Pickv Blog

365/24/7 Halloween

Mon, 01 Nov 2010 17:38:17 -0400

By Samantha Scholfield

Halloween is my favorite holiday, as it is for a lot of people. Besides the spooky factor, the candy and the ubiquitous availability of pumpkin lattes, it’s a night (or day, or weekend) that gives us all a pass to be anyone we want. We can show off our cleverness with a costume that makes everyone around us think “Why didn’t I think of that?” (Double Rainbow, anyone?) and we have full freedom to insert “Slutty” in front of almost any costume, wear as little as possible and get away with it, because it’s not only expected — it’s welcomed and applauded.

Why don’t we do this more often?

This freedom feels fantastic, and I think the vast majority of us would agree that that’s why Halloween rocks. But why should we only get to take a hit of it one or two nights a year (like this year, yeah!)? This post serves as a call to happiness to encourage us to have costume parties year-round; to remember that being ourselves (whether that self channels Slutty Red-Riding Hood, Donatello the TMNT or The Situation) is something we should focus on, nurture and fully enjoy; and to live in a constant state of non-judgment — is there a non-judgier night than Halloween?

Yours in preserving the trick or treat spirit, S

(Image by greyloch)

Perceptions and Reality Checks

Tue, 26 Oct 2010 14:15:47 -0400

By Samantha Scholfield

I went to my ten-year high school reunion this last weekend, and had a great time - a fantastic time. I also never expected to write that sentence and mean it. High school had its golden moments, but for the most part, I would wake up everyday praying to a God I don’t believe in to make it go faster so that I could graduate and get to college, where life would be perfect. :-) Ha! My ten-year reunion was not a subject that inspired me to create screenplays of what it would be like; in fact, I rarely thought about it. But I’m really glad I went. It rocked. And as it turns out, I wasn’t the only one who prayed for time to go by more quickly between 14 and 18. The most interesting part of the weekend was a conversation I had with a girl I admired then, admired from afar on Facebook in recent years and, after actually catching up in person, very much admire her and the life she’s made now.

She was (and still is) one of the kindest, most likable, great people I’ve ever met, and I never heard anyone say a bad thing about her, ever — which was huge at our rather gossipy school. Everyone loved her — the cool kids, the cooler kids, the jocks, the nerds and everyone in between. And this last weekend, she told me that high school was lonely for her, that she didn’t feel like she had close friends, that she’d always admired me and that she’d always thought I was so popular and cool - as in, cooler than her. This was the exact opposite of how I perceived myself. WTF? We had a good laugh — mostly in relief that those years are behind us and somewhat because it’s so stupid how much time we spent lamenting how we thought we were perceived then, when what we thought was obviously not even close to how others saw us. I find it very interesting how our personal perceptions of ourselves were (are?) so vastly different than how others perceived us.

Clearly, and thank God, we’ve all grown up since then and have a much better handle on who we are. However, going to my high school reunion made me think that it’s worth examining (on a regular basis) our perceptions of ourselves and how we want to be perceived, and making sure that those two match. Sure, we never have complete control over how we’re perceived — everyone else is viewing us through their own filters, made up of experiences they’ve had, what intimidates them, what scares them, and what they like or don’t like. But if we set out to outwardly advertise our personalities (and us) with our actions, how we talk, our choice in appearance (clothes, accessories, make-up, jewelry, hair), we can get a long way towards making sure our outside personas match who we are inside (at least as much as work dress codes and public nudity laws allow us). If we don’t take care to be ourselves and take pride in how we’re being perceived, the chances of us being mis-understood are much higher, and when we don’t express ourselves and hide behind what we think others will want to see, we’re doing everyone a disservice. It’s way better to rock it and be ourselves.

Then, if we don’t get along with someone (i.e. in a dating situation, to tie it back to PickV.com), it’s not because we’re hiding our true selves and they can tell — it’s real; likewise if we really click with someone. In high school, I definitely didn’t match my inside me to my outside me for fear of looking dorky or by being judged. A part of this is a function of my being an immature teenager, a part of it is not knowing fully who I was then, and a big part was wanting to be liked and wanting to “fit in”, whatever that means. My fingers are crossed that another ten years show me that I’m not currently pulling any of the same hiding acts and that I’m now successfully matching my outside and inside me, because that’s what I try to do. But who knows? I thought I had it figured out then too. :-) Yours in reality checks on memory lane, S

(Image by gchorus)

Flying Solo Wins

Sun, 10 Oct 2010 15:20:04 -0400

By Samantha Scholfield

Think about the last time you fell into one of those random but awesome conversations with someone: maybe it was at the coffee shop, the bookstore, at the farmer’s market or at happy hour. Chances are good that both you and the random-conversation-someone were both cruising solo (or at least were temporarily separated from your respective groups.)

This is because it’s waaaaaaaaay easier to talk to people when they’re not surrounded by a huge group of their fifteen closest friends (or even just plus one or two). And while your new crush hanging in a large group is not an insurmountable challenge, it’s a hell of lot easier to engineer a “random” conversation with them when they’re separated or are by themselves. Conversation itself is a lot less intimidating when it’s one on one, versus trying to engage two or three or ten other people at the same time, and most of us are far more comfortable with random conversation with attractive people we don’t know when there’s just one of them.

So, in the interest of making it easier for those who may want to talk to you, consider flying solo the next time you want to be out and about. Or, if that seems totally crazy, separate yourself from the peeps for a while the next time you’re out with them and give the 98% of the population who shudders at the thought of approaching a large group a chance to talk to you. Friends rock for lots of reasons, but can unfortunately act as a giant deflector shield when there’s someone cute who wants to talk to you.

Coffee shops, bookstores, farmer’s markets, happy hours, concerts, festivals — all are great places to meet cool people without deviating from your normal going-out patterns. And snagging another microbrew, latte or giving in to your truly epic need to continue the search for the perfect kumquat are all great excuses to be on your own for a bit (and make yourself available to awesome conversation with attractive people you don’t know yet).

Yours in random awesomeness, S
(Image by: John Althouse Cohen)

Why Coffee Shops Rock

Sun, 03 Oct 2010 23:04:03 -0400

By Samantha Scholfield

I have a theory: Coffee shops may be the new bars, in terms of finding your next date. My job requires me to write for several hours a day, and so coffee shops are my office. There are lots of others who also call my office their office, both during the daylight hours and at night. My favorite coffee shop has several community tables, and conversation abounds when we get bored (which happens quite frequently). Because we’re all usually by ourselves, it’s ridiculously easy to start (or join in) a conversation with those in the vicinity, also clicking away at their variously branded laptops. Even on those days when I’m occupying my own table, there are always people within two or three feet of me at other tables, so it’s an equally talkative situation.

