365/24/7 Halloween

By Samantha Scholfield

Halloween is my favorite holiday, as it is for a lot of people. Besides the spooky factor, the candy and the ubiquitous availability of pumpkin lattes, it’s a night (or day, or weekend) that gives us all a pass to be anyone we want. We can show off our cleverness with a costume that makes everyone around us think “Why didn’t I think of that?” (Double Rainbow, anyone?) and we have full freedom to insert “Slutty” in front of almost any costume, wear as little as possible and get away with it, because it’s not only expected — it’s welcomed and applauded.

Why don’t we do this more often? 

This freedom feels fantastic, and I think the vast majority of us would agree that that’s why Halloween rocks. But why should we only get to take a hit of it one or two nights a year (like this year, yeah!)? This post serves as a call to happiness to encourage us to have costume parties year-round; to remember that being ourselves (whether that self channels Slutty Red-Riding Hood, Donatello the TMNT or The Situation) is something we should focus on, nurture and fully enjoy; and to live in a constant state of non-judgment — is there a non-judgier night than Halloween? 

Yours in preserving the trick or treat spirit, S 

(Image by greyloch)

Perceptions and Reality Checks

By Samantha Scholfield

I went to my ten-year high school reunion this last weekend, and had a great time - a fantastic time. I also never expected to write that sentence and mean it. High school had its golden moments, but for the most part, I would wake up everyday praying to a God I don’t believe in to make it go faster so that I could graduate and get to college, where life would be perfect. :-) Ha! My ten-year reunion was not a subject that inspired me to create screenplays of what it would be like; in fact, I rarely thought about it. But I’m really glad I went. It rocked. And as it turns out, I wasn’t the only one who prayed for time to go by more quickly between 14 and 18. The most interesting part of the weekend was a conversation I had with a girl I admired then, admired from afar on Facebook in recent years and, after actually catching up in person, very much admire her and the life she’s made now.

She was (and still is) one of the kindest, most likable, great people I’ve ever met, and I never heard anyone say a bad thing about her, ever — which was huge at our rather gossipy school. Everyone loved her — the cool kids, the cooler kids, the jocks, the nerds and everyone in between. And this last weekend, she told me that high school was lonely for her, that she didn’t feel like she had close friends, that she’d always admired me and that she’d always thought I was so popular and cool - as in, cooler than her. This was the exact opposite of how I perceived myself. WTF? We had a good laugh — mostly in relief that those years are behind us and somewhat because it’s so stupid how much time we spent lamenting how we thought we were perceived then, when what we thought was obviously not even close to how others saw us. I find it very interesting how our personal perceptions of ourselves were (are?) so vastly different than how others perceived us.

Clearly, and thank God, we’ve all grown up since then and have a much better handle on who we are. However, going to my high school reunion made me think that it’s worth examining (on a regular basis) our perceptions of ourselves and how we want to be perceived, and making sure that those two match. Sure, we never have complete control over how we’re perceived — everyone else is viewing us through their own filters, made up of experiences they’ve had, what intimidates them, what scares them, and what they like or don’t like. But if we set out to outwardly advertise our personalities (and us) with our actions, how we talk, our choice in appearance (clothes, accessories, make-up, jewelry, hair), we can get a long way towards making sure our outside personas match who we are inside (at least as much as work dress codes and public nudity laws allow us). If we don’t take care to be ourselves and take pride in how we’re being perceived, the chances of us being mis-understood are much higher, and when we don’t express ourselves and hide behind what we think others will want to see, we’re doing everyone a disservice. It’s way better to rock it and be ourselves.

Then, if we don’t get along with someone (i.e. in a dating situation, to tie it back to PickV.com), it’s not because we’re hiding our true selves and they can tell — it’s real; likewise if we really click with someone. In high school, I definitely didn’t match my inside me to my outside me for fear of looking dorky or by being judged. A part of this is a function of my being an immature teenager, a part of it is not knowing fully who I was then, and a big part was wanting to be liked and wanting to “fit in”, whatever that means. My fingers are crossed that another ten years show me that I’m not currently pulling any of the same hiding acts and that I’m now successfully matching my outside and inside me, because that’s what I try to do. But who knows? I thought I had it figured out then too. :-) Yours in reality checks on memory lane, S

(Image by gchorus)

Flying Solo Wins

By Samantha Scholfield

Think about the last time you fell into one of those random but awesome conversations with someone: maybe it was at the coffee shop, the bookstore, at the farmer’s market or at happy hour. Chances are good that both you and the random-conversation-someone were both cruising solo (or at least were temporarily separated from your respective groups.) 

