about the person who manages to ignore your obvious charms. We want to overcome, and be overcome by, that which resists us.

Unfortunately, too many people of both genders end up in unhealthy situations, mistakenly buying into the misconception that strife equals excitement. It is possible to create healthy cycles of tension based on heightened and prolonged states of arousal. Ladies, by all means be loving, be kind, be compassionate; you’re the softer side of us. But never underestimate the power of discreet, utter inappropriateness. Combine your high sex drive with low inhibitions, and be his fantasy; become his porn. Forever emblazoned in memory is the girlfriend who once, with the sweetness of an angel, asked me if we could forego a night of lovemaking, and asked instead if I could ‘just fuck her, really hard.’

Let a man be a man
Once long ago, men were warriors. We hunted, we provided; in a world where humans lacked claws, fangs or even fur, through sheer force of will we became the dominant species on the planet. Thousands of years of animal instincts remain, despite an absolute dearth of appropriate opportunities to engage them.

Our survival still depends on the ability to channel aggression, but we’ve been pacified, emasculated. We’re asked to be kinder, gentler, softer; in modern society all manner of outright aggression is frowned upon. Add to this long overdue opportunities for gender equality in education and subsequently, occupation. Today’s women are stronger, smarter, and more gainfully employed than any generation in history. Frequently women out-earn their parters, and men are no longer needed as providers.

Speaking in behalf of Alpha Males everywhere, we’re okay with this, honestly. A true Alpha in no way feels threatened by a woman who is his equal or better; in fact it’s quite the opposite. Few things are more arousing than being desired by somebody who doesn’t need you. Power remains the greatest aphrodisiac, and nothing is sexier than a woman who is secure enough in her sensuality, to acquiesce. Today’s powerful woman has the opportunity to privately reclaim the femininity she sheds of necessity in public life, behind closed doors. The boudoir thus becomes the final bastion for bestial behavior.

Let’s be perfectly clear about this: in no way am I endorsing the subjugation of any woman on any level, anywhere, ever. Any man who forces himself upon a woman without her consent has forfeit his right to live. Therein lies the crux: the person with the power to grant or rescind permission is, ultimately, in control. Ladies, you always have final authority sexually. We require your permission, stated or tacit, to be savages. There’s power in surrender, and the woman who can toss her hair back, cast a knowing look over her shoulder, and whisper ‘take me,’ is in for the kind of ravaging suitable from a modern man reclaiming his forsaken right to masculinity.

If we all put that amount of energy into becoming better lovers, would there be any time or reason left for war?

World Peace, Part 1

By Jackie Summers

Some men know that a light touch of the tongue, running from a woman’s toes to her ears, lingering in the softest way possible in various places in between, given often enough and sincerely enough, would add immeasurably to world peace.~~Marianne Williamson

If that’s true, imagine what a great fuck would do.

I (want to) believe in love, and I definitely believe in great fucking. Unfortunately it seems there isn’t nearly enough of either in the world. I have this vision in my mind where men and women from every creed and color are gathered together on a hilltop, like in that commercial from the early seventies, except, instead of teaching the world to sing and buying them a Coke, they pair up, disappear, and go buck their frains out, in perfect harmony…

Before I continue, let me make this clear: I have no desire to contribute to the pool of pick-up artists. If you use sex as a weapon, if you’re trying to rack up numbers as a way of proving your attractiveness to yourself, if you use sex as a substitute for genuine affection, if you’re using sex to boost your ego at the expense of someone else’s feelings, these are not the droids you’re looking for; move along…

That said, if you want to have the kind of spine-tingling, goose bump-raising, electrifying, all is right with the world kind of sex, that makes you skip for no reason, not care if your boss yells at you, or if your car payment is late, there may be something here of interest to you.

I am an advocate for sex, and all things sensual, and intimate. This includes kissing, cuddling, foreplay, making out, making love, screwing, fucking, after-play, and everything in-between. But not just sex; great sex: the kind that curls your toes, makes you clutch the sheets, scream until you’re hoarse, leaves you cramped, dehydrated, thoughtless, breathless, not knowing where you are, who you are, speaking esperanto, throbbing with ache, and with a sex hangover that lasts for days.

Maybe I’m spoiled, but that’s what I’ve come to expect of my sex life, and I deem anything less than that, insufficient.

There are myriad challenges, some not insignificant, which account for this kind of sex being the exception, and not the rule. Not being in a relationship, emotional or sexual incompatibility, the stresses of daily life, time constraints from child rearing; the list is endless, and some of these things aren’t easily overcome. However these are obstacles worth surmounting, for one inarguable reason: great sex reinforces love.

During orgasm, your brain releases the chemicals oxytocin, vasopressin, and other endorphins; naturally occurring opiates which bond a memory to a sensation. They’re the same chemicals released when a mother nurses; it foments trust and strengthens the emotional bond between lovers.

Have no illusions: the best sex in the world will not fix a broken relationship, nor is it reason enough to become romantically involved. Sexual chemistry is a powerful thing, so it’s important to at least try to only form those kinds of bonds with someone you genuinely care for. Great sex is to a relationship as oxygen is to air, in that it is a necessary, but not dominant component. Prolonged exposure to pure oxygen causes brain damage, but deprive the body of oxygen for even a few minutes and you’d expire. Similarly, a relationship comprised of nothing but sex is ultimately toxic, but without it, relationships lose their fire and begin to die.

Screw world peace; is there a more compelling reason to become an amazing lover?