The conversations are random, and usually quite entertaining. Today, for example, I got into a conversation about the merits of pedicures with two guys, one of whom swore by the weekly pedicure as the most relaxing two hours he spends every week and was trying to convince his (doubtful) friend to jump on the bandwagon. I want to know where he’s getting a two-hour pedicure, and also am now very curious about what percentage of the male population has their feet groomed on a semi-regular basis. Entertaining, interesting and random = awesome.

Everyone is friendly, and because coffee shops are not (yet) labeled as meat markets where we actively troll for dates, people are open to conversation and usually quite happy to talk. Friendly atmospheres are conducive to making connections more than sexy atmospheres, because there’s no pressure — after all, we’re not immediately judging one another by how hot we find the other person, but rather by what they say and how we interact. This is so much easier, comfortable and less intense than trying to talk to people in bars. There’s no need for elaborate pick-up techniques in coffee shops either — complimenting someone on their choice of witty t-shirt is more than enough to start a fun conversation. Win.

While I’m on the subject, I do have one minor question to throw out into the universe about the ambient temperatures of coffee shops across the world: I know that some coffee places don’t enjoy us freelancers hogging their tables all day (and I try to be sensitive to the vibe of a place before I settle in for a few hours), but is it really necessary to keep the interior temperature at an icy 60-65 F? My hands are turning blue as I write this…

Yours in rice milk chai lattes, the occasional americano and witty conversation, S

(Image by: Ballistik Coffee Boy)

Anniversary Determination

Mon, 20 Sep 2010 21:18:31 -0400

By Samantha Scholfield

For the coupled up who aren’t married, what event marks the beginning of our relationships (and the date of which determines our anniversaries)? Is it the first date? The first sexual encounter? The DTR talk ? The first “I love you” day?

If you were friends or knew each other for a period of time before you actually started dating, do you count your anniversary as the day you met, especially if sparks flew and you knew you liked that person, even if circumstances prevented you from making a move? Is it the day you first hooked up? The first official romantic, non-friend date? The day you admit your feelings for each other?
In my informal conversations with people, it appears that the most common way the anniversary date is determined is to retroactively use the date of the first romantic date, after the DTR has occurred. This makes sense: if you were to use the first date as the anniversary marker prior to any DTRing, the chances of totally freaking out your date by celebrating your “anniversary” of your “relationship” with them are pretty high. After all, I think most would agree that anniversary (in a romantic situation), implies that both parties are fully aware of what’s being celebrated — when it’s one-sided, it’s obsession or stalking.

Another benefit of using the first date (retroactively) as the determination of the anniversary, assuming the DTR happens about three weeks to a month into dating, is that you automatically get to add a month or so to your coupledom. This gives you street cred with other couples and at parties, since the question of “How long have you guys been together” is always one of the first things asked, is one of those questions we use to measure each other up when we’re getting to know one another and the answer to which lets the questioning party assume volumes about you: how solid are you as a couple, how well do you know each other, how serious it is and, how likely it is to last.

In the beginning of a relationship, each month together marks an exciting milestone and an accomplishment, since so many things fizzle after just a short time. Recognizing each month you still like each other and want to be together is a big deal and is cause for celebration, whatever event you choose to mark the beginning.
Yours in anniversarating, S
Credits: Image by istolethetv

Friends First

Mon, 06 Sep 2010 14:17:10 -0400

By Samantha Scholfield

When trying to figure out if those you meet online, in person and at Jimmy’s rager of a party last weekend are long-term relationship compatible, one question that I think gets overlooked in the “Definitely” vs. “Not sure” debate is whether or not you would be friends with this person if you took away the sexual component of your relationship.

Do they make you laugh? Do they get you? Do you have a good time with them? Are you comfortable around them?Can you talk to them?Do they have your back?

Don’t get me wrong: sexual chemistry is extremely important in a relationship and is something deserving of major consideration when determining compatibility and, if things go well, exclusivity. But having someone to hang with that you dig as a person as well as wanting to rip their clothes off? That’s awesome.

When in the dating game, we’re often faced with so many different packages of personality, looks, likes/dislikes, sense of humor, dreams/goals and hobbies, that it becomes overwhelming. It’s such a challenge to sort through and figure out who, if any, of the people we’re currently dating, hoping to date or looking for are right for us. As a result, we look to sexual chemistry to guide us because it’s easy. You KNOW when you think someone is attractive. It doesn’t require deep, introspective thought. However, great chemistry can be overwhelming, hard to see through and blind us to anything but sex. Plus, finding the perfect person(s) for each one of us is a challenge, and it’s incredibly enriching and a helpful to date people who are not entirely right for us so that we can better figure out what is right for us. We learn a tremendous amount about ourselves and how to navigate a relationship each time we have one.

However, letting our decisions about relationships be guided solely by great chemistry can make it difficult to see the whole picture and, more often than not, if we chase only the sex and don’t think about whether or not the person in question is fun to hang with when we’re not having sex with them, making it long-term can be challenging. My point is that when we’re over being involved in things that don’t work out and we’re serious about searching for our next big relationship, it’s worth it to take a minute and figure out whether or not this person has potential as both a friend and as someone who frequently pushes our sexual chemistry buttons.

Yours in BFFs (with benefits), S

Credits: Image by pedrosimoes7

Want to meet someone? Leave the house.

Mon, 30 Aug 2010 13:38:03 -0400

By Samantha Scholfield

A total “duh” answer, I know, so bear with me: this is one that crops up again and again even among those of us who swear we go out ALL THE TIME. Lethargy, feeling disenchanted with the whole dating scene and being just plain tired of trying, all sit securely in the “there’s no point, so why try” cheering camp. Before we know it, we’ve spent both weekend days inside our apartments — reorganizing the closet and/or spice rack, playing video games or just chilling in our own company. And the days? The days are when it happens. People are more low-key and relaxed during the day and so it’s much easier to have those awesome, random conversations that can turn into more than just “that fun guy/girl I met in the coffee shop/bookstore/park.”

Don’t get me wrong — there’s nothing wrong with a little self-imposed hibernation now and again. If anything, it’s needed and healthy to take a staycation from our lives and put aside some time to do that weird stuff that occupies our time when we live alone (or at least have our own room in a shared house). However, staying in ALL the time is bad news for our love lives because unfortunately, rarely is the pizza or sushi delivery guy or gal as sexy (and willing and available) as we dream them to be (or as they always seem to be in porn).

The excuses for not leaving the house are plentiful and easy to come by, largely because it’s must easier to chill at home in our Snuggies or Slankets than it is to get dressed, find a reason to leave and go out. The next time they try to seduce you into yet another Project Runway marathon, give these excuses the finger. Weekend morning coffee drinker? Bring a book or your favorite newspaper and go sit at your local coffee shop for a couple hours on Sunday. Bored? Peruse a bookstore or check out that new art gallery down the street. It’s not necessary to have a point every time we go out — we can simply be out for the sake of being out, and for the sake of interacting with other breathing, warm-bodied (hopefully attractive and cool) fellow humans. And if the peeps aren’t available? Go without them. Being out by yourself is a fantastic way to make new friends, and who knows — you might just meet your next date.

