Flying Solo Wins

By Samantha Scholfield

Think about the last time you fell into one of those random but awesome conversations with someone: maybe it was at the coffee shop, the bookstore, at the farmer’s market or at happy hour. Chances are good that both you and the random-conversation-someone were both cruising solo (or at least were temporarily separated from your respective groups.) 

This is because it’s waaaaaaaaay easier to talk to people when they’re not surrounded by a huge group of their fifteen closest friends (or even just plus one or two). And while your new crush hanging in a large group is not an insurmountable challenge, it’s a hell of lot easier to engineer a “random” conversation with them when they’re separated or are by themselves. Conversation itself is a lot less intimidating when it’s one on one, versus trying to engage two or three or ten other people at the same time, and most of us are far more comfortable with random conversation with attractive people we don’t know when there’s just one of them. 

So, in the interest of making it easier for those who may want to talk to you, consider flying solo the next time you want to be out and about. Or, if that seems totally crazy, separate yourself from the peeps for a while the next time you’re out with them and give the 98% of the population who shudders at the thought of approaching a large group a chance to talk to you. Friends rock for lots of reasons, but can unfortunately act as a giant deflector shield when there’s someone cute who wants to talk to you. 

Coffee shops, bookstores, farmer’s markets, happy hours, concerts, festivals — all are great places to meet cool people without deviating from your normal going-out patterns. And snagging another microbrew, latte or giving in to your truly epic need to continue the search for the perfect kumquat are all great excuses to be on your own for a bit (and make yourself available to awesome conversation with attractive people you don’t know yet). 

Yours in random awesomeness, S
(Image by: John Althouse Cohen)

Online Date Fail: How to Handle It

By Samantha Scholfield

Sometimes — even when the chemistry online is so hot any other outcome but life-long bliss seems impossible — when you meet said online profile in person, it can be a there’s-no-way-this-would-ever-work-out disaster. This isn’t anyone’s fault. The Internet can only give us so many hints about whether or not we’ll be compatible, attracted to and/or have chemistry with someone when we meet them in the physical realm. Beyond the obvious problems that can potentially arise from dishonest or exaggerated profiles, there are things you get in person — how you feel around them, smell, body language, how attractive they are to you in three dimensions — that you can’t get through IMing, emailing and profile stalking. 

So what happens when you encounter an online-arranged date fail? When things don’t stack up in person and you know it, how long do you hang in there before bailing, and what do you say? 

I think most would agree that hanging in there for 20-30 minutes is both long enough to show respect for the person who took time out of their day to come meet with you and also to give any potential bonding a fair shot, but isn’t so long that either you or they will feel like they wasted their whole afternoon on a date that went nowhere. The 20-30 minute goal is a perfect argument for why first online dates should be drinks or coffee based, and not meal based. Unless you’re grabbing hot dogs from a street stand, a meal will almost definitely commit you to more than 30 minutes. Anyone who has gone on a few bad online dates knows the wisdom of not roping yourself into an extended period of time with someone you may actively have anti-chemistry with. 

As far as how to politely and respectfully bail after you’ve burned your tongue on your coffee in an effort to speed the 20 minutes along, I’m from the camp of just being honest — not brutally so, but honest enough that your feelings are clear about any potential future dates with this person. Something like the following works well: “Hey, thanks for the drink” (if they bought) or “Thanks for meeting me for coffee”, followed by, “It was really nice to meet you, but I’m just not feeling a connection, romantically. I wish you the best.” You’re being straight up about not feeling anything for them, which isn’t arguable — you feel how you feel. Being honest during the date and letting them know where you stand is a more stand-up way to deal with non-connection than to not return emails or phone calls in a few days when they ask you for a second installment. 

Sometimes, the anti-romantic chemistry is present on both sides, and being honest will result in a friendship — one you may not have fostered if one or both of you turned to the unanswered emails and phone calls route. If one of you feels it and the other doesn’t, being honest may feel a bit brutal, but will ultimately be respected more than the alternative. I know I’d much rather hear it straight than be ignored. 