This is because it’s waaaaaaaaay easier to talk to people when they’re not surrounded by a huge group of their fifteen closest friends (or even just plus one or two). And while your new crush hanging in a large group is not an insurmountable challenge, it’s a hell of lot easier to engineer a “random” conversation with them when they’re separated or are by themselves. Conversation itself is a lot less intimidating when it’s one on one, versus trying to engage two or three or ten other people at the same time, and most of us are far more comfortable with random conversation with attractive people we don’t know when there’s just one of them. 

So, in the interest of making it easier for those who may want to talk to you, consider flying solo the next time you want to be out and about. Or, if that seems totally crazy, separate yourself from the peeps for a while the next time you’re out with them and give the 98% of the population who shudders at the thought of approaching a large group a chance to talk to you. Friends rock for lots of reasons, but can unfortunately act as a giant deflector shield when there’s someone cute who wants to talk to you. 

Coffee shops, bookstores, farmer’s markets, happy hours, concerts, festivals — all are great places to meet cool people without deviating from your normal going-out patterns. And snagging another microbrew, latte or giving in to your truly epic need to continue the search for the perfect kumquat are all great excuses to be on your own for a bit (and make yourself available to awesome conversation with attractive people you don’t know yet). 

Yours in random awesomeness, S
(Image by: John Althouse Cohen)

Why Coffee Shops Rock

By Samantha Scholfield



I have a theory: Coffee shops may be the new bars, in terms of finding your next date. My job requires me to write for several hours a day, and so coffee shops are my office. There are lots of others who also call my office their office, both during the daylight hours and at night. My favorite coffee shop has several community tables, and conversation abounds when we get bored (which happens quite frequently). Because we’re all usually by ourselves, it’s ridiculously easy to start (or join in) a conversation with those in the vicinity, also clicking away at their variously branded laptops. Even on those days when I’m occupying my own table, there are always people within two or three feet of me at other tables, so it’s an equally talkative situation.

The conversations are random, and usually quite entertaining. Today, for example, I got into a conversation about the merits of pedicures with two guys, one of whom swore by the weekly pedicure as the most relaxing two hours he spends every week and was trying to convince his (doubtful) friend to jump on the bandwagon. I want to know where he’s getting a two-hour pedicure, and also am now very curious about what percentage of the male population has their feet groomed on a semi-regular basis. Entertaining, interesting and random = awesome.  

Everyone is friendly, and because coffee shops are not (yet) labeled as meat markets where we actively troll for dates, people are open to conversation and usually quite happy to talk. Friendly atmospheres are conducive to making connections more than sexy atmospheres, because there’s no pressure — after all, we’re not immediately judging one another by how hot we find the other person, but rather by what they say and how we interact. This is so much easier, comfortable and less intense than trying to talk to people in bars. There’s no need for elaborate pick-up techniques in coffee shops either — complimenting someone on their choice of witty t-shirt is more than enough to start a fun conversation. Win. 

While I’m on the subject, I do have one minor question to throw out into the universe about the ambient temperatures of coffee shops across the world: I know that some coffee places don’t enjoy us freelancers hogging their tables all day (and I try to be sensitive to the vibe of a place before I settle in for a few hours), but is it really necessary to keep the interior temperature at an icy 60-65 F? My hands are turning blue as I write this… 

Yours in rice milk chai lattes, the occasional americano and witty conversation, S

(Image by: Ballistik Coffee Boy)

Anniversary Determination

By Samantha Scholfield

For the coupled up who aren’t married, what event marks the beginning of our relationships (and the date of which determines our anniversaries)? Is it the first date? The first sexual encounter? The DTR talk ? The first “I love you” day? 

If you were friends or knew each other for a period of time before you actually started dating, do you count your anniversary as the day you met, especially if sparks flew and you knew you liked that person, even if circumstances prevented you from making a move? Is it the day you first hooked up? The first official romantic, non-friend date? The day you admit your feelings for each other? 
In my informal conversations with people, it appears that the most common way the anniversary date is determined is to retroactively use the date of the first romantic date, after the DTR has occurred. This makes sense: if you were to use the first date as the anniversary marker prior to any DTRing, the chances of totally freaking out your date by celebrating your “anniversary” of your “relationship” with them are pretty high. After all, I think most would agree that anniversary (in a romantic situation), implies that both parties are fully aware of what’s being celebrated — when it’s one-sided, it’s obsession or stalking. 

Another benefit of using the first date (retroactively) as the determination of the anniversary, assuming the DTR happens about three weeks to a month into dating, is that you automatically get to add a month or so to your coupledom. This gives you street cred with other couples and at parties, since the question of “How long have you guys been together” is always one of the first things asked, is one of those questions we use to measure each other up when we’re getting to know one another and the answer to which lets the questioning party assume volumes about you: how solid are you as a couple, how well do you know each other, how serious it is and, how likely it is to last. 