Yours in avoiding spice-rack organization, S

Credits: Images by Infrogmation

Happy and Tenacious Wins the Race

Thu, 05 Aug 2010 15:42:00 -0400

By Samantha Scholfield

(I’ve been running (okay… jogging) a lot recently, so please bear with my dating-as-a-footrace metaphor.)

Dating, if your goal is to find a long-term, awesome-for-you someone, isn’t a sprint-until-you-hurl situation. It’s way more a jog/run/walk ultra-marathon that will take a lot out of you in effort, but for which the end result is worth it. (Not that sprints don’t have pay-offs as well, but puking is never pleasant. I’m trying to make the point that slow and steady is a better way to go.)

There will be ups and downs. Yes, it’s going to suck at times (enough that you’ll want to hurl), and yeah, sometimes it’s going to make you feel like you just did the world’s best feel-good upper. The point is that it’s a long haul, and if we sprinted through it, we’d get burned out. Burning out and giving up are not ideal places to be when you’ve got an end-goal of finding your perfect-for-you person in mind. So, while we’re on the emotional roller-coaster of crushing, dating, crying and crushing, finding our happy place to finish the race is completely necessary. Even when you’re in the throes of rejection-induced depression (or it-didn’t-work-out-AGAIN rage, or why-do-I-keep-dating-the-same-type ennui), try to remember that you can crawl out of the current hole and keep going.

And for the record, I live in the camp of taking a break to get your head back where you want it and find your good attitude is not the same as giving up. Sometimes these breaks last a day, sometimes six months. Go at your own pace, give yourself time to catch your breath (there’s that running metaphor again), and keep the end-goal in mind.
Having a good attitude is key not only because it makes the whole process more fun, but also because it helps you let the bad stuff roll over you. If you’re already in a place where you think that you’ll NEVER MEET ANYONE and an internet date turns out to be a disaster, it’s going to suck way more than if you subscribe to the “I know I’ll meet my perfect-for-me person someday” mantra. Plus, bad attitudes can breed desperation, cynicism and depression — none of which rock for finding and cultivating a healthy, happy relationship. The next time things suck, remember to banish the bad attitude and focus on the good — and maybe the finish line will be closer than we think.

Yours in streaming a dating, jogging Pollyanna, S
Credits: Image by 666isMONEY ☮ ♥ & ☠

Fallon No Longer This Creepy

Fri, 30 Jul 2010 18:27:50 -0400

By Blake Townsley

Howdy folks, and welcome to the weekend. The more astute among my readers will notice that the heat of summer has brought a more irregular schedule to these musings on pop culture, which is a shame because there’s a lot to talk about lately. Let’s dive in, shall we?

I was going to start off with a discussion of Lindsay Lohan’s jail stint, or Mel Gibson’s audio recordings, but it seems like a shame to talk about the mentally infirm in such a public forum. Besides, I’m sure you guys are enjoying the break from all things Lohan as much as I am. If only it could last the full 90 days. No, we’ll be discussing her again soon enough when the post-jail interviews start, and the downward spiral resumes its march towards full frontal gratuitous nudity that’s too sad to enjoy. It’s gonna be Anna Nicole Smith all over again, minus the kids and the bajillion year-old oil geezer. So what’s next on the list if we’re trying to keep it light and Lohan-free? One of the topics I was gonna discuss was which Disney child star is going to end up in jail next, but that skirts the Lohan prohibition, and the answer is too obvious for an entire posting.
Joe Jonas, I’m looking at you.

Nah, that stuff’s too negative. I’ve been in an irrationally exuberant mood this week, so let’s talk about something positive for once. How about a discussion on how good the Jimmy Fallon Show has been for the last two or three months? That’s got a nice story to it, bunch of super talented people working on the show, Fallon himself and the incomparable Roots as the house band. But based on the reaction this subject has gotten among my friends when I bring it up, not many of you are watching any more, if you ever were. I will admit the show started out on a discordant note, with Jimmy visibly nervous for much of the first two months. The nerves showed up during the monologue, but were most evident in Jimmy’s interviewing style, which could easily be described as “below-average first date conversation.” There was no rhythm to the interviews, with each person trying so hard to impress the other one that conversations didn’t have flow well at all. Jimmy frequently booked guests that he knew from his days at Saturday Night Live, which too easily provided the “Remember that time at SNL?” crutch. A conversational tic that quickly grew tiresome night after night.

So what’s changed? Well, in the case of The Roots, not a damn thing, which is perfectly fine since they were one of the only things making the show watchable for the first year. Watching the show is like getting a free mini-Roots concert every night, with the added bonus of seeing how funny the guys in the band really are. From appearances in sketches, to conversations during the monologue, and especially the choices of walkout music for guests, the Roots have proven to be an invaluable addition to the overall comedic tone of the show. And this is before discussing how awesome it is to see them back up random musical guests (Christopher Cross? Rashida Jones and Jimmy Fallon singing “Holiday Road”??!) and have ridiculously talented artists sit in with them like Kaki King, Taj Mahal, Ice Cube, Talib Kweli et al.

But seriously, what’s changed? OK, I’ll get to the point. The most important thing that’s changed is simply the amount of repetitions that Fallon has gotten. It may seem like the ability to host a late show is either there, or not. I mean, come on, Jay Leno’s had the most successful show for fifteen years now; it can’t be that hard, right? And Conan’s show after Leno was pure genius, right? Fallon just didn’t appear to have the chops a year ago, and most people wrote him off as not up to the task.

But what most people used to tuning into Conan’s Late Show and receiving the funny don’t remember the early years of Conan’s show. The story should sound familiar, a young guy handpicked by Lorne Michaels to host, but he really struggled finding his tone out of the gates, and people tuned it out, claiming it was hard to watch and unfunny. Fast forward almost twenty years and Conan is a maligned genius, right? But even Conan’s transition to the Tonight Show proves the point I’m trying to make, which is that doing these shows well takes time and repetitions. Even if you tune in sporadically, you can tell when a host and supporting cast have been doing a show for a while. There’s a confidence and comfort in the presentation, and a flow and history to the jokes. Loyal viewers are rewarded with sharing the inside jokes that become themes almost accidentally, and new viewers can appreciate the enjoyment the hosts find in placing those jokes appropriately into new situations. The best example of the time it takes was the transition Conan made to the Tonight Show. Seemed like a no-brainer right? Conan would just be in LA and doing the same show as always, despite the somewhat seedy Leno hanging around at the behest of a rudderless and ball-less NBC. But the difference is that the same jokes don’t fly at 10:30 as ones that will at 11:30. Conan was visibly nervous too when the Tonight Show gig started. Hell, he didn’t even live up to his own standard until the surreal and macabre weeks leading up to the show’s demise, and then the gallows humor regarding his own situation were as funny as he’s ever been.