Yours in stand-up honesty, S

(Credits: Image by www.charlietphoto.com)

Tired of Bars? 5 Daytime Alternatives that Rock

 By  Samantha Scholfield

When most of us think about “going out” with the intention of meeting our next night-o-fun/date/fling/relationship, we think of a bar. Sometimes the bar takes the form of a club with a giant dance floor and the vodka red-bull flows like water, sometimes it takes the form of a dart board/draft beer/pool table low-key meat market, and sometimes it’s populated by bitchy but smokin’ hot bartenders, $30 drinks and perfect tens wearing Christian Louboutins. No matter the packaging, a bar is still a bar — and they’re great places to go out at night and have a good time. 

If however, you’re growing weary of the nightly race, I’m here today to rock the boat and suggest a few daytime activities that give the nighttime pick-up fest a run for it’s phone-number-gathering money. 
 

1. Outdoor Food Festivals. I attended the Seattle International Cheese Festival this last weekend, and can personally attest to the glory of the mixture of delicious free-to-cheap food, attractive people, sunshine and fun. Garlic, artichokes, strawberries, mushrooms, pumpkin, and a few dozen others all have festivals devoted to their deliciousness. Check it out. 
2. Outdoor Festival Concerts. Although these technically also extend into night territory, the vibe is low-key and everyone is there to have a good time. Plus, the music rocks and you can bond over your love for obscure side-stage bands.
   
3. Farmer’s Markets. A staple weekend activity, farmer’s markets are fantastic places to spend a morning/early afternoon. Fresh-from-the-farm food, street vendors and often times a few random craft-makers bring attractive people together en masse. Plus, you can meet your next date by asking how to properly identify a ripe kumquat. 
   
4. Beer Festivals. Lots of beer for very little money, lots of people looking to have a good time and lots of debauchery. What’s not to love? 
   
5. Marathons, triathlons and adventure races. If you’re not participating, you can always hang out as a volunteer at the finish line and vicariously enjoy the thrill of finishing, and the super-friendly vibe. I did a race last year that had a beer garden at the finish line. What better way to spend a Sunday? Speaking of, I hope all you SFers enjoyed Bay-to-Breakers yesterday. I heard it was awesome. 

Daytime outdoor activities are more low-key than their nighttime counterparts, and so have a more relaxed atmosphere. For the would-be date-seeker, this means that people are much more friendly and open to conversations with strangers. It doesn’t take much to start a conversation, and even less effort to stay in one and have a good time. You’ll be able to enjoy each other’s company in a less sexed-up environment, which leads to more “getting to know you” interaction versus the charged and potentially less information-gathering “you’re hot” interaction.  

Yours in afternoon delight, S

(Credits: Image by tyreseus)

Want More Sex? Don’t Sleep With Every Body

By Damon Brown

Single people, we have a problem. The assumption is that every nice, attractive person we meet must, eventually, come to our bed, or any built relationship becomes an empty fallacy, a farce, based on the ecstasy that might have been.

Let me put aside the journalism degrees for a second. Real talk: You shouldn’t fuck every attractive person you feel a connection with. 

Why? It’s not for chivalry, as you can be a chivalrous Lothario or Lolita, nor for physical protection, as two (or more) smart adults can have an open relationship and practice safer sex. No, it’s more selfish than that. 

Simply put, you need quality coconspirators in creating a great single life. Create a great single life and your sex quotient will go up dramatically. 

True story: Most of my friends are women. Some I went out with at one time, more I met through my travels and many are interested in the same nerdy, pop cultural goodness that rules my world. As Samantha pointed out earlier this week, “the friend zone” can be a gift and a curse (See: Escaping the “friend” zone). For me, it’s usually been a gift when I consciously created different types of relationships in my life.  

There are three big benefits to having beautiful, platonic relationships with beautiful people. We can call them the 3 Ps: 

• perspective
•  patience
•  persistence

First, perspective. Here’s where the gay, lesbian, bisexual and trysexual among us have the advantage, as you personally know the equipment! For every one else, I’ve heard countless brothers say that the coochie has magical properties, just as women have confided to me that they can’t think rationally post-dick. Hang out will cool, attractive friends - that you AREN’T trying to bed - and you realize that even [insert fantasy sex slave here] is human, flawed and interesting. You’ll be less intimidated the next time you meet someone you really want to sleep with - increasing your chance of actually getting some.