In the beginning of a relationship, each month together marks an exciting milestone and an accomplishment, since so many things fizzle after just a short time. Recognizing each month you still like each other and want to be together is a big deal and is cause for celebration, whatever event you choose to mark the beginning.
Yours in anniversarating, S
Credits: Image by istolethetv

Friends First

By Samantha Scholfield

When trying to figure out if those you meet online, in person and at Jimmy’s rager of a party last weekend are long-term relationship compatible, one question that I think gets overlooked in the “Definitely” vs. “Not sure” debate is whether or not you would be friends with this person if you took away the sexual component of your relationship. 

Do they make you laugh? Do they get you? Do you have a good time with them? Are you comfortable around them?Can you talk to them?Do they have your back?

Don’t get me wrong: sexual chemistry is extremely important in a relationship and is something deserving of major consideration when determining compatibility and, if things go well, exclusivity. But having someone to hang with that you dig as a person as well as wanting to rip their clothes off? That’s awesome. 

When in the dating game, we’re often faced with so many different packages of personality, looks, likes/dislikes, sense of humor, dreams/goals and hobbies, that it becomes overwhelming. It’s such a challenge to sort through and figure out who, if any, of the people we’re currently dating, hoping to date or looking for are right for us. As a result, we look to sexual chemistry to guide us because it’s easy. You KNOW when you think someone is attractive. It doesn’t require deep, introspective thought. However, great chemistry can be overwhelming, hard to see through and blind us to anything but sex. Plus, finding the perfect person(s) for each one of us is a challenge, and it’s incredibly enriching and a helpful to date people who are not entirely right for us so that we can better figure out what is right for us. We learn a tremendous amount about ourselves and how to navigate a relationship each time we have one. 

However, letting our decisions about relationships be guided solely by great chemistry can make it difficult to see the whole picture and, more often than not, if we chase only the sex and don’t think about whether or not the person in question is fun to hang with when we’re not having sex with them, making it long-term can be challenging. My point is that when we’re over being involved in things that don’t work out and we’re serious about searching for our next big relationship, it’s worth it to take a minute and figure out whether or not this person has potential as both a friend and as someone who frequently pushes our sexual chemistry buttons.

Yours in BFFs (with benefits), S

Credits: Image by  pedrosimoes7

Want to meet someone? Leave the house.

By Samantha Scholfield


A total “duh” answer, I know, so bear with me: this is one that crops up again and again even among those of us who swear we go out ALL THE TIME. Lethargy, feeling disenchanted with the whole dating scene and being just plain tired of trying, all sit securely in the “there’s no point, so why try” cheering camp. Before we know it, we’ve spent both weekend days inside our apartments — reorganizing the closet and/or spice rack, playing video games or just chilling in our own company. And the days? The days are when it happens. People are more low-key and relaxed during the day and so it’s much easier to have those awesome, random conversations that can turn into more than just “that fun guy/girl I met in the coffee shop/bookstore/park.”

Don’t get me wrong — there’s nothing wrong with a little self-imposed hibernation now and again. If anything, it’s needed and healthy to take a staycation from our lives and put aside some time to do that weird stuff that occupies our time when we live alone (or at least have our own room in a shared house). However, staying in ALL the time is bad news for our love lives because unfortunately, rarely is the pizza or sushi delivery guy or gal as sexy (and willing and available) as we dream them to be (or as they always seem to be in porn). 

The excuses for not leaving the house are plentiful and easy to come by, largely because it’s must easier to chill at home in our Snuggies or Slankets than it is to get dressed, find a reason to leave and go out. The next time they try to seduce you into yet another Project Runway marathon, give these excuses the finger. Weekend morning coffee drinker? Bring a book or your favorite newspaper and go sit at your local coffee shop for a couple hours on Sunday. Bored? Peruse a bookstore or check out that new art gallery down the street. It’s not necessary to have a point every time we go out — we can simply be out for the sake of being out, and for the sake of interacting with other breathing, warm-bodied (hopefully attractive and cool) fellow humans. And if the peeps aren’t available? Go without them. Being out by yourself is a fantastic way to make new friends, and who knows — you might just meet your next date.

Yours in avoiding spice-rack organization, S

Credits: Images by  Infrogmation

Happy and Tenacious Wins the Race

By Samantha Scholfield

(I’ve been running (okay… jogging) a lot recently, so please bear with my dating-as-a-footrace metaphor.)