So after that lengthy digression, what was the point you were trying to make again, Blake? Simply this, that hosting one of these shows is hard work, and like anything, takes practice. Fallon is growing more and more comfortable in his own skin, and his natural I’d-totally-love-to-grab-a-beer-with-him charm is winning out over his occasional lapses into the SNL storytelling foibles of his past. At least until Conan comes back on, it’s probably the best all-around late night show you’re likely to see. So come on, kids, give Jimmy a chance. Or else I promise you nothing but weekly analyses of Lindsay Lohan’s mental state, and pictures of Mel Gibson.

Until next time, kids, have a great weekend.

Credits: Image by mystical_XVI

Facebook Relationship Status = Dating Free Zone

Wed, 28 Jul 2010 17:09:10 -0400

By Samantha Scholfield

Changing one’s Facebook relationship status seems like an innocent enough thing to do…Until you realize that you’re announcing that status of your sex life to not only your 500 closest friends (some of whom you haven’t spoken to since 4th grade), but also various judging family members, voyeuristic co-workers and “It’s complicated” exes. When you’re announcing a new relationship, the comments are congratulatory and not overly annoying. When you end something? That’s when it gets bad. That little broken heart shows up on every single of your Facebook friends’ newsfeeds and you’re forced to deal with all manner of well-meaning (but very quickly overwhelming) pity-party comments and questions over your relationship fail.

But besides the public scrutiny, there is a whole other giant pile of issues surrounding the emotionally-charged mine-field of the relationship status checkboxes.

Changing it requires an often-awkward conversation where questions arise like “Are we changing them simultaneously so one of us doesn’t look like a loser in denial?”, “Are we ready to change them? If not, what does that mean?”. And the most awkward of all: What if the person you’re dating changes it without discussing it with you, and suddenly you’re listed as “in a relationship” with someone you aren’t in a relationship with? Ack.

After you’ve broken up, when is the optimal time to change it? Doing it too soon is kind of a slap in the face to your ex and waiting to change it looks like a serious case of denial. It’s also usually a raw, emotional time and it often takes a few days to make sure the important people in your life know that you’re no longer in a relationship. Announcing the news on FB can be like dropping a drama-filled pity-party bomb - something you so don’t want to deal with when you’re in the post-break-up turmoil zone. Double ack.

The solution — provided by a brilliant friend who has dealt with all manner of Facebook relationship status shenanigans — is to make your Facebook profile a dating-free zone. Relationship status is left blank, no matter the situation, thereby avoiding all of the above problems. When asked by relationship-status-updating suitors, my friend simply states that it’s her policy to keep her private life private and she never has and never will update her relationship status. As a diplomatic but save-yourself-some-major-hassle policies go, this one is as solid as they come. Here’s to bringing back a little privacy for the sake of our sanity.
Yours in Facebook TMI, S
Credits: Image by mikebaird

Stoked About Getting Dumped

Mon, 12 Jul 2010 16:24:00 -0400

By Samantha Scholfield

We all fall into one of two categories: the dumpers and the dumpees. There is some overlap, but most of us have a preference when it comes to ending a relationship, fling, or changing the status of “friends with benefits” to “just friends”. The dumpers are the people who dump before they can get dumped, or — more nicely put — they are more proactive and end something when an end is needed.

The dumpees (usually my M.O.) beat the dead horse of a relationship until they get dumped so they don’t have to confront the problem, or in other words, they want to be absolutely sure that the relationship should end so they keep it going for as long as it takes to eliminate all possibility of regret.Yes, I generalize. Obviously there are exceptions and often — as is the case with relationships — extenuating circumstances. Only rarely does breaking something off work out so that both parties walk away happy.

This rare circumstance found a friend of mine recently.

My friend (we’ll call her Betsy), had gone on about ten dates with this guy she had originally scoped out on an online dating site (one far less superior to PickV, so it’s not even worth mentioning), but didn’t hear back from when she sent him an email. Used to the crap-shoot that can be online dating emailing, she let it go and moved on. That weekend, she was at a friend’s house party and much to her surprise, so was this guy. Her friend introduced them, not knowing that they already had a connection, and as soon as their mutual friend left them to talk, the guy said, “I’m so sorry I didn’t email you back. It’s been a crazy week at work, and I haven’t had any time for anything but eating, sleeping and working. I was going to email you back next week, but this is way better. Hi.” Betsy smiled. The guy smiled. A connection was born.

After about four months and ten dates (the first of which Betsy swears was in her top five best dates ever), things fizzled, as they do. Both Betsy and the guy had other online-born connections that they would occasionally go out with, and Betsy and the guy kept having schedule conflicts, which didn’t allow them to bond as quickly as some of the other connections they both had. End result: after a few months, Betsy was feeling like it was time to call it, and try a friendship with the guy instead. She liked him as a person, but the romantic spark hadn’t lasted past the first date.

She was nervous about talking to him, since she didn’t know where he stood or what he was feeling. She is also a fan of being the dumpee, so switching sides and initiating an end was a new situation for her. She finally psyched herself up enough to make the phone call (she decided doing it in person was too intense for their particular situation), and when she got him on the phone, he seemed really happy to hear from her — relieved, almost. Cringing, she started into her pre-prepared talk, but only got as far as “So, I’ve been thinking…” before the connection cut out and she was unable to get him back on the phone. A couple hours later, after trying him twice more to no avail, she received an email from him: “Betsy — I wanted to talk to you about this earlier when you called, but now my phone is dead and after it cut out I couldn’t call you back. I really didn’t want to do this over email (I like you more than that), but I think we should just be friends. I think you’re a great person, but I’m just not feeling a spark. Let me know if you still want to hang. I totally get if you don’t, so no pressure, OK?”

How stoked was Betsy? Very stoked. It’s so… nice when things work out like this and no one gets hurt, right? Here’s to hoping that the next time you find that the spark has fizzled, whichever side you prefer (dumper or dumpee), things work out every time as well as Betsy and her dude.

Yours in pleasant endings, S

(Credits: Image by Made Underground)

God Is Women

Sun, 11 Jul 2010 12:43:00 -0400

By Jackie Summers

‘God gave men two heads, but only enough blood to run one of them at a time.’ ~~Robin Williams

The phrase ‘it’s funny because it’s true’ was never more apt than when applied to the words above. More complex than any supercomputer on earth, the number of synaptic connections in the average human brain outnumbers the total number of stars in the universe. In addition to monitoring all of your autonomic systems, your brain gives the sublime capacity for higher reasoning. ‘What a piece of work is man’ Shakespeare exclaimed under inspiration. ‘How noble in reason, how infinite in faculties, in form and moving, how express and admirable. In action, how like an angel; in apprehension, how like a God!’

