When Heidi Montag Beats Lindsay Lohan

By Blake Townsely 

Howdy folks, and welcome back to another edition of the Pickv pop culture corner.  This week at Pickv a theme developed among the bloggers, albeit not necessarily on purpose. In addition to some great advice from Magic and Samantha on how best to behave, Scherry and Damon had some excellent tips on things you should avoid in your dating life. So continuing with the advice-on-behavior theme of the week, I’m here with some more advice for a very specific person, one who’s been in the tabloids a LOT this week, Miss Lindsay Dee Lohan. 

If y’all have been paying attention as closely as I do, it’s been quite the week for our ginger friend. Her dad showed up at her place with the cops in tow threatening a Spearsian conservatorship, which led to a bitchy exchange of commentary on Twitter, and an utter lack of follow through by her famewhoring (and let’s face it, also a bit of regular whoring) dad. Lindsay’s mom, Dina, arrived in LA to make sure her little moneymaking trainwreck attended a court hearing after missing the first two, knowing that a third absence would mean an automatic judgment against Lilo and an end to the halcyon days of that sweet, sweet Disney money. Good news, right? You would guess those are the actions of a responsible mother making sure her offspring behaves in a socially acceptable manner, huh?

Wrong. 

Lindsay and her mom were spotted drinking at an LA club until two in the morning the night before the hearing was supposed to start. I’m guessing Dina didn’t pick up the tab. While some progress was made in that Lilo actually showed up for this one, I’m not exactly impressed since the heavy odds are that she’s going to lose the case even if she shows up for every hearing. Hell, she could go dressed as a nun with Michelle Obama, Oprah and a miraculously-recovered Bret Michaels in tow and I’d still bet against her winning this case, even if the judge was a Democratic book-club member with a fondness for the upbeat message of Unskinny Bop. 

I’m actually hoping Lindsay does lose the case, since I think it’ll be fascinating to see how she’d pay off a civil judgment of any significant size. If the rumors can be believed, Lindsay’s racked up credit card debt in the six figures, which is never a good sign when your last project was a straight-to-TV movie for Lifetime. Appearance fees for her aren’t exactly rolling in since word got around about what a pain in the ass she is to work with. I’m guessing the residuals from Mean Girls and The Parent Trap ain’t what they used to be either. It’s gotta be awkward for Disney and the TV networks to screen those for the public, since it’s impossible to watch one of her movies and not see today’s spoiled Hollywood brat with a Kirstie Alley-sized sense of entitlement and a problem holding her liquor. It just absolutely ruins Herbie Fully Loaded for me every time I pop in the DVD. 

So at this point you might ask, gee Blake, is there any good news for Lindsay on the horizon? Your answer? Of course there is! An actress as talented as Lilo surely won’t go unemployed for long! Her IMDB page looks to have a steady amount of work on it over the past few years! She was on Ugly Betty! And the good news is this, kids. Lindsay did announce a new role this week. She’s gonna play porn star Linda Lovelace in a friend’s indie movie about the making of Deep Throat. 

The bad news is this: I’d bet this week’s paycheck that there is no way this movie ever sees the light of day. Between the lack of studio backing and the fact that Lindsay’s track record for recent projects is less than stellar, I’m guessing this is another publicity stunt designed to convince her creditors to back off for another couple of weeks. 

At this point, I think Lindsay would probably be better off actually doing porn. At least she could command a tremendous sum of money for very little time out of her partying schedule. Hell, a Playboy shoot alone would probably net her somewhere in the high six figures. Somebody’s gotta pay those bills, and there’s no way in hell she’s getting a real acting job until she hits rock bottom and cleans herself up. 

You know what the sad thing is? I’m not really serious about suggesting Lindsay pose naked, but it certainly feels like it’s headed that way doesn’t it? I mean, even Heidi Montag, that brainless, vacuous dolt, has a more credible career at this point. Come on, Lohan! Did you see what I just wrote?! Heidi Montag is beating you in the game of life! Pull yourself together! Prior to your decision that the world exists to serve at your whim, your acting ability garnered the highest praise from Meryl Streep. Meryl Streep thinks that at one point you were in command of the art form of acting! Stop wasting your talent! 

Unfortunately, I don’t think Lindsay has the self-awareness to realize anything is wrong. She was quoted a few years ago as saying that she wants to end up like Marilyn Monroe, an icon who died before her time. It was this sort of idiotic thinking that caused me to use a very high selection on Lindsay in my annual friends-and-family celebrity death pool. At the time I congratulated myself on a savvy pick, but now it just feels dirty, and this is coming from the guy who picked Patrick Swayze with no remorse whatsoever. 

So what’s the takeaway here, loyal readers? Lesson number one, don’t do cocaine. There’s a reason Rick James couldn’t handle it, and if Rick James can’t believe how destructive it is, just shout “Amen!” and move on. Lesson number two, if you happen to run into Lindsay on the street or at a bar, give her a hug from me and tell her it doesn’t have to be like this. Then knock her down, take her cocaine and run for all you’re worth, for you will have awakened the fury of hell and she will chase you to the ends of the block to enact vengeance. If you can get Ali out of there to a shelter of some sort in the process, so much the better.  Lesson number three, don’t mess with me in a celebrity death pool, for I have no conscience whatsoever, and I really like winning stuff. 