Dating, if your goal is to find a long-term, awesome-for-you someone, isn’t a sprint-until-you-hurl situation. It’s way more a jog/run/walk ultra-marathon that will take a lot out of you in effort, but for which the end result is worth it. (Not that sprints don’t have pay-offs as well, but puking is never pleasant. I’m trying to make the point that slow and steady is a better way to go.) 

There will be ups and downs. Yes, it’s going to suck at times (enough that you’ll want to hurl), and yeah, sometimes it’s going to make you feel like you just did the world’s best feel-good upper. The point is that it’s a long haul, and if we sprinted through it, we’d get burned out. Burning out and giving up are not ideal places to be when you’ve got an end-goal of finding your perfect-for-you person in mind. So, while we’re on the emotional roller-coaster of crushing, dating, crying and crushing, finding our happy place to finish the race is completely necessary. Even when you’re in the throes of rejection-induced depression (or it-didn’t-work-out-AGAIN rage, or why-do-I-keep-dating-the-same-type ennui), try to remember that you can crawl out of the current hole and keep going. 

And for the record, I live in the camp of taking a break to get your head back where you want it and find your good attitude is not the same as giving up. Sometimes these breaks last a day, sometimes six months. Go at your own pace, give yourself time to catch your breath (there’s that running metaphor again), and keep the end-goal in mind. 
Having a good attitude is key not only because it makes the whole process more fun, but also because it helps you let the bad stuff roll over you. If you’re already in a place where you think that you’ll NEVER MEET ANYONE and an internet date turns out to be a disaster, it’s going to suck way more than if you subscribe to the “I know I’ll meet my perfect-for-me person someday” mantra. Plus, bad attitudes can breed desperation, cynicism and depression — none of which rock for finding and cultivating a healthy, happy relationship. The next time things suck, remember to banish the bad attitude and focus on the good — and maybe the finish line will be closer than we think. 

Yours in streaming a dating, jogging Pollyanna, S
Credits: Image by 666isMONEY ☮ ♥ & ☠

Fallon No Longer This Creepy

By Blake Townsley

Howdy folks, and welcome to the weekend. The more astute among my readers will notice that the heat of summer has brought a more irregular schedule to these musings on pop culture, which is a shame because there’s a lot to talk about lately. Let’s dive in, shall we?

I was going to start off with a discussion of Lindsay Lohan’s jail stint, or Mel Gibson’s audio recordings, but it seems like a shame to talk about the mentally infirm in such a public forum. Besides, I’m sure you guys are enjoying the break from all things Lohan as much as I am. If only it could last the full 90 days. No, we’ll be discussing her again soon enough when the post-jail interviews start, and the downward spiral resumes its march towards full frontal gratuitous nudity that’s too sad to enjoy. It’s gonna be Anna Nicole Smith all over again, minus the kids and the bajillion year-old oil geezer. So what’s next on the list if we’re trying to keep it light and Lohan-free? One of the topics I was gonna discuss was which Disney child star is going to end up in jail next, but that skirts the Lohan prohibition, and the answer  is too obvious for an entire posting.
Joe Jonas, I’m looking at you.

Nah, that stuff’s too negative. I’ve been in an irrationally exuberant mood this week, so let’s talk about something positive for once.  How about a discussion on how good the Jimmy Fallon Show has been for the last two or three months? That’s got a nice story to it, bunch of super talented people working on the show, Fallon himself and the incomparable Roots as the house band. But based on the reaction this subject has gotten among my friends when I bring it up, not many of you are watching any more, if you ever were.  I will admit the show started out on a discordant note, with Jimmy visibly nervous for much of the first two months. The nerves showed up during the monologue, but were most evident in Jimmy’s interviewing style, which could easily be described as “below-average first date conversation.” There was no rhythm to the interviews, with each person trying so hard to impress the other one that conversations didn’t have flow well at all. Jimmy frequently booked guests that he knew from his days at Saturday Night Live, which too easily provided the “Remember that time at SNL?” crutch. A conversational tic that quickly grew tiresome night after night.

So what’s changed? Well, in the case of The Roots, not a damn thing, which is perfectly fine since they were one of the only things making the show watchable for the first year. Watching the show is like getting a free mini-Roots concert every night, with the added bonus of seeing how funny the guys in the band really are. From appearances in sketches, to conversations during the monologue, and especially the choices of walkout music for guests, the Roots have proven to be an invaluable addition to the overall comedic tone of the show. And this is before discussing how awesome it is to see them back up random musical guests (Christopher Cross? Rashida Jones and Jimmy Fallon singing “Holiday Road”??!) and have ridiculously talented artists sit in with them like Kaki King, Taj Mahal, Ice Cube, Talib Kweli et al.