Until he gets horny that is. Then all of the blood drains out of his lovely brain and into his lovely cock. It’s a known fact that the hornier men get, the dumber they get, and no man is immune to the sheer stupefying power of sex. A beautiful woman walks by, and the smartest men on earth become imbeciles. Some of the most idiotic things that have ever been said or done in the history of man, are likely the direct or indirect result of a good hard-on.

It’s a complete misnomer, however, to say that men ‘think with their dicks.’ We may have two heads but only one of them has a brain in it. The rule of thumb is: wherever the flow of blood goes, so goes the decision. In this way, all manner of logic and reason in men are subjugated to the raw power of lust.
But what if it were reversed?

What if men did have brains in their dicks? What if, every time blood went rushing down to a man’s cock, he got smarter, instead of dumber? What would happen if sexual arousal in men actually enhanced the ability to make sound decisions?
It would be the end of life as we know it.

Every man at some point in his life has had an argument between his brain and his dick. In essence, it consists of the following debate:

Brain, arguing for the cons: She’s not over her last boyfriend. She drank enough tequila to embalm a horse. Her apartment smells like raccoon poop. She hasn’t shaved her legs since the paleozoic era. She might be clinically insane. I’ll bet she’s in violation of her parole right now. I liked her friend better anyway. If I sleep with her, there will be no end of recompense.

Dick, arguing for the pros: But she’s HOT.
This is usually where the discussion ends. HOT is the ultimate equalizer.
This is why the blood drains out of a man’s brain when he’s horny; if he can’t drown out all the white noise (common sense) coming from his cerebrum, he’s never going to get laid. It’s the reason why men lose the ability to form rational thoughts or complete sentences in the presence of a woman they are sexually attracted to.

It is also the reason the instant he achieves orgasm and the blood begins to flow back to his brain, his first thought is often ‘oh my god, what the hell was I thinking?’ Now he’s either scrambling to find his shoes as you wonder if you’ll ever hear from him again, or contemplating the end of his bachelorhood, as you snore loudly on his chest. And if he chooses to do the former; if he realizes nanoseconds after climax that it was all a hormone-driven mistake gone horribly wrong, he’s an arrogant, selfish, asshole-douche.
Who could have devised a system so utterly perverse, so diabolical, so… nefarious?
Only a female. Therefore, God must be a woman.

Now I know some people out there are thinking that if God were female, the world would actually be a much better place. However I’m on record as saying ‘bitches is crazy’ (and I don’t mean that in a disrespectful way). If the world is a fucked up place, it’s because we’re made in her image, and clearly she’s off her fucking rocker.

Some (but not all) of the things a cock might say if it could think, are:

God, I love Brazil.

Dude, did you see her incisors? Are you sure this is a good idea?

Dude, seriously? Condom.

But she poops from there…

This is a whole human being who’s more than the sum of her luscious lady parts, and I need to acknowledge the plethora of emotions that may be a direct result of this encounter, accepting full responsibility for my actions and any ramifications. Otra vez.

All kidding aside, I honestly wish men could think with their dicks. We’d probably make a lot smarter decisions about who we sleep with, and it would cause a lot less heartache in the world.

Elvis Has left the Building

Fri, 09 Jul 2010 21:57:30 -0400

By Blake Townsley

Howdy folks, and happy Friday. As a few of you may have noticed, the regularly scheduled update from last week was skipped in favor of an early holiday weekend in mosquito heaven. But I’m back, a few pints lighter, and fired up to discuss the monumental week we just had.

First up, the impressive news that Lindsay Lohan is going to jail for violating her probation. I’d guess this is a good thing for Lindsay, normally falling on the side of the argument that jail is enough to cause a person to think about their life choices. I would guess that, except I don’t think Lindsay has enough self-awareness to reflect on any choice she makes except which tweet to delete when she sobers up the next day. She certainly doesn’t seem to think this jail stint is anything but a grave injustice, or as she would probably put it, fucking bullshit. To be fair, she also sees this fucking bullshit as an opportunity to make a million dollars for her first post-jail interview. Gotta keep that prescription med money coming in somehow, I guess.

Ms. Lindsay went so far as to google “torture” on her smartphone, tweeting several quotes from an article by Erik Luna, one of which was Article 5 of the U.N. Universal Declaration of Human Rights: “No one shall be subjected to torture or to cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment.” For once, Lindsay, I totally agree with you. It’s been inhuman and degrading punishment watching the trainwreck that is your life these past two years. I’m sure the UN is relieved you’ll be ceasing your torture of us for the next 90 days.

Finally, after the court’s decision was announced, the obsessive scandal barons over at TMZ got out the magnifiying glasses and found out that Lindsay had written Fuck U on one of her fingernails. When it was postulated that this was directed at the judge in this case, a round of cries went up suggesting that Lindsay would be held in contempt of court. I’ve got news for you, people. If the judge didn’t think that Lindsay’s whole life since her last court date was enough to be held in contempt of court, writing FU half a millimeter high on her fingernail ain’t gonna do it either. Fare thee well, Ms. Lohan. I wish you the best of luck for your jail stay, and hope someone converts you to Islam while you’re in there.

Shifting topics only slightly, some of you may have heard about this LeBron James announcement from last night. ESPN certainly tried to do its best impression of an Orwellian entity, doing everything possible to make sure you knew about it, cared about it, and would watch breathlessly, sitting through every commercial. It reminded me a lot of the social commentary subplot to The Cable Guy, when the nation sat transfixed by the verdict in a murder trial that ultimately had no bearing on anyone’s day-to-day life. After The Decision was over, I had a strong mental image of the closing scenes where Jim Carrey’s death knocked out cable across a wide area, and people realized ultimately the insignificance of the event, and returned to whatever they were doing before. Boy, do I certainly hope that’s true.

While the absurdity revolving around the event reached levels previously only seen in the wildest imaginations of satirists, what grabbed my attention was how uncomfortable LeBron looked sitting in front of Jim Gray. He had the look of a man who knows he’s made a series of bad decisions, but committed to following through and is gritting his teeth to get it over. It reminded me of the fact that he’s only 25, and people have been telling him for probably the last 13 years of his life that he’s the best and greatest thing to walk the earth. It sure seems like it took last night, and the surrounding backlash by the media, for LeBron to realize that he is fallible after all.

The weirdest thing about the whole spectacle is that LeBron’s team undoubtedly orchestrated the entire thing, yet by the end you could tell that LeBron would rather have been anywhere but there. In his long-stated desire to become a global icon, this was the masterstroke of the grand scheme, the coming-out party that would provide the level of hype truly deserved by the best basketball player alive. LeBron was going to make the announcement that he truly only cared about winning, taking less money to go somewhere with the best chance of winning a championship, and he was going to make that announcement in a way that showed his charitable side, with $2.5 million dollars going from the proceeds of the telecast to the Boys and Girls Clubs of America.