Until next week, folks. Have a good one. 

(Credits: Image by Hot Rod Homepage)

Pal + Kate Plus Eight = Bad Ideas

By Blake Townsley

Howdy, folks. Welcome back to the humble Friday installment of the Pickv bloggers’ corner. As you may recall from last week, my mission here at Pickv is to scour the tabloids, internet and otherwise, to find the pop culture nuggets that make for an interesting discussion. What you choose to do with those nuggets is up to you. I promise I won’t judge.  

Today, I was all set up to discuss the pop culture phenomenon of Glee. I’ll admit that I’ve been hooked on it since Fox premiered the pilot last spring as a teaser for the full season. It’s even caused me to break my very strict rules about never, ever watching a musical. When I got home last night and hopped on the internet, however, I saw an article that made me cackle with glee for a different reason. The article? The latest from Kate Gosselin’s camp, regarding her plans for achieving A-list status in Hollywood. I guess that review of Jane Lynch paying tribute to Madonna’s Vogue video will have to wait until next week. For now, I can’t wait to dig into the hubristic train wreck of Team Gosselin.  

Setting aside a moment for full disclosure, I’ve never seen one minute of Kate Gosselin’s show about her and the kids and the chain-smoking husband-douche. I don’t watch Dancing With The Stars. My only real contact with the Gosselin family has been through those most reliable of sources, Internet celebrity gossip websites. While those are far from unimpeachable, firsthand founts of information, I feel like I’ve been reading long enough to get as good a grasp on her life as any other random blogger. Which is to say, none whatsoever. Let’s proceed with the judgment! 

For those of you that didn’t see it, one of Kate’s “pals” was quoted over at Popeater spouting the following: “Kate is serious about going Hollywood and thinks dating a celebrity is a great idea. When Kate sees how Tom Cruise changed Katie Holmes life, it became clear that she needed to do the same. Obviously, she knows she’s not yet ready to date a George Clooney, but she thinks she would be the perfect partner for a Jeff Goldblum or someone like David Hasselhoff.” 

After I stopped laughing, two things became immediately clear. First, Kate’s “pal” the publicist is either the logical heir to Steven Wright’s killer deadpan style of humor, or a community college dropout with delusions of grandeur. Second, Kate Gosselin just got a whole lot more interesting, if only for the tragedy that lies down this path.  

How many things are wrong with that three-sentence paragraph? I will agree that dating a celebrity is a great idea. What’s not to like about it? I’m sure it’s a rush to associate with someone that everyone knows, and potentially likes. It’s the equivalent of dating the head cheerleader or varsity quarterback in high school. It automatically makes you cooler by association, unless I totally misinterpreted the plot of She’s All That. And I understand that Mrs. Gosselin certainly has acquired a taste for easy money after her reality show. If someone wanted to pay me for doing pretty much nothing all day, I’d get used to it in a hurry as well. It’s the same reason you’re not supposed to feed bears in Yellowstone. It makes them lazy and unable or unwilling to find their own food.  

We haven’t even gotten to the part about which celebrities Kate is ready to date. Obviously she’s not ready for a Clooney, so she should probably start at the bottom of the celebrity food chain, and work her way up like a minor league ballplayer. I can only imagine how bad Jon Gosselin must be as a husband if The Hoff seems like an upgrade. All I can see is that video The Hoff’s daughter put on YouTube of him on the floor, drunkenly eating a cheeseburger with no shirt on. There’s only one possible conclusion: Jon Gosselin must be the spawn of the devil.  

Obviously, once Kate’s proved that she can handle a German heartthrob with alcohol issues, it’s only a matter of time before she convinces Intern George that she is what’s been missing from his fairy-tale existence of winning Oscars and sleeping with beautiful Italian women and Las Vegas cocktail waitresses, who as we all know are the American equivalent of beautiful Italian women.  

Where was I? Oh, right, YOU LEAVE JEFF GOLDBLUM OUT OF THIS, KATE GOSSELIN! THAT MAN IS A NATIONAL TREASURE! 

Whoops, the powers that be here are telling me it’s time to wrap up. So here goes… 

I’m sure it’s not easy to raise eight kids with an absentee father, and I don’t begrudge Kate Gosselin the chance to provide the best possible life for those poor kids. The therapy bills alone are going to run into the hundreds of thousands of dollars before high school graduation hits.  

So, good for you, Kate, for pursuing the American dream for your kids, if that’s really the reason you’re doing this. I hope it is, because otherwise this whole thing smacks of self-serving egotism, and misguided and amateurish attempts to get famous. If you’re gonna date someone, do it because you like them, and they really love all eight of your kids, and it’s the right thing to do for your family. At the very least, fire your publicist, because she’s pissing off Jeff Goldblum. Don’t make him send Sally Struthers over to your house to smack your nannies around.  

“Won’t anyone think of the children!?!”

(Credits: Image by Grant Neufeld)