Second, patience. A friend of mine once told me that she would be slower to jump in the sack if she had some way of getting regular human contact, like a hug, a platonic kiss or a hand to hold. Friends can provide you with human touch. It will help you not push too hard on a first date, set appropriate boundaries for lovers and be less desperate to get naked.

Finally, persistence. If you’re like most of us, meet someone new and attractive and your first instinct is to figure out their stats: What’s their orientation, are they available and are you their type. Next time you read from this script, just stop for a moment (go to the bathroom if you have to!) and think about what function this person could have in your life aside from being your love toy. You may suddenly see all these dimensions to this person that go beyond sex. However, chances are high that THEY are checking YOU out, too, which is why it requires discipline and patience to steer the relationship how you like. You may both be surprised where your relationship ends up.

The misconception is that thoughtful romance takes the fun out of hooking up. It is actually the opposite, as you know that you’re not hooking up with someone just because they own a warm body. And when you find someone you REALLY want, the message will be loud and clear.

(Credits: Image by egor.gribanov)

Escaping the “Friend” Zone

By Samantha Scholfield

Falling for a friend is complicated, especially when that friend is a friend who frequently reminds us what a great friend we are to them, and how glad they are that we’re friends. It’s common knowledge that things could get very awkward and even end in social catastrophe if the attempt to nudge that friend from “friends” to “more-than-friends” goes badly — and nobody wants to deal with that. But what if this person is perfect for you and to not pursue them would be doing yourself and your love life an incredible disservice? Here’s how to broach the subject of romance without destroying your friendship in the process. 

Your friend will fall into one of three categories:  

1. They secretly already dig you. 
2. They’ve noticed you, but don’t want to ruin your friendship if it goes badly so they’ve abstained from making a move.
3. They don’t like you “like that”. 

The first two situations are great, and you have a big chance of a successful transfer from “friends” to “more-than-friends.” The last situation is probably not redeemable, but at least you’ll know where they stand and you can move on. The most important thing to remember is to be mature, no matter the outcome. This will save your friendship from imploding under the pressure of awkwardness if things don’t go as planned. 

Your first order of business (no matter which category you think your friend might be in) is to introduce one-on-one time with your friend, to show them how cool it is to spend time alone with you and get them to think of you as more than just “that guy/girl in my group of friends”. The next time your crew hangs out, ask your friend to take a walk and talk through something with them: something that’s bugging you at work, what to get your brother/sister for their birthday, etc. Asking for advice is a perfect cover for getting them alone. Then, segue the conversation into something funny that’s happened to you recently so that you can laugh together. This builds rapport. Don’t flirt with your friend just yet — you want to give them time to adjust their view of you to more-than-a-friend without being forced to make a decision right away.  

Once you’ve had a couple of one-on-one sessions with them, bump things up a notch and invite your friend to something where you “need a date”, and would they “do you a favor by being your plus one?” It’s a lot less intense and beneficial to your slow movement from friend to more by putting them in the position of doing you a favor versus the obvious, I’m-really-into-you dinner invitation. Introduce a little flirting, but don’t go over the top. Your point is to show them how good a time you have together.  

Two or three days after your “date”, email or call them and combine “I had a great time” with “will you be my plus one again so I can try this new bar/coffee-shop/breakfast place I heard about?” You’re still keeping it low-key so that if they don’t like you back, the pressure is reduced. By this point, unless they’re completely clueless, they’ll have figured out your intentions. If they fall into the first two categories (already like you or noticed you but didn’t want to ruin it), they’ll be pleased and will probably flirt like crazy to let you know they’re into your advances. Goal attained. 

If, however, they’re not into you, at this point they’ll let you know they’re not interested. If you respond in a mature manner, there won’t be any negative fall-out and they’ll respect that you aren’t making it awkward and weird for your friendship: “I admit I think you’re great and really hot, but I respect your feelings so consider it dropped. I’d love to keep hanging out as friends — you’re really fun.” Now you know where they stand and you can move on to your hot co-worker.  

Yours in avoiding awkwardness, S

(Credits: Image by: bredgur)