What a colossal fuckup by LeBron’s team! In their scramble to achieve the widest possible level of exposure on the path to global iconhood, they failed to consider the ramifications of their actions. That an hour long tv special was the height of egotism, and no amount of charity that resulted would remove the stink of arrogance that Americans love to hate so very much. That the backlash from jilted teams and fans, especially in Cleveland, would overshadow a simple decision on which job to take. That the sports media is an uncontrollable beast intent only on selling the best story, getting the most clicks, garnering the most eyeballs for its sponsors.

LeBron seems like a pretty good dude. By all accounts, he’s loyal to friends and family, and he seems to have a genuine passion for entertaining his fans. The vilification in the media right now is hysterically hypocritical, considering the buildup perpetrated by them leading up to this summer. While LeBron bought into his own hype, and focused perhaps a bit too much on the ridiculous goal of iconhood, it’s nothing that any 25 year-old with the world on a string wouldn’t have done in the same position. Because I’m not sure if anyone in the media remembers this, but 25 year-old males are all kinds of arrogance and cocksure douchebaggery wrapped into a simmering vat of insecurities. Hell, if he’d made this decision quietly, and released a press statement with all his reasons neatly laid out for the press, and a gracious thanks to the people of Cleveland, the media would have broken their backs praising him for his work in Cleveland, willingness to take less money to win, and charitable actions.

My only hope for King James is that the entire experience taught him to consider his actions carefully, and to make sure he justifies this by winning five championships in Miami.

And finally, to my friends in Cleveland, sorry about this whole charade. Things will turn around someday. Try not to set your river on fire again burning those LeBron jerseys.

(Credits: Image by miamism)

Facebook Flirting

Wed, 07 Jul 2010 18:15:00 -0400

By Magic

Even before I start typing I need to apologize because this blog is going to be a long one.

When I started on the path to succeed in the dating world I had no idea what to expect. Truthfully, I had serious doubts if I would ever succeed with women.
Years have passed and now I rarely think of that time. But once in a while I’m reminded of where I started from and where I am today.
I am writing this email with two intentions.

I am hoping:

1. You will get motivated from my journey and start taking action. The only way you will succeed

2. You will realize the importance of transforming self and learn the right dating etiquettes as oppose to learning shallow tricks that take you so far.
I want you to keep reading and you will see how your personality radiates through everything you do.
When I came to the USA about 10 years back I wanted to date all the beautiful women I saw around me. I had no success until I started learning from a woman who taught me the basics that I later built my game on.
I remember when she said that who I am will be visible in everything that is part of me. I will never be able to hide who I am. I didn’t question what she meant by it, but I wasn’t very clear about this either. For the longest time it made no sense to me, but now I know what she meant.
So few years back I was attracted to a European woman…
Surprise! I am STILL attracted to European women…
I wanted to date her but she rejected me. Now most gurus out there would advise you to push it till she becomes yours or simply walk away.

I have a different theory…
I believe you should use your skills to seduce her but never quit until it becomes unhealthy.
I did not walk away from this woman and stayed friends with her. I did not stop living my life hoping she will come back to me someday but I also did not lose touch.
I have not seen her in past three years as she is back in her country but we continued to exchange emails and Facebook messages from time to time.
During this time I was working on my skills and it seemed to hit her that I was changing through my Facebook messages. She could see the change in me and felt attraction for me because of my messages on Facebook.

What magic lines did I send that got her wanting me?
NOTHING!
I had plain simple conversations, that I have with everyone. It was not the words, but how I said them and where I was coming from when saying those words.
These words generated so much attraction that she is now travelling from Europe to see me in this August.
So here is some conversation I copied and pasted from our correspondence together and I will explain after what happened here:
I commented on her photo that she was sexy or something on the lines.
She sent me a message:

Her: (Excuse her broken English—-She is French)

Thank you manish about what you think for my photo…i know, i m sexy girl ( it’s a joke!, sure).well, i have a question about you, where do you live now? and what is you’re job? because in you’re pictures there are many people and maybe you work for music? take care manish! love, kisses

Me:
I am living at my uncle’s winery right now. I was in LA before and will be moving to NYC soon. I write songs but for business I am a dating coach. This is my business website: www.attractionmethods.com Lots of people because I am sexy too and people like to be with me as well… ;) Take care, Manish

Her:

I m sure you have a lot of friends because you are a very nice person in a past and i know it s the same now! You write songs…so i love this job, you a dating coach and me a sporting coach, i created my entreprise. Kisses

Her:

oh!!! i just see you re bussiness website!!!!! it’s a realy good idea to coach men who don t arrived to have a girlfriend!! a lot of people live alone actually, you help, give a confidence at this men and i hope you arrived in you re mission to help all!!!! in a past, i never imagine this job for you!! just because i think in a futur you are a bisness man in maybe informatique or another things!!! it’s nice to see you re site!!!! my little site is in french, i give you it: [her website] yes, it’s funny, india name! kisses

Me: Very Nice! Good to know that you are growing in your profession. You are so talented when it comes to [her business]. I did not get a touch on you last time but I am sure next time we fence I get a touch on you ;)
So why did u chose [her website]? Are you dating a girl named Usha :)
You are right I was very bad with women so one could have never imagined that some day I will be teaching about dating. I was very lonely myself and had to learn how to date women. once I became good, I started teaching men and women both.
Take care [her name] and stay in touch! Love and kisses to you as well!
Her:
I never said you’re bad with women in a past, in my head, i was think you have a different culture of me and it’s so difficult for a woman to( for example) have a relation with a man thinking directly ( maybe) we go married or if the relation finish, he depress…i like this sort of man but it’s dangerous for him! but you know, for have a nice relation for woman, it’s not all the time in a books but it’s in the heart too!!! but you know that!!!! well mister sexy!, i don’t have a date with usha ;) ( i prefer man sure. sorry for my english… love and kisses!!!!
Me: (I replied to her in French using Google Translate but for now I am writing it in English)
I would never talk to you if you did not talk the way you do. Your accent and your English is beautiful. It turns me on for I find it very sexy. Do not change anything about you because you are perfect the way you are.

Her:
Hum! You speak a good french with translate google! You know the good letter for speak with a girl, you are a lover in message and sure i love this! But i’m an more best fencer than you! ;). Take care of you and when a day you want come in aix en provence in france, come in my home! Kisses
Her:
Manish, i work a lot in france and i need vacation!!! well, it’s for that, i come pratically sure the august 7 at august 20 in usa, if you here i would like to see you! well, take care of you!!Hope see you this summer mister sexy ;)kisses kisses Notice what happened in this interaction.  We were friends, she saw me interact with other people on face book. She noticed my photos having good time then we talked. While talking to me she noticed the change in me. I flirted and made her feel sexy. She rewarded me by saying she is coming to me. She even started explaining that she rejected me not because she did not find me attractive but because she was afraid I will get hurt. This is why I insist on learning the right dating etiquettes and focus on building a lifestyle. This is no unique event in my life. I have stories after stories how my lifestyle draws women to me. I talked about this one because I had messages from her that I thought would be good to share with you. I have been saying this for some time and here it is again: Think different, Act different and there will be no stopping you. This interaction should also be a testament of how bad I sucked with women at one time and how I have managed to turn things around for me. Imagine how good I feel that a woman is flying from France because she is attracted to me. You can experience the same success.

