My beef with Kobe

By Blake Townsley

Howdy folks. Welcome to Friday, and a world where the Kardashian sisters are hitting .667 in dating/marrying world champion athletes after Lamar Odom and the rest of the Kobeonettes helped Kobe Bryant win his fifth championship. A world where that average would rise to .750 if there was a World Series of Douchebaggery for Kourtney’s impregnator to compete in.  

Snark aside, this is an interesting trend. I’m thinking about starting a petition for Cubs fans to sign which demands immediate nuptials for Alfonso Soriano and Kim Kardashian. But assuming my ability to influence the E Network isn’t as impressive as I think it is, I’ll probably just keep close tabs on Kim’s social life and make some early season bets in Vegas on the Bulls winning it all. You know, assuming Dwyane Wade walked into the South Beach Kardashian boutique and made eyes at Kim. And assuming Dwyane Wade and LeBron sign in Chicago in a couple weeks. 

What? Wishful thinking? Yeah, I know. I still think the Bulls are going to sign LeBron, despite the fact that the feel-good story is King James reigning in Cleveland forever. Let’s face it, Cleveland’s citywide sports psyche could use some good news. For the last thirty years it’s been the sports equivalent of the bullied nerd in high school whose parents refuse to step in because they think getting beat up frequently is necessary for learning how to succeed in life. But for now, I’m clinging to a hope that LBJ comes to Chicago, because LeBron on the Bulls seems like the only way the Bulls will win a title in the post-Jordan era. And also, someone has to stop Kobe Bryant’s reign of terror and prevent the inevitable, inane arguments from Lakers fans that Kobe was as good a player as MJ just because he won as many championships.  

I’m not kidding, if Kobe wins a sixth ring next year with the Lakers, life as we know it will cease to exist. Mostly because if I have to hear that comparison between Kobe and MJ, debated ad nauseam on ESPN, my head will explode. Let’s just get this straight once and for all, Laker fans. Kobe Bryant is an unbelievable player, a no-doubt Hall of Famer with incredible talent for scoring, great defense and an impressive list of accomplishments. But he’s not MJ. 

Admittedly, I’m no NBA insider. What little I know of Kobe and MJ comes from the same sources y’all have. But watching Kobe over these past few years, he just seems like a selfish brat more concerned with his own legacy than anything else. And there lies the difference. Sure, His Airness was capable of incredible cruelty to his own teammates, but that was done in the privacy of the Berto Center, not on a nationally televised game. Kobe has no problems staring down teammates during games, taking off entire halves, and generally acting like he needs to remind people that he’s the alpha dog.  

Here’s a tip, Kobe. If you need to remind people that you’re the alpha dog, you’re really not. MJ never needed to remind anyone, because everyone just knew.  

I’m not going to belabor this point quite yet, though that day may come in a year or two. For now, I am going to relax, and wish the Lakers and their fans congratulations on last night’s championship. It’s a great feeling to have your team win it all, and I hope everyone enjoys it. But enjoy it responsibly. Don’t make me sic the Kardashian sisters on Utah or San Antonio. I don’t think those towns can handle it quite yet.

(Credits: Image by laffy4k)