It’s Not About The Frequency

By Damon Brown

We’re often pressured to fuck. I don’t mean in a violent, forced way, but in a subtle, societal way. There are the racy print ads and porn star TV shows and whatever, whatever, but the real pressure comes from others and, more importantly, from ourselves. 

Like we touched on a few weeks ago with the Vanilla Is Still Sexy post vanilla-is-still-tasty, your sex life should be reflective of you – of your cycles, your ideas and your body. 

Let’s say you haven’t been laid in a minute, perhaps because you’ve been focusing on other things, perhaps because you just haven’t been horny. The common belief is that there is a) something wrong with you, b) you’re doing something wrong or c) you’re in some form of grieving. The problem with this train of thought is that it assumes that your life isn’t good enough. The assumption is that your life needs to be “fixed”. The question really is, if you are happy with the amount of times you have sex, which may be twice a day or once a year, why do things need to change? 

Your very best sex life is the one that makes you and, ideally, your partner or partners happy. Masturbating once a day is a sex life. Making love with the hubby once a week is a sex life. Making out without intercourse can be a sex life, too. Define your own sex life. 

(Credits: Image by eyesogreen)

Other People Can Screw Up Your Sex Life

By Damon Brown

Our Samantha Scholfield did a great post on Facebook Flirting 101

facebook-flirting-101 and it made me think of the reasons why we do some things publicly and other things privately. Why post on someone’s wall or respond to his or her Twitter versus sending them a private email or text? It depends on what we want from the person – and what we want from other people, too. Not being real about this can screw up your sex life, or lack there of.

Think about the many reasons why we would have sex with someone: 

*You are attracted to them

*They are nice to you

*You don’t want the night to end

It’s cool because it actually has to do with your potential partner. Now think about the many reasons why we would have sex that has nothing to do with our lover: 

*You want to get over an ex

*You want someone else to get jealous

*You want bragging rights tomorrow, so you have to seal the deal

Most of us have a story about angry sex or awkward sex or whatever, but even in those situations sex is best when all people involved are honest about why they are doing it. The problems happen when it eventually comes out why you were doing it in the first place – and the person getting hurt the most could be you.

(Credits: Image by: Ted Percival)

Want More Sex? Don’t Sleep With Every Body

By Damon Brown

Single people, we have a problem. The assumption is that every nice, attractive person we meet must, eventually, come to our bed, or any built relationship becomes an empty fallacy, a farce, based on the ecstasy that might have been.

Let me put aside the journalism degrees for a second. Real talk: You shouldn’t fuck every attractive person you feel a connection with. 

Why? It’s not for chivalry, as you can be a chivalrous Lothario or Lolita, nor for physical protection, as two (or more) smart adults can have an open relationship and practice safer sex. No, it’s more selfish than that. 

Simply put, you need quality coconspirators in creating a great single life. Create a great single life and your sex quotient will go up dramatically. 

True story: Most of my friends are women. Some I went out with at one time, more I met through my travels and many are interested in the same nerdy, pop cultural goodness that rules my world. As Samantha pointed out earlier this week, “the friend zone” can be a gift and a curse (See: Escaping the “friend” zone). For me, it’s usually been a gift when I consciously created different types of relationships in my life.  

There are three big benefits to having beautiful, platonic relationships with beautiful people. We can call them the 3 Ps: 

• perspective
•  patience
•  persistence

First, perspective. Here’s where the gay, lesbian, bisexual and trysexual among us have the advantage, as you personally know the equipment! For every one else, I’ve heard countless brothers say that the coochie has magical properties, just as women have confided to me that they can’t think rationally post-dick. Hang out will cool, attractive friends - that you AREN’T trying to bed - and you realize that even [insert fantasy sex slave here] is human, flawed and interesting. You’ll be less intimidated the next time you meet someone you really want to sleep with - increasing your chance of actually getting some.

Second, patience. A friend of mine once told me that she would be slower to jump in the sack if she had some way of getting regular human contact, like a hug, a platonic kiss or a hand to hold. Friends can provide you with human touch. It will help you not push too hard on a first date, set appropriate boundaries for lovers and be less desperate to get naked.

Finally, persistence. If you’re like most of us, meet someone new and attractive and your first instinct is to figure out their stats: What’s their orientation, are they available and are you their type. Next time you read from this script, just stop for a moment (go to the bathroom if you have to!) and think about what function this person could have in your life aside from being your love toy. You may suddenly see all these dimensions to this person that go beyond sex. However, chances are high that THEY are checking YOU out, too, which is why it requires discipline and patience to steer the relationship how you like. You may both be surprised where your relationship ends up.

The misconception is that thoughtful romance takes the fun out of hooking up. It is actually the opposite, as you know that you’re not hooking up with someone just because they own a warm body. And when you find someone you REALLY want, the message will be loud and clear.

(Credits: Image by egor.gribanov)