The question is: are you willing to take the action needed?  Most men don’t take action because they are unsure if they can succeed.  They would rather suffer than take a chance because of their possible failure.  Truth is that failure is the first step to success.  Learning from your mistakes is the fastest way to mastery. So stop sitting on the sidelines and start taking action. I have all the resources to get you going. Read my Social Mastery book and do the exercises at the end of every chapter. See how quickly it sets you on the path to dating mastery.
(Credits: Image by Ed Yourdon)

Should a Woman Ask a Man Out?

Tue, 06 Jul 2010 15:40:45 -0400

By Jackie Summers

Legend has it that Cleopatra introduced herself to Julius Caesar by having herself rolled up into a carpet that was then unfurled at the Roman emperor’s feet. Her bold antics brought the gala affair to a screeching halt; when she arose scantily clothed before this young ruler he was thoroughly unstrung. The most powerful man on earth was instantly smitten.

While technically this might not count as ‘asking a man out,’ it serves to illustrate a point in dramatic fashion: secure, powerful men appreciate audacious women. Power is the greatest aphrodisiac, and the woman who understands how to combine her tenacity without sacrificing her femininity will wrap men around her dainty little fingers.

An old axiom states that men chase women until women catch them. The implication is that women are always the ones in control, and I concur. By assuming the passive role, women have maintained power of consent, and the person who can say ‘yes or no’ is ultimately the one in control. While this does have the advantage of not having to face rejection, it is innately self-limiting: you can only grant (or rescind) consent to someone who approaches you. Taking matters into your own hands exposes you to the potential for rejection but it also expands your choices exponentially. Instead of sitting around waiting to be approached, you take personal responsibility for the men you invite into your world.If asking a man out is just too direct for your tastes, one can learn how to ‘seed the clouds.’ Pitch him a softball so juicy and tempting that he can’t help but swing at it. At least then it will seem to him like he has taken the initiative and retained the illusion of control.A large part of the mythos behind the misconception that women should never ask men out is based on male insecurity–real and perceived.

The dynamic of power will shift many times over the course of a relationship, as gender roles continually redefine themselves in this modern age. Female aggression will absolutely intimidate an unsure man, so use your power judiciously. If a man tends towards timidity, being approached by a woman might make him feel effeminate, thus disqualifying him for anything useful. I’m wont to believe the more secure a man is in himself, the more he will crave an equal, not a subordinate. True alpha males appreciate a woman with (metaphysical) balls.

Eff the Fear

Mon, 05 Jul 2010 19:22:24 -0400

By Samantha Scholfield
I spent this last weekend at various parties and one very fun beer festival (as you do when the 4th creates a three-day weekend). Because I’m a dating writer and coach, the subject of dating inevitably comes up in conversation and so, much of my weekend was spent (happily) listening to the dating issues faced by both sexes. I heard lots of the normal “I never meet anyone”, “All the good ones are taken” and “What’s with all the crazy bitches / douchebags I keep running into?” But the number one stated by both sexes? “The people I want to talk to never come and talk to me.”

Obviously this begs the question as to why we don’t initiate conversation ourselves more often, to which the answer is usually some version of: “That freaks me out”, “I don’t know how” or “I want them to make the first move.” Every guy I talked to this last weekend said that they’d love for a girl to initiate conversation, and every girl I talked to complained that guys don’t initiate conversation often enough. From that, the solution would appear to be that we should all just talk to each other more. Unfortunately, it’s not that simple. There are egos, fragile feelings and fear to contend with when we think about talking to someone we like, and much more often than not, those things prevent us from actually pursuing that hot guy/girl and instead leave us with some nice fodder for the next time we’re bored and want to fantasize.

However, if we all take a deep breath, let go of our fear, and — the next time we’re in the same vicinity as an available cute someone — talk to them, we might be surprised at our success. Sure, it’s not going to work every time, and yeah, our egos may take the occasional hit, but in the end if it works out with one of the people we talk to, that’s one more person than we knew than before. Letting fear rule — fear of failure, fear of rejection and fearing that we don’t know how — isn’t how I bet the vast majority of us want to live our lives. So eff fear in the name of reducing the number of dating complaints: talk to the next person you think is cute.

Yours in sunshine and rainbows, S

(Credits: Image by svintus2010)

Whatever Turns You On

Sat, 03 Jul 2010 20:45:00 -0400

By Damon Brown

What makes your toes curl, your eyes widen into saucers or tighten down in anticipation, and your lips quiver? I love plenty of mental and emotional stimulation, but when it comes to the physical, one of my favorite body areas is the notch right above a woman’s hip. The little curves just ask to be kissed, bitten and adored. The pair can keep my attention for a long, long time. I have a pretty damn long list of fetishes, but that’s the first thing that comes to mind.

Wait – scratch the word “fetish”. I actually dislike the word as that, in itself, often means we’re normalizing one thing and judging another. A person who likes big boobs? He, she or ze is considered normal. A person who likes to be spanked? He, she or ze has a fetish. See what I mean? The only difference between the two desires is what society decided. Everyone loves big boobs! Spanking is weird! Fuck that. You should work hard to kick society out of your bedroom.

I definitely respect my brothers and sisters who have taken the word fetish and used it to representcutting edge sexuality, not unlike blacks, gays or other groups flipping derogatory terms put on them and taking ownership of the meaning. However, we have to be aware that the judgment is happening before we can stop judging ourselves.

When it comes to your bedroom behavior, no matter how different it may seem, you don’t have a bunch of fetishes or strange rituals. You just have preferences. And considering how long it takes some of us to figure out what we like, you should be proud

Credits: Image by Annie Mole

Time Efficiency

Mon, 28 Jun 2010 22:24:44 -0400

By Samantha Scholfield
Continuing with the theme of dating multiples from last week, today I’m going to dive into a subject that only the hyper-organized multiples-dater ever even deals with:
What is the maximum number of date slots available in one weekend?

There are several factors to consider: How adept at schedule-keeping are you? How much free time do you want during the weekend to hang with friends, relax, etc.? And, if you really have 17 available people you want to go on a date with this weekend, how smooth are you at scheduling all of them without tipping them off that they’re bookended by two other potential suitors (a fact that would probably be a buzz-kill)?