But seriously, what’s changed? OK, I’ll get to the point. The most important thing that’s changed is simply the amount of repetitions that Fallon has gotten. It may seem like the ability to host a late show is either there, or not. I mean, come on, Jay Leno’s had the most successful show for fifteen years now; it can’t be that hard, right? And Conan’s show after Leno was pure genius, right? Fallon just didn’t appear to have the chops a year ago, and most people wrote him off as not up to the task.

But what most people used to tuning into Conan’s Late Show and receiving the funny don’t remember the early years of Conan’s show. The story should sound familiar, a young guy handpicked by Lorne Michaels to host, but he really struggled finding his tone out of the gates, and people tuned it out, claiming it was hard to watch and unfunny.  Fast forward almost twenty years and Conan is a maligned genius, right? But even Conan’s transition to the Tonight Show proves the point I’m trying to make, which is that doing these shows well takes time and repetitions. Even if you tune in sporadically, you can tell when a host and supporting cast have been doing a show for a while. There’s a confidence and comfort in the presentation, and a flow and history to the jokes. Loyal viewers are rewarded with sharing the inside jokes that become themes almost accidentally, and new viewers can appreciate the enjoyment the hosts find in placing those jokes appropriately into new situations. The best example of the time it takes was the transition Conan made to the Tonight Show. Seemed like a no-brainer right? Conan would just be in LA and doing the same show as always, despite the somewhat seedy Leno hanging around at the behest of a rudderless and ball-less NBC. But the difference is that the same jokes don’t fly at 10:30 as ones that will at 11:30. Conan was visibly nervous too when the Tonight Show gig started. Hell, he didn’t even live up to his own standard until the surreal and macabre weeks leading up to the show’s demise, and then the gallows humor regarding his own situation were as funny as he’s ever been.
 
So after that lengthy digression, what was the point you were trying to make again, Blake? Simply this, that hosting one of these shows is hard work, and like anything, takes practice. Fallon is growing more and more comfortable in his own skin, and his natural I’d-totally-love-to-grab-a-beer-with-him charm is winning out over his occasional lapses into the SNL storytelling foibles of his past. At least until Conan comes back on, it’s probably the best all-around late night show you’re likely to see. So come on, kids, give Jimmy a chance. Or else I promise you nothing but weekly analyses of Lindsay Lohan’s mental state, and pictures of Mel Gibson.

Until next time, kids, have a great weekend.

Credits: Image by mystical_XVI

Facebook Relationship Status = Dating Free Zone

By Samantha Scholfield

Changing one’s Facebook relationship status seems like an innocent enough thing to do…Until you realize that you’re announcing that status of your sex life to not only your 500 closest friends (some of whom you haven’t spoken to since 4th grade), but also various judging family members, voyeuristic co-workers and “It’s complicated” exes. When you’re announcing a new relationship, the comments are congratulatory and not overly annoying. When you end something? That’s when it gets bad. That little broken heart shows up on every single of your Facebook friends’ newsfeeds and you’re forced to deal with all manner of well-meaning (but very quickly overwhelming) pity-party comments and questions over your relationship fail. 

But besides the public scrutiny, there is a whole other giant pile of issues surrounding the emotionally-charged mine-field of the relationship status checkboxes.

Changing it requires an often-awkward conversation where questions arise like “Are we changing them simultaneously so one of us doesn’t look like a loser in denial?”, “Are we ready to change them? If not, what does that mean?”. And the most awkward of all: What if the person you’re dating changes it without discussing it with you, and suddenly you’re listed as “in a relationship” with someone you aren’t in a relationship with? Ack. 

After you’ve broken up, when is the optimal time to change it? Doing it too soon is kind of a slap in the face to your ex and waiting to change it looks like a serious case of denial. It’s also usually a raw, emotional time and it often takes a few days to make sure the important people in your life know that you’re no longer in a relationship. Announcing the news on FB can be like dropping a drama-filled pity-party bomb - something you so don’t want to deal with when you’re in the post-break-up turmoil zone. Double ack. 

The solution — provided by a brilliant friend who has dealt with all manner of Facebook relationship status shenanigans — is to make your Facebook profile a dating-free zone. Relationship status is left blank, no matter the situation, thereby avoiding all of the above problems. When asked by relationship-status-updating suitors, my friend simply states that it’s her policy to keep her private life private and she never has and never will update her relationship status. As a diplomatic but save-yourself-some-major-hassle policies go, this one is as solid as they come. Here’s to bringing back a little privacy for the sake of our sanity. 
Yours in Facebook TMI, S
Credits: Image by mikebaird