Here’s my take on the maximum potential dates from Friday evening to Sunday night, allowing for 30 minute breaks in between each date for travel time and mental recuperation and preparation, a one to two hour date duration and assuming restricted sleep, very little free time and a fast metabolism.

Friday: - Happy hour drinks (5pm-6:30pm)
- Dinner (7pm-9:30pm)
- Late night drinks (10pm to whenever)
Saturday: - Early morning coffee/light breakfast (8:30am-9:30am)
- Brunch (10am-11:30am)
- Afternoon activity #1 (hiking, beach-going, river rafting, park-enjoying, BBQ at friend’s house, etc.) - (12pm-2pm)
- Afternoon activity #2 (2:30pm-4:30pm)
- Happy hour drinks (5pm-6:30pm)
- Dinner (7pm-9pm)
- Dessert/Cocktails (9:30pm-11pm)
- Late night drinks / party-going (11:30pm-whenever)

Sunday:
- Brunch (9:30am-11:30am)
- Afternoon activity #1 (12pm-2pm)
- Afternoon activity #2 (2:30pm-4:30pm)
- Happy hour drinks (5pm-6:30pm)
- Dinner (7pm-9pm)
- Late night cocktails (9:30pm to whenever)

That’s 17 potential slots: definitely not a schedule for the faint of heart or the easily exhausted. But for the soul-mate seeking, “dating is a numbers game”-subscribing, time-efficient go-getter?This schedule is an inspiration. Even a much more doable, pared down version (2 dates on Friday, and 3 each on Saturday and Sunday), action-packs the weekend with 8 slots for potential sparks to fly. And when you’re trying to meet your soul-mate by next month, maximizing your dating is the only way to go.

So the next time you feel like you don’t have time for yet another date, remember that if you watch the clock and clustering your dates according to location and traffic time, it’s possible to have a date with every member of your local adult soccer team, and most of the substitutes.
Yours in time-efficiency, S(Credits: Image by wjarrettc)

2010625 SCRAM!

Sat, 26 Jun 2010 15:11:10 -0400

By Blake Townsley

Due to the World Cup, Blake Townsley has taken the day off from his regular duties, but has promised us that he’ll return for next week’s regularly scheduled blog. In his stead, PickV.com is proud to present his replacement for the week, guest blogger SCRAM Bracelet #26349, better known as the Lohan alcohol monitoring bracelet.

Hey. So I guess I’m supposed to fill in for Blake or something this week, since he’s off watching soccer and drinking beers outside. Man, do I wish I could be there with him. I know what you’re thinking. “Wait, you’re an alcohol monitoring device, are you even allowed to drink alcohol?” I get so tired of that question at parties. That’s just my job alright, it’s not who I am. I can get out there and rip it up with the best of ‘em. Whiskey shots? Fine. Irish Car Bombs? Bring it on. Just not while I’m working. If anything, six straight months of having to be the responsible one in my relationship du jour just causes me to go off the deep end once I’m off duty. Believe me, I’d much rather be watching the World Cup with Blake, rooting for my home country, South Korea, to make it to the finals and doing some good, old-fashioned day drinking. Just do me a favor, ok, if South Korea’s already out of the running don’t tell me. I’m Tivoing all the games and saving them up for when Ms. Lohan and I part ways.

So I’m hoping to be done watching them a few weeks before the next World Cup starts.

I’ve never had a job like this. It’s driving me crazy. This girl is up partying all hours of the day, bending rules to the breaking point, and generally daring the judge to discipline her in a way her parents never could. Don’t get me wrong, at first I was the envy of all the other SCRAM bracelets. I was more than a little excited about it, going to all these Hollywood parties, meeting famous people and sharing a joke about my job. It was gonna be great. Instead, what do I get? A spoiled brat wasting her talent on cocaine and painkillers, , living off the glory of a few Disney movies and one job with Tina Fey, and working mall openings for cash. Johnny Depp won’t talk to us, hell, even Jeremy London just looks at me pityingly when we see him at Lindsay’s dealer’s place. Makes me wish I was #36872, riding around with Tracy Morgan. At least Tracy is funny as all hell. Lindsay just spends all her time erasing tweets from the night before and asking Ali, “Sister, sister, skinny as a wall, who’s the freckliest of us all?” before taking approximately four disco naps a day.

Don’t even get me started on that “false” alarm from a few weeks back when Lindsay was at a party where “someone” “spilled” a drink on me. Everyone with half a gram of tech savvy knows alcohol bracelets don’t go off just because someone spilled a drink on them. My parents programmed me better than that. But did anyone believe me that Lindsay had a drink, then spilled one on me when I did my job? Nope. Not even a little jail stint to teach her not to disrespect the court. What is this world coming to?

I just wish there was some way my programming allowed me to alert the authorities for willful and delusional arrogance. I mean, I’ve tried to make the argument with my software that this poor girl is drunk on her own image, but there’s just no getting around it. Sigh. I guess I’ll have to tough it out until that scotch-swilling guy from the Blue Collar Comedy Tour plows through a school bus of tourists in front of Tom Cruise’s next movie premiere.

Uh oh, wish me luck, Lindsay just woke up again, and apparently it’s time for the dinner of champions, by which I’ll assume she’s going to mix the coke in with Bisquick. If anyone sees #36782, you tell that SOB how lucky he is. Time for me to go underneath the godawful goat boots again. Go South Korea!!!

(Credits: Image by azrainman)

Learn From Your Teenage Self

Fri, 25 Jun 2010 10:44:48 -0400

By Damon Brown

Remember when you were 15? Sex was this strange, mysterious event that could be considered a right of passage, a way to get your rocks off or just a scary idea in general. Even those of us who were already sexually active were still trying to figure things out.

There is a certain comfort in knowing what you like. I know what turns me on and, perhaps more importantly, what turns me off! The foreplay, the positions and the conversations that make me the happiest sexually can run through my mind like a flipbook. My desires come across in the language I use, the clothes I wear, the way that I touch and the way that I direct the people I am with. All these messages, whether conscious or unconscious, have been built over my years as a sexually active person.

The problem, however, is that we can know ourselves too well and still not well enough! We know our type is the reformed bad boy or the sexy librarian, so we don’t give a potential hottie a second look. We prefer missionary or reverse cowgirl, so the plethora of other positions aren’t even explored. There are hundreds of sexual positions and literally billions of potential partners out there. Why limit yourself?

Trust me: I have no desire to relive my teenage years which, probably like yours, were filled with nutty, uncomfortable, and crazy sexual experiences. However, remember that it was also a time of unusual, exciting and amazing discoveries. I remember saying “I didn’t know it worked like that?!” a record number of times. It was a wonderful time of exploration.

Now we are wiser about ourselves, our bodies and of others, so there is no better time than now to start exploring again. It will even be more fun the second time around.

(Credits: Image by